"Fear of love" examined

"How many times have I been disappointed in or a disappointment to someone who has risked themselves to care for me? How many times have I only felt fear (if not sheer terror) of the genuine love that was possibly being offered? How many times has a feeling of naked vulnerability made me downright hateful, defensive, even cruel to the one who dared make me that uncomfortable? How many times have I asked, even if only in my head, 'What can you do for me?', while unconsciously setting myself up to be disappointed (and them up to surely fail me), so that my suspicions about love could be proved correct once again, that it is never reliable and, in fact, never, ever comes through. How many times have I feared to be loved because I felt too insecure to be truly worthy of another's deep affection, assuming the worst of anyone who would dare to try to be my friend or lover, because I assumed the very worst of myself? How many times have I overlooked (or even intentionally trashed or vandalized) the beauty that real friendship or love has to offer because of my doubts and my resentments that I've held onto with a vengeance since what seems like many lifetimes ago?

When I finally answer these questions, I will have acknowledged that love held and kept me in the palm of its hand, warm and gentle, seeing me through tragedy and despair, hopelessness and anger, paranoia and dread, blood and tears, death and what I thought life to be. If I can only accept that love has been, is, and always will be, even without my permission, maybe then I can begin to show the love that has been shown to me in this life."

-- Kimberly Bock

There is nothing more terrifying and confronting than genuine, unconditional love. It provides no resistance to our defenses (our being attacked, disliked, disrespected, hated, judged, made wrong, ridiculed, traumatized, used, etc. "waiting to happen") and needs none of our performance shenanigans (quite often all we know how to do), thereby shockingly leaving us dealing only with our bareass, naked selves, and God, and who can handle that!?!!??!!!???!!!!

"Love is not love that alters when it alteration finds."

-- Shakespeare

"Love is not meant to be suffering; it's just that you will suffer it, rather than enjoy it, until you finally let go of your mind's attachment to fear - past your pain and the pain you feel is being or will be inflicted by other people - and then just go for the ride freely, fully surrendered to it, no matter what might happen."

-- Dan Millman, in Way of the Peaceful Warrior