Human and God's response to our brokenness

“One common human response to the experience of our brokenness is to attempt to fill our lives with all kinds of substitutes, whether these be work and achievement, alcohol and drugs, relationships and sex, or all kinds of miscellaneous material things and recreational activities. We tend to live in a society driven by various forms of addiction. The sad irony is that these ways of ‘numbing the pain’ do not achieve anything real and lasting. They tend to push us farther and farther from God’s truth. They’re usually just attempts to manage or deny or avoid the pain, when, in reality, they only feed our feelings of bitterness, self-loathing, and utter hopelessness. Addictive and avoidance rituals are inevitably self-defeating.

Another false ritual on our part is to believe that we can overcome suffering and death on the basis of our own self-corrective powers. Some self-help programs are built around the belief that all negative feelings can be eradicated if only we summon our own inner-strength to overcome them. This is less a strategy of denial than a strategy of self-illusion. It assumes that we can think or will ourselves beyond feelings of sorrow and brokenness as if such feelings were not integral to our human reality.

Another common but false ritual of coping with brokenness is cynicism. It often expresses itself in the form of rebellion and in the belief that there is no final purpose to our human lives. Frequently, on the basis of broken relationships, cynicism takes cold comfort in the conviction that all human ideals and commitments are only masks for selfish, self-serving acts, that human decency and fairness and true love are all just sick jokes. Cynicism denies the possibility of human fulfillment and love. As such, it is a strategy of delusion.

Constructive rituals begin with the acknowledgement that to be human is to change and grow, and that to change and grow is to move through many different life-experiences, both positive and negative (which are really neither, just human experiences). In order to become an adult, one must leave behind the things of childhood. To grow in relationships is to be constantly prepared to ‘let go’ of past ways of relating -- even past relationships themselves. It has been said with much truth that life is a series of ‘little deaths,’ a path of continually ‘letting go’ of what we have been in order to become what we are called and destined to be.

It is also said that to live is to change, and to live fully humanly is to change often -- or, if you like, to die to ourselves in order that our new selves will emerge. Sometimes it is only through an experience of loss and grief that we are able to begin -- or re-enter -- the journey of change and growth. In any case, the only positive way of coping with deep hurt and pain in our lives is through the ritual of acknowledgement and the strategy of learning to ‘let go.’ Here, we learn to surrender ourselves fully to the unsolvable mystery of life.”

-- Dr. Gerard Hall

”Dear God,
I am so afraid to relax and open my clenched fists!
Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold on to?
Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands?
Please help me to gradually open my hands and heart
and to discover that I am not what I own,
but what you want to give me.
And what you want to give me is love -
unconditional and everlasting -
with no way to earn or lose it.
Please invite and teach me to receive.
Amen.”

-- Henri J.M. Nouwen (The Only Necessary Thing: Living a Prayerful Life)

“Growth begins when we accept our own weakness; transformation begins when we accept our own death.”

-- Jean Vanier

Our deliverance and freedom is the gift He gives in response to our brokenness and accepted, admitted, and total defeat. Given our inherent limitations and penchant for self-destruction, it is a very worthwhile deal – in fact, it is a no-brainer
and a full-gainer.


So, let go of all “headier” matters, and "dive in" to the Great Mystery that is His arms.

We are not meant to “get things right” ourselves in this crazy human existence, but to fully and richly experience things together, to see where we can always change and grow closer, to keep learning more and more about the nature of God, ourselves, others, and the world, to acknowledge our tendency to cling to our knowledge as security and truth, and to learn to let go of that more and more, to dive into His arms with totally reckless abandon, once having learned that we can truly fly only in faith and complete surrender.

As in the “Alice in Wonderland” movie, which many will see and question, if not trash, and where for me the “vorpal sword” she wielded in the end represents the spirit of Jesus, our work is not to worry and fret about slaying our own dragons, but simply to learn to “hold the sword,” for the sword knows what it is meant for and what it is willing and able to do, if it is “called forth” in the hands of one who truly believes.

Responding to our own brokenness

And many have responded to Wednesday's message on chosen like this: "Don't talk to me about my chosenness when I feel so hopelessly stuck in my brokenness and sadness.", and then I read on in Henri's little book, Life of the Beloved, for further clarity about how to view and respond to that:

"How can we respond to our brokenness, once it inevitably surfaces? I'd like to suggest two ways: first, we befriend it, and then we put it under the blessing in our lives.

The first response to our brokenness is to face it squarely and befriend it. This may seem quite unnatural, because our spontaneous, automatic response to pain and suffering is usually to avoid it, to keep it at arm's length, to ignore it, circumvent it, or deny it. Suffering - be it physical, mental, or emotional - is almost always experienced as an unwelcome intrusion into our lives, something that should not be there. It is difficult, if not impossible, to see anything positive in life's pain and suffering; therefore, it must be avoided at all costs. When this is, indeed, our spontaneous, automatic attitude toward our brokenness, it is no surprise that befriending it seems, at first, a little masochistic. Still, my own pain in life has taught me that the first step to healing is not a step away from the pain, but a conscious step toward it, going intentionally deeper into it. When brokenness is, in fact, just as intimate a part of our being as our chosenness and our blessedness, we have to dare to overcome our fear of it and become familiar with it. Yes, we have to find the courage to embrace our own brokenness, to make our most feared enemy into a friend, and to claim it as an intimate companion. I am convinced that healing is often so difficult because we don't want or refuse to really know the pain. Although this is true of all pain, it is especially true of the pain that comes from a broken heart. The anguish and agony that result from rejection, separation, neglect, abuse, and emotional manipulation serve only to paralyze us when we can't face them and only keep running away from them. When we feel lost and need guidance in our suffering, it is first of all a guidance that leads us closer to our pain and makes us aware that we do not have to avoid it any longer, but can befriend it and stand still in it to more fully experience its gift.

My own experience with anguish has been that facing it and living through it is the way to healing. But I cannot do that on my own. I need someone to keep me standing in it, to assure me that there is peace beyond the anguish, life beyond death, and love beyond fear. But I know now, at least, that attempting to avoid, deny, dominate, escape, or repress the pain is like cutting off a limb that could be healed with proper attention. The deep truth is that our human suffering need not be an obstacle to the joy and peace we so desire, but can become instead the means to it - it can be its access. The great secret of the spiritual life, the life of the Beloved Sons and Daughters of God, is that everything we live, be it gladness or sadness, joy or pain, health or illness, can all be a valid, essential part of the journey toward the full realization of our humanity. And real care and guidance and love in this setting means the willingness to help each other in turning our brokenness into the gateway to joy that it really is.

The second response to our brokenness is to put it under the blessing of our lives. For me, this 'putting of our brokenness under the blessing' is actually a pre-condition for befriending it. Our brokenness is often so frightening to face because we live it under the curse. Living our brokenness under the curse means that we experience our pain as a confirmation of our negative feelings about ourselves. It is like saying, 'I always suspected that I was useless or worthless, and now I am sure of it because of what is happening to me.' There is always something in us searching for an explanation of what takes place in our lives and, if we have already yielded to the temptation of self-rejection, then every form of misfortune only deepens it. When we lose a family member or dear friend through death, when we become jobless, when we fail an examination, when we live through a separation or divorce, when a war or violence breaks out, a natural disaster (like an earthquake, hurricane, or tornado) or human crime (like arson, burglary, or vandalism) destroys or damages our home, the question 'Why?' spontaneously emerges. 'Why me?' 'Why now?' 'Why here?' It is so arduous to live without an answer to this 'Why?' that we are easily seduced into connecting the events over which we have no control with our conscious or unconscious evaluation of ourselves. When we have cursed ourselves or have allowed others to curse us, it is very tempting to explain all the brokenness we experience as an expression or confirmation of this curse. Before we fully realize it, we have already said to ourselves: 'You see, I always thought I was no good ...Now I know for sure. The facts of life keep proving it.'

The great spiritual call of the Beloved Children of God is to pull their brokenness away from the shadow of the curse and put it under the light of the blessing. This is not as easy as it sounds. The powers of the darkness around us are very strong, and our world finds it easier to manipulate self-rejecting people than self-accepting people. But when we keep listening attentively to the voice calling us the Beloved, it becomes impossible to live our brokenness, not as a confirmation of our fear that we are worthless, but as an opportunity to purify and deepen the blessing that rests upon us. Physical, mental, or emotional pain lived under the blessing is experienced in ways radically different from physical, mental, or emotional pain lived under the curse. Even a small burden, perceived as a sign of our worthlessness, can lead us into deep depression - even thoughts of suicide. However, great and heavy burdens become light and easy when they are lived in the light of the blessing. What seemed intolerable becomes a worthy challenge. What seemed a reason for depression becomes a source of purification. What seemed punishment becomes a gentle, sure-handed pruning. What seemed rejection becomes a way to deeper communion."

-- Henri Nouwen, in Life of the Beloved

And then just as I finished transcribing the above text from the book, my "daily dose of Henri" showed up in my In Box, and this was today's entry, and I saw clearly, what a radical blessing and gift, consistently packaged and neatly tied together!

"The Spirit reveals to us not only that God is our Father, but also that He is 'Abba,' and we belong to Him as His beloved children. The Spirit thus restores in us the relationship from which all other relationships derive their meaning. 'Abba' is a very intimate word. The best translation for it is: 'Daddy.' The word 'Abba' expresses trust, safety, confidence, belonging, and most of all deep intimacy. It does not have the same connotation of authority, power, and control that the word 'Father' can often evoke. On the contrary, 'Abba' implies an embracing and nurturing love. This love includes and infinitely transcends all the love that comes to us from our fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, spouses, and lovers. It is the gift of the Spirit."

And then I went out in search of "Abba," quite literally, and found this little blog review by Bob Hunt of Brennan Manning's book, Abba's Child, on Naznet, and who does he quote? How interesting! Speaking of Manning, Bob says:

"In Abba's Child he says that many Christians have bought into the lie that we are worthy of God's love only when our lives are going well. If our families are happy or our jobs are meaningful and we are performing well, then life's a success. He says, when things are not going so well, we scramble to present and keep up a good front to the world. We cover and hide until we can rearrange the mask of perfection and look good again. Sadly, it is then that we wonder why we lack intimate relationships and passionate faith. He says right in the middle of this, God wants us to take the mask off and come openly to Him. God longs for us to know in the depth of our being that He loves us and accepts us as we are.
He says that there may be an imposter in our life that is robbing us of God's love. He quotes Henri Nouwen:

'Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is not success, popularity, or power, but self-rejection. Success, popularity, and power can indeed present a great temptation, but their seductive quality often comes from the way they are part of the larger temptation to self-rejection. When we have come to believe in the voices that call us worthless and unlovable, then success, popularity, and power are easily perceived as attractive solutions. The real trap, however, is self-rejection. As soon as someone wrongly accuses or criticizes me, or as soon as I am feeling rejected, used, or violated, or as soon as I feel left alone or abandoned, I find myself thinking: Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody. (My dark side says) I am no good.....I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the Beloved. Being the Beloved and celebrating that fact constitutes the core truth of our existence.'

Manning goes on to write: 'It used to be that I never felt safe with myself unless I was performing flawlessly for others. My desire to be perfect for others had transcended my desire for God. Tyrannized by an all-or-nothing mentality, I interpreted weakness as mediocrity and inconsistency as a loss of nerve. I dismissed compassion and self-acceptance as inappropriate responses. My jaded perception of personal failure and inadequacy led to a loss of self-esteem, triggering episodes of mild depression and heavy anxiety. But on that radiant morning in a cabin hidden deep in the Colorado Rockies, I came out of hiding. Jesus removed the shroud of perfectionist performance and now, forgiven and free, I ran home. For I knew that I knew Someone was there for me. Gripped in the depth of my soul, tears streaming down my cheeks, I internalized and finally felt all the words I have written and spoken about His stubborn, unrelenting Love. That morning I understood that the words are but straw compared to the Reality. I leaped from simply being the teacher of God's love to becoming Abba's delight. I said goodbye to feeling frightened and said shalom to feeling safe and adored."

-- Bob Hunt on Naznet, about Brennan Manning and his book, Abba's Child

Well, it was New Hampshire for me, but the same retreat focus and the same result, and what a beautiful little journey of discovery of common bonds this morning. Abba's delight - yea, I like that. My hand in His - yea, the only way to live.