Paradoxical danger/hope

I have seen how I can seemingly mess people's lives up by accepting and loving them completely for who they really are, and by encouraging them to break free of their "paper handcuffs." And the less I'm concerned about my own agenda, embracing only His, the more genuinely and powerfully loving and lifegiving (and death-stealing) I can become, and the more dangerous I can be to another's misery and/or monotonous status quo. So, if you want to stay dead, numb, or in darkness and despair, steer totally clear of me, because I can really see you in there, which is only possible through really seeing Him in here - He Who not only sees me, but totally frees me (and then frequently BE's me) to be way more than human at my beckon call. By letting go of my life (along with my complaints, my concerns, my desires, my plans, and my timetables) and totally embracing His, I watch the safe, comfortable misery of others' malicious malaise tremble in real fear and loathing. The things that get said to me from this weird place can be both insanely threatening and tearfully thankful, which makes for a delightfully delirious and very strange sort of tribute, a kind of primal birthing scream (it often sounds like THANK YOU, I HATE YOU! - sometimes even F### YOU, I LOVE YOU!). And I'm so clear it's not about me at all, but about God's relentless storming of the enemy's prison of souls, and His eerily efficient murder of his madness and mayhem. And it's not my cockiness on my own behalf that speaks this morning, but my absolute certainty and clarity on His. He has so thoroughly messed me up, to the point of my clearly seeing the perfect order and simplicity in it, and He has sent me straight out into the world to welcome as many beautiful collisions, creating as many beautiful messes, as possible, and I am a rambling wreck, so what the heck, here I come! I have totally given up steering clear of collisions, having spent so much of my early life in polite and patronizing fear of conflict, and now I am a walking, talking, even sometimes stalking "demolition derby" in search of fuel for His redemptive genius. If you feel dead or dying, useless or YOU-less, bring it on, I got all the time in the world and nothing whatsoever to make happen, but EVERYTHING (and then some) to let happen, so let's rumble. And remember, if you see me coming in your life, you can run but you can't hide.

Paradox: If you are not in danger, then you might be in danger.

"When I am feeling accomplished, carefree, just fine, reasonably safe, secure, stress-free, somewhat successful, and my life feels pretty-well-managed by me, I am usually in gravest danger (in fact, it has been my experience that when there is no 'perceived' danger in my world, then I am unconsciously allowing or even bringing or creating the next 'real' danger, through my ignorance and oblivion), but when I am feeling totally obliterated, overrun, overwhelmed, stretched beyond my human capacity, threatened at every turn, totally lost and out of control, and I am on my knees in tears, asking for His forgiveness, grace, guidance, help, instruction, and protection, I am then and only then totally safe from any real danger."


-- a man's observations of himself - Yours Truly, from my real life experience over the years


"Dad, when there is 'enough' in your world, and you have things under your control, you tend to disappear from view, and when there's 'not enough' and you are really struggling, you tend to show up and be visible, ... and I prefer the latter."


-- a son's observation of his father - paraphrasing a statement from my oldest son, Jim, back in 2002, when he was only 22

My life used to be about striving and struggling to get to "manageability" and "success," which I achieved often once I hit my mid-twenties, when it was clear that I had outstanding "potential" for major success in the world, and I would focus my energies and sizable talents on problems and scenarios that were pint-sized, if not puny, in their complexity and importance (like, for example, the next bonus, or cool, exciting business deal, or promotion, or sexy, exotic vacation), compared to today's depth, type, and variety of issue. Today, my everyday choices, commitments, problems, and relationships obliterate and totally overwhelm me, and in that unsolvable overwhelm, I find the reserves of perseverance and stamina I didn't know I had, and the access to Him and His grace and guidance I didn't know I had, and this has turned out to be the only real, safe place to hang out - not where things are fine and OK, but at the end of my rope.

When I'm playing it cool, I act quite the fool,

and am soon to be knocked down and dragged back to school.
At the end of my rope, I'm no longer the dope,

and there's nothing but surrendering, while filled with hope.

It's hard to get myself in very
much trouble in this position.

But in this one - while cool,
calm, and totally collected
- I am just a freakin'
"disaster waiting to happen."

P.S. One last and very important point - there's a big difference between being at the end of your rope as a "choice" and being at the end of your rope as a "victim." The first, which involves seeing worldy reality (that we are all there in our flesh, really), is both empowering and liberating. The latter, which involves denying spiritual reality (that we are all equally capable and competent, due to our "equal access" to Him), can be both disempowering and enslaving.

"To seek safety outside of God's will puts us in danger;
to live in it makes us both safe and dangerous."

-- Erwin McManus