The struggle to let go of my own bigness, importance, relevance

OK, so let's focus on this one for a little while, because this one really gets me in the heart, really hits me where I live:

"It is easier to have faith that God will support our big, global projects and supply our needs in the way of food and money to pay bills, than it is to keep a strong, hearty, living faith in each individual around us - to see Christ in him."

-- Dorothy Day

There are so many days when I wonder and worry about when things are going to start getting really big in my life, when I'm going to feel really important doing this, when my daily walk and humble work are going to start seeming relevant to the masses (how funny!). There are days I actually see it happening, and then my feeling about it actually gets WORSE, not better. That is so interesting! And then I read Dorothy's words and remember why. They bring a new Day (OK, I just couldn't resist.) While my mind wanders around wondering what, when, and where, God keeps putting the WHO and the WHY right in front of me, right in my face, right under my feet, in each precious moment, and with each unbelievably beautiful person I meet, and He says, "See my Son there, Jim? Isn't he (she) beautiful?" Sometimes this is very difficult. That is when it's most important and meaningful. I keep learning and remembering that the work is not for me to "make it happen," but to see and value what He is already making happen in every moment. And I'm left crying tears of joy and understanding. And in the gentle stillness of my deepening sense of smallness and irrelevance, I find such profound joy and peace, and feel His immense vastness, knowing that I am beloved and an essential part, and all need for identity, recognition, and status vanish, because I see Jesus everywhere, starting this morning with my Bosco walk, and then on to bagelatte with my amazing kids, and then in to visit the amazing folks at Living Water International, and then lunch with an angel, and then time with a young man who is like a son to me, and then time with another beautiful young man who is learning to become a leader, and then Love Machine, and then dinner with my family, and I realize that I am in heaven, and there is nothing else that matters. Thank you for bearing with my mind's struggles in my lifelong commitment to walk with Him and live in His Truth, and for also celebrating my ongoing re-discoveries and beautiful rememberances with me.

Following his leadership

"I am deeply convinced that the Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable (and completely defeated) self."

-- Henri Nouwen, in In the Name of Jesus, 1989

"The true leaders of the future will be those who dare to claim their irrelevance out in the open, right in the midst of the busy, contemporary world, as a divine vocation that allows them to enter into a deep solidarity with the anguish underlying all the glamour and glitter of worldly success, and to bring the light of Jesus right there."

-- Henri Nouwen, in In the Name of Jesus, 1989

"What makes the temptation of personal power so seemingly irresistible? Maybe it is that power offers an easy substitute for the hard task of loving. It seems easier to be or play God than to love and obey God, easier to control or manipulate people than to genuinely love people, easier to own and manage one's life than to love (and be defeated by) life."

-- Henri Nouwen, in In the Name of Jesus, 1989

"One thing is clear to me: the temptation of power is greatest when real intimacy is a threat. Much Christian leadership is exercised by people who do not know how to develop deep, healthy, intimate, and wide-open relationships, and have opted for power and control instead. Many Christian 'empire-builders' have been people unable or unwilling to give and receive love at the most intimate personal level. It takes way too much time, requires way too much vulnerability, and doesn't score very many quick points in the game of growing church."

-- Henri Nouwen, in In the Name of Jesus, 1989

Twenty years later, his words are just as relevant as when he wrote them. I had never heard of him back then, wouldn't have known him if I had tripped over him. I was way too busy pursuing power and wealth and didn't have time for such nonsense at 35. After all, I had a life to blow up. Now he is a hero/guide on my journey, helping me learn as I grow up.

And on another note, but keeping it in ther spirit of Henri's writing:

"Too many parents have to suffer the death of a child, either at birth or at a ridiculously young age. There probably is no greater suffering than losing a child, since it so radically interferes with the natural desire of a mother and father to see their child grow up to be a beautiful, healthy, mature, and loving person. The greatest danger is that the death of a child will often take away the parents' desire to live and love. It requires an enormous act of faith on their part to truly believe that their children, however brief their lives, were given to them as gifts from God, to deepen and enrich their own lives. Whenever parents can make that leap of faith, their child's short life can become fruitful way beyond their expectations."

Yes, little Rhyder said goodbye to us yesterday, after living here for not quite a month, but man, did he ever live! And he will be alive forever without any such thing as Trisomy 18. And Michelle and Dave have continuously personified the faith that Henri describes above , so I have no doubt that love, once again, has prevailed and will continue to prevail. That little boy sure fought hard for life, and they honored him beautifully and completely for it, and he and they served as such an inspiration to us all. Thank you so much, Rhyder, and the whole Anderson family, for showing us how it's done - this extravagant "valuing of life' thing. And please keep that appreciation light on for us, when we forget and lose our way. We know you will.