Just a bunch of sick puppies we are!

The response to yesterday's message was exhilarating and fun (and I get that you really get me). And I got so many special little gifts from it.

Here is one: http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4 Enjoy!

And here is another:

thought this would sing to you, brother!!

brilliant!

love,
anil

Relentless Building
Mark Nepo

Ecologists and civil engineers are discovering that a disturbing byproduct of urban sprawl is how the relentless building of roads, parking lots, malls, and condominiums is literally sealing off vast surfaces of the earth. Over time, we are learning that this is preventing rain from seeping naturally into the earth where it nourishes root systems and replenishes underground aquifers. The importance of this is that without water to feed root systems, the healthy magic of spring is stunted. When the rain can't replenish the aquifers, then rivers and streams cease to be fed, which chokes the life cycle of fish, which interrupts the natural food chain.

Furthermore, when the rain can't penetrate the concrete lining we are building, it has to go somewhere, and so it floods. Given this, we are seeing an increase in resources being spent to control flooding, which only diverts the much-needed water further away from the very land that needs it in the first place. In systems theory, this form of thinking is known as a doom-loop.

There is a startling parallel here to how we seal over the deeper nature of our human experience. The modern sprawl of noise and consumerism is forming an impenetrable lining of culture that diverts our experience from seeping naturally into the ground of our being. Our modern obsession with doing, buying, and having, with makeovers, fame, and celebrity, is creating a form of spiritual drought. Covering the earth with our diversions prevents experience from watering our roots. Then, when plain living has no way to enter us, it floods, and we start to believe that it's the experience of living that can't be managed or trusted. And so we avoid life more, diving further into our diversions, which are the problem in the first place. It's a damning cycle, a perceptual doom-loop.

Undoing the seal of our culture is an overwhelming task, but we can begin by saving our own lives, by putting down what linings we carry or wear, by letting our skin again be our skin, by restoring direct experience and letting the air and rain hit our lips, by singing and dancing and loving out loud.


It most certainly does! The revolution lives!

And finally, here is one more, with a full dose of glorious child-like humor, this is one of the things Jake asked me to read to him at bedtime last night, from Calvin & Hobbes ("It's A Magical World"), as Calvin waxes poetic about his parents:

MY MOM AND MY DAD ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM.
THEIR DULL APPEARANCE IS PART OF THEIR SCHEME.
I KNOW OF THEIR PLANS. I KNOW THEIR TECHNIQUES.
MY PARENTS ARE OUTER SPACE ALIEN FREAKS!

THEY LANDED ON EARTH IN SPACESHIPS HUMONGOUS.
POSING AS GROWN-UPS, THEY NOW WALK AMONG US.
MY PARENTS DENY THIS, BUT I KNOW THE TRUTH.
THEY'RE HERE TO ENSLAVE ME AND SPOIL MY YOUTH.

EARLY EACH MORNING, AS THE SUN SLOWLY RISES,
MOM AND DAD PUT ON THEIR EARTHLY DISGUISES.
I KNEW RIGHT AWAY THEIR MASKS WEREN'T LEGIT.
THEIR FACES ARE LINED - THEY SAG AND DON'T FIT.

THE EARHT'S GRAVITY MAKES THEM SLUGGISH AND SLOW.
THEY SAY NOT TO RUN, WHEREVER I GO.
THEY LIVE BY THE CLOCK. THEY'RE SLAVES TO ROUTINES.
THEY WORK THE YEAR 'ROUND. THEY'RE JUST LIKE MACHINES.

THEY DENY THAT TV AND FRIED FOOD HAVE MUCH WORTH.
THEY CANNOT BE HUMAN. THEY'RE JUST NOT OF THIS EARTH.
I CANNOT ESCAPE THEIR ALIEN GAZE,
AND THEY'RE WARPING MY MIND WITH THEIR ALIEN WAYS.
FOR SINISTER PLOTS, THIS ONE IS A GEM.
THEY'RE BRINGING ME UP TO TURN ME INTO THEM!

I actually think the opposite is happening - he's bringing me up to turn me into him.

Fundamental positive change

For me, and for where I am right now, this is one of the most important journal sharings in years, in that it is most purely reflective of my current state, while it is also most totally shattering of my ego-mind, as well as most wildly inspiring to my heart and soul, as well as most joyfully uplifting of my spirit. This is the new frontier I'm boldly moving into, and it's staggering in its full implications and ramifications. The pieces below are all drawn from the same new book I'm reading these days called Choose the Life, by Bill Hull, given to me by a man who says that it reflects for him the life I'm obviously committed to and starting to live out loud. I have no comment on that, in that it stirs me too deeply for words. For those that would ask that I not talk about Jesus so much, I ask for your patient perseverance through the spirit of the sharing rather than get stuck on or distracted by the words that push your buttons. I understand these buttons very well, as you are well aware. For those of you who don't really believe there's a Satan, I ask the same tolerance and understanding, while searching for the much deeper personal meaning. For those who totally like the way what is said is said, please don't make that mean too much, either. The words are not the key here. The spirit of this offering is the key, and it is haunting in its deep emotional stir.

"Let this mind (attitude) be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made himself of no reputation or special status, taking the form of a servant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient, to the point of death, even the death of the cross."

-- Philippians 2:5-8

"You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave - just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

-- Matthew 20:25-28

"The most radical social teaching of Jesus was his total reversal of the contemporary notion of greatness. Leadership is found in being the servant - not the ruler, representative, figurehead, or controller of all or any. Power is discovered in submission to the mission. The foremost symbol of this radical servanthood is the cross ... He flatly rejected the cultural givens of position, power, rank, and status when he said, 'you are not to be called Rabbi ... neither are you to be called masters.' He took women very seriously and was always willing to meet with children, he took the towel and washed his disciples' feet."

-- Richard Foster

"If you want to bring fundamental positive change to people's lives and behaviors and attitudes, starting with your own, a change that will persist and influence others for generations to come, you need to first create a humble, loving community and culture around yourself and them where those new beliefs can be practiced, expressed, and nurtured out in the open, in an environment of grace in which each person accepts each other person exactly how and where they are in the moment, and celebrates how God has made them and what He's doing within them, and encourages each other to practice and train in going deeper into themselves and their relationship with Him."

-- Malcolm Gladwell

"Satan does not want us to have a renewed, transformed mind. He enjoys thwarting us with his own ideas and perversions of the truth. One of his favorites is: If God is in it, then a blessed life will be easy, fun, opulent, and things will always run smoothly, and if that's not so, He has somehow judged and abandoned you. Why is the most common prayer in Christendom, 'May the upcoming event go smoothly?' It joins the chorus of other ridiculous platitudes, such as: God's work done in God's way will never lack God's resources.' and 'God's blessing is in evidence in numerical growth, financial plenitude and stability, and a congregation free of conflict and other forms of mayhem.'

Try this stuff out on the church in Rwanda, where 75% of the pastors were killed in tribal genocide in 1994 and 15% more fled the country. The average income in Rwanda is one hundred U.S. dollars a month. They don't ever expect it to go smoothly. So why is it that these godly men and women don't have all the resources they need? Don't they read the right books and send money to the right televangelist? Satan loves it when we allow our culture to set the standards for the church. He wants us to believe in a Christianity built on Western capitalistic social structures. Jesus, however, promised difficulty and persecution, saying that we should be glad, because he will turn it all into good, whether we get to clearly and explicitly witness it or not."

-- Bill Hull, in Choose the Life

"I am attracted to the radical, but these things are so radical even I don't like them. I am a marginal iconoclast, but I enjoy breaking more than being broken. Brokenness before God means to relinquish all rights and dreams, to submit them to God's greater good and purpose for my life. This passage reminds me of Henri Nouwen's words that 'following Jesus means resisting the temptation to be relevant.' He wrote, 'I am deeply convinced that the Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self.' Some might want to dismiss Nouwen as a brilliant nonconformist whose monkish tendencies created such crazy and totally impractical statements. But, then again, it could be that irrelevancy is the true road to global impact.

The gurus of the inner life have been preaching at us for hundreds of years: slow down, be quiet and still, kill the monster within that insists on being first, being noticed, being praised, that can be found preening itself atop achievement, while basking in its own glory amidst great publicity. Many have written them off as unnecessary reminders of an ancient life of contemplation and peace that is locked away behind the thick walls of boring and useless retreat centers. The prevailing evangelical mind says that what we need our soldiers charging into the battle mounted on the engine of technology, armed with strategic plans and organizational procedures. Could it be that we have been terribly wrong about all this? Have we ignored God and Jesus as our leader and chosen lesser gods? It very well could be that we should drop our laptops and iPhones and reconsider everything."

-- Bill Hull, in Choose the Life

I'm all ears and heart and ready hands. I see the moment-to-moment ramifications of that attentiveness and readiness. There's no wiggle room and no way out. Full throttle love, with all my heart and soul, here we go.

Love's servants we shall be!

"So it's a long and tortuous road that leads from the love we experience within our closest circle of friends and loved ones, to that larger LOVE which could bring peace to a fearful, war-torn world. But the journey of love (and LOVE) is one which each and every one of us is called to take. In fact, it is the only journey that really matters. For God is love, and we are called to Him.

Realistically, as we begin our journey, we must confess that love is not something we truly possess in most of our present moments. We do not have and carry with us such an abundance of love that we can spread it around like so many tons of surplus wheat to feed a love-starved world. In fact, love is not a thing we can ever possess at all. Just the opposite; it flows through and ultimately takes possession of us! It rises up in our midst despite our best efforts to stamp it down - often when we least expect it - when we have done nothing to deserve it. Love takes us by surprise; it takes us by storm; it strikes us to the root and core of our being, changing us forever.

The greatest of the saints have said it, from St. Paul to St. Francis of Assisi; from St. Augustine to Bishop Tutu. Love is not a virtue to be attained by diligent organizing and training on the outside; it's not an accomplishment to be achieved by fiat of the will, at the very bottom love is a gift of God's overwhelming grace, to which we are invited to surrender deep on the inside.

'All the world needs now is love, sweet love,' said the song writer. But how we are to move on out from that sweet song into this world of hard, bitter-sweet experience is neither simple nor easy. True love requires more than an outburst of feeling; it requires a disciplined and deeply internal application of energy and imagination, of belief and choice. Love requires an honest and real assessment of one's own strengths and weaknesses at the time - in other words, of one's current loving capacities - but more than anything, love requires total faith in action. Not blind faith, but a faith informed by all the knowledge and wisdom we can acquire in a lifetime of longing and searching.

We believe that God is love. And this makes all the difference in the world. For what the love of God requires, God empowers us to give. As God has called us to be love's faithful servants, love's servants we shall be!"

-- Charles Henderson

"I believe that the whole purpose of life is simply to grow in love. I believe that this growth in our capacity and willingness to love will contribute more than any other force to establish the Kingdom of God here on earth."

-- Leo Tolstoy

We are here to embark on a fantastic voyage. Not a voyage to some distant land, or to the depths of the seas, or to a remote planet in a galaxy far, far away, but a voyage deep inside the self, to the very core of our being. This is the last and greatest frontier, where we ultimately meet ourselves and Him, where we learn what love really is and how to live it in the Kingdom HERE AND NOW, and it can be so frightening that most will scoff at the notion for a very long time, maybe their whole lives, while keeping themselves way too busy and self-reliant to even contemplate such a crazy notion. But the journey awaits, anyway, patiently and relentlessly, calling us ever Homeward.

I remember asking a friend the other day this question, and it was a question I ask myself every day: "Are you willing to own and committedly work on, in every conscious moment, whatever there is inside you that is keeping you from being fully alive, fully connected, fully loving, fully purposeful, fully thankful?" This is a really big question that we must answer with a resounding "Yes!" to even have a chance at true life here on earth, and, yes, we have been offered just that - Heaven on earth, for a long and prosperous life (just not the way that we - in our egos - might want it). And without this yes, we are sadly and very simply committing ourselves to "robot, cog, zombie" status, plugged into a machine that keeps us feeling alone, blind, crazed, distracted, empty, fearful, greedy, hungry, ill, jumpy (you get the whole alphabet idea), and poor, no matter how much we think we have, and weak, no matter how strong we feel or try to look.

People often ask me what I mean about all of this spiritual stuff, as if I just started speaking a foreign language, or maybe have gone weak and wimpy. I know why this is so. And so be it. And it's not really about the way I'm speaking at all. Another good friend said to me a few days ago, "Thank you for continuing to speak the truth, even while being so widely misunderstood." I really appreciate that comment, even while I'm working diligently on the stuff inside of me that would have me even care about such things. Deep down inside me on the journey, I care about ONE thing, and it is growing the world's capacity to LOVE NOW, starting with me, and I care about it even while seemingly confusing people and incurring their wrath about it, knowing that that is what's growing and serving me in this moment, and it's totally OK.

OK, time for a funny story. A guy took me to lunch the other day to say thank you for the choices I make in my life. It was very cool and very appreciated. This guy is wrestling with his ego, trying not to need people to listen to him and value his opinion. It came time for our fortune cookies. There were two. I asked him to choose first. Here was how it worked out, and notice the perfection of it:

His: "People are drawn to you and look to you for advice."

Mine: "Stay away from the power position for one day."

Ah, the perfection! God (who is not mean-spirited, but totally loving) is always giving us exactly what we need vs. what we want. Thank God He's the one in charge here.

P.S. One final note. Jake and I went go-karting yesterday, and it was really cool.

No, that's not us sorry, photo not here). I wish I could be showing you a photo of me and Jake out on the track, but on the first turn, while I was trying to take a pictureof Jake's driving from behind him, only to discover that our memory card was full, and as I tried to put the camera back in its case - you guessed it - I dropped it on the track, and, yes, you guessed it again, it got run over by another car that was behind us. So, I am showing you a stock photo from the place's web site to give you an idea of our experience yesterday.

So, after crying the financial blues a few weeks ago, I get a speedingticket on Thursday and then a camera destroyed yesterday. I hope it doesn't really "come in three's." Happy Anniversary to us, anyway! And don't worry, folks, I'll get over it. So, go-karting, Jake's baseball game,and our anniversary date all went OK, anyway, in spite of all the unbelievable, unpredictable shenaginans. We have no camera, Jake's team is winless, and I spent too much money on too much rich food. But Anne and I had a few quiet moments together, and a chance to remember why we're doing all this, and it was real and good.

Hooray! LOVE WINS again! No matter what life dishes up.

I am love's servant, and serving is what I'll do.

... and while still in a poetry mood

For one human being to truly and deeply love another, that is the most difficult of all our tasks,
the ultimate, the last test of proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation."

-- Rainer Maria Rilke

Advice to a Girl (applies equally to us boys)

No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed;
Lay that on your heart,
My young angry dear;

This truth, this hard and precious stone,
Lay it on your hot cheek,
Let it hide your tear.
Hold it like a crystal
When you are all alone

And gaze into the depths of the icy stone.
Long, look long and you will be richly blessed:
No one worth possessing
Can be quite possessed.

Sara Teasdale


Alchemy

I lift my heart as spring lifts up
A yellow daisy to the rain;
My heart will be a lovely cup
Altho' it holds but pain.

For I shall learn from flower and leaf
That color every drop they hold,
To change the lifeless wine of grief
To living gold.

Sara Teasdale



The Impossible

What am I
A paradox or a lie?
Telling the truth to you
That only what one sees is true

You may see nothingness
And yet remain the same beingness.
Gazing upon perfection
The impossible brings reflection.

Aaron Hobart

Another jolt of amazing poetry, two by a contemporary of Rilke, and one by a blossoming artist among us.

On the eve of the 12th anniversary of my marriage with Anne, I reflect on some simple truths about life and love and pain and pleasure. I've never met anyone more "worth possessing" than my amazing wife, Anne, and I've never met anyone more totally "unpossessable," and I totally adore her, and it is a truly magnificent dilemma. In the midst of the pain of my life's longing and neediness, I have learned to genuinely love without need in this relationship, and that is a fabulous gift, and the greatest pleasure of my life, and while I have been "reflecting on its perfection" over the years, "looking long and becoming richly blessed," I have become a devoted student of "love's alchemy" everywhere, the gentle art of "turning grief into gold," of "turning fear into love," and it is a beautiful mission, truly beautiful beyond words, but thankfully there are some that can begin to touch on it.

Thank you, Sara. Thank you, Aaron. And thank you, Anne, my beloved and my friend, as we approach 12 years.


Alchemy is the process of transformation.

The medieval meaning of the word refers in particular to
the transformation of base metals into gold.

Here, the word refers to the transformative power of love.

Love is the heartbeat of life.

Love's alchemy transforms all that you fear
into all that you most cherish.

You are the alchemist!

What a wonderful and worthy pursuit, with such a wonderful and worthy partner! And what I see is true.

A trilke of Rilke


I don't consider myself much of a poet, or even someone who really appreciates good poetry, but the latter is being challenged this morning, in having found three beautiful, masterful works by one amazing guy, Rainer Maria Rilke, a German poet at the turn of the 20th century, a man who lived on the edge of life and died way too young, at 50, of leukemia, while claiming that:

"Works of art are indeed always products of having been in great danger, of having gone to the very end in an experience, to where man can go no further."

I believe in all that has never yet been spoken
I want to free what waits silently within me
So that what no one has dared to wish for
May for once spring clear without my contriving
If this is arrogant, God forgive me,
But this is what I need to say
May what I do and who I am flow from me like a river
No forcing, no holding back
The way it is with children
Then in these swelling and ebbing currents
These deepening tides, moving out, returning
I will sing You as no one ever has
Streaming through widening channels
Into the open sea, home to You

-- Rainer Maria Rilke


Towards all that is unsolved in your heart
Be patient
Try to love the questions
Do not desperately seek answers
which cannot be given
you would not be able to live them yet
Live everything
Live the questions now
you will then gradually,
without noticing it,
Live into the answers
Some distant day.

-- Rainer Maria Rilke

As once the winged energy of delight
carried you over childhood's dark abysses,
now beyond your own life build the great
arch of unimagined bridges.

Wonders happen if we can succeed
in passing through the harshest danger;
but only in a bright and purely granted
awareness can we realize the wonder.

To work with Things in the indescribable
relationship is not too hard for us;
the pattern grows more intricate and subtle,
and being swept blindly along is not enough.

Take your practiced powers and stretch them out
until they span the chasm between two
contradictions...For God
wants to know Himself in you.

-- Rainer Maria Rilke

What beautifully flowing words these are, like a cool musical river meandering through my soul, leaving me silent, still, and at peace. "For God wants to know Himself in me" ... I can actually feel that very deeply, and it comforts and soothes me. In a time when I can easily feel so grossly misunderstood by so many, pushed to the very end in my experience and in great danger (at least of losing my mind), I can feel so completely understood and valued by my Creator, and what a pure, delicious joy that is. He sings to me in such amazing ways, even through the century-old lyrics of a distant stranger, when I am listening. I can only hope my writings might affect and move others on some distant shore (whether in time or space) just like this some day. And to whomever that might be, I say, welcome to the trembling essence of my existence, and I love you, just as Rainer loved me this morning.

The building blocks of a great life

"Every life's calling is great when greatly pursued."

-- Barbara Sher

"Every person’s life is a fabulous fairytale written by God’s fingers."

-- Hans Christian Anderson

"To be a true warrior is to learn to be genuine in every moment of your life's grand adventure."

-- Chogyam Trungpa

"True happiness and peace is when what you are thinking, what you are saying, what you are feeling, and who you are being are in perfect harmony (and harmony does not necessarily mean 'agreement' or 'the same' here)."

-- Mahatma Gandhi

"The basic difference between an ordinary man and a real warrior is that the warrior sees everything as a challenge while an ordinary man sees everything as either a blessing or a curse."

-- Don Juan in "Tales of Power"

"The secret to experiencing a fulfilling, joyful, and magical life is to have a compelling and extraordinary mission, with related projects and tasks-at-hand, something you devote your entire life and your every drop of energy to, . . . and the most important thing is -- it must be something you know you cannot possibly do by yourself!"

-- Henry Moore

In my experience and opinion, life is not designed or meant by God to be comfortable, peaceful, pleasing, and secure all or even most of the time. Instead it is usually wildly chaotic, totally mind-bending, often heartbreaking, always extravagantly rich, and amazingly and ultimately - if we fully choose it and hotly pursue it in the midst of all of the above - fantastic, fulfilling, and very sweet, leaving us in a state of constant awe and wonder. I am reminded of a photograph of my little girl on my shoulder, holding me while dozing off in my arms at a baseball game. This is a chaotic little wild child, our little four-year-old Heather (and this life and calling of mine), so full of life and spirit and tenacious will, and she bends my ear and mind quite often, while breaking my heart on occasion, but the extravagant richness of her, oh my God, she is so amazing, and, in the end, in my utter exhaustion from trying desperately to keep up with her, I feel fantastic beyond words, so perfectly fulfilled as a Daddy (and warrior), so overwhelmed by God's and her awesome sweetness (and the perfection of why I'm here).

This is life to me, and not just this singular magical moment, but everything (and can you imagine, parents?) that led up to it, which only enriched and infused this moment with its perfection. It's all so totally, unbelievably good.

Standing naked before the mirror, and being willing to look

"The man who fears no truths (especially about himself), has nothing to fear from others' lies."

-- Thomas Jefferson

"I guess you may have already figured out that the key to living a life of faith is the willingness to wholeheartedly - and fearlessly - embrace and speak the truth. And speaking the truth is not just about being decent and moral with others; it is about being ruthlessly truthful with yourself, no matter how painful. Without being willing to know and honor your own deepest truth you will hinder your progress on your spiritual path, because you are dishonoring your connection with the Sacred, which knows absolutely everything about you, and adores you."

-- A.C. Ping, in Faith

And from all places, here's a cool verse from an old country song that fits perfectly, whether it's being sung to your girl or your God:

It's taken me some time to read the writing on the wall
But I have finally figured out just what's been going on
And I need to tell you what I've learned before you turn to go
There's things about that other man I think that you should know
The man that came between us was looking out for number one
He didn't care how bad he hurt you by the selfish things he'd done
But looking in the mirror, today, I finally came to see that
That man that came between us was me

-- Aaron Tippin, in "The Man That Came Between Us (Was Me),"
from his 1991 album, "You've Got To Stand For Something"

"Pain is the bitter pill of the inner physician that cracks the shell of our deepest understanding,
inviting us to live."

-- Kahlil Gibran, in "The Prophet"

OUCH!!!!!!!! OK, OK, I'M ALIVE, ALREADY!

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can ultimately contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?"

-- Kahlil Gibran

"The more we see how cracked and broken we are (or how many "dots" are stuck to us, many by ourselves), the more we invite the Potter in (or the Wood Carver) to see how He sees us, which sets us free."

-- Yours Truly, referring to us "Wemmicks" and the
"Wood Carver" in Max Lucado's "You Are Special"

Fear of rejection, and the return to hope

I am finding that I have created and cultivated the most extensive and useful body of writing imaginable for my own healing and recovery, and it is the archives of my journal entries for the last 6 years, and today I was feeling a need to write about my sometimes paralyzing fear of intimacy, rooted in a deep fear of rejection, and this warm, soothing salve showed up right as I needed it. The triggering interest in the subject came up in a conversation with a friend late yesterday afternoon, where I stated that my experiences as a coach has taught me that people often feel (and unconsciously live) that "the best way to retaliate against your parents, with whom you might not have felt allowed or known how to communicate your pain and suffering as a child, was to totally fail at your life as an adult." Once spotting that unconscious strategy of vengeful retribution, there is hope for recovery in time for a great and purposeful life.

Fear of intimacy (from October, 2006)

"The simplest and most understandable way I have ever heard intimacy described is by breaking the word down into: into me I see. That is what intimacy is about - allowing another person to 'see into us,' sharing all of who we are with another person."

"Fear of intimacy is at the heart of co-dependency. We have a fear of intimacy because we have a fear of abandonment, betrayal, and rejection. We have these fears because we were deeply wounded in early childhood - we experienced feeling emotionally abandoned, rejected, and betrayed by our parents or siblings because they were equally, if not more wounded. They did not have healthy relationship with self - they were codependents who abandoned and betrayed themselves - and their behavior invited us to feel equally unworthy and unlovable."

"As children we were incapable of seeing ourselves as separate from our families - of knowing we had worth as individuals apart from our families. The reality we grew up in was the only reality that we knew. We thought our family's behavior reflected our worth - the same way that our codependent parents thought our behavior was a factor in whether they had any worth."

"Sharing who we are is a problem for codependents because at the core of our relationship with ourselves is the feeling that we are somehow defective, unlovable, and unworthy - because of our childhood emotional trauma. Codependency is rooted in our ego programming from early childhood. That programming is a defense system that the ego adapted to help us survive. It is based upon the feeling that we are shameful, that we are defective, unworthy, and unlovable. Our codependent defense system is an attempt to protect us from being rejected, betrayed, and abandoned again because of our unworthy, shameful being."

"We have a fear of intimacy because we were wounded, emotionally traumatized, in early childhood - felt rejected and abandoned - and then grew up in emotionally dishonest societies that did not provide tools for healing, or healthy role models to teach us how to overcome that fear. Our wounding in early childhood caused us to feel that something was wrong with our being - so-called 'toxic shame' - and our societal and parental role models taught us to keep up appearances, to hide and protect our shamefulness from others."

"As long as we are reacting unconsciously to our childhood emotional wounds and intellectual programming, we keep repeating the same patterns. We keep getting involved with and triggering people who are stuck in their own 'unavailability,' calling forth their worst patterns to dance with ours, rather than encouraging and inviting and welcoming their best. We keep setting ourselves up to be abandoned, betrayed, and rejected, because that's what we know so well. We keep looking for love while at the same time sabotaging it as any possibility shows up. Is it any wonder we have a fear of intimacy?"

-- Robert Burney

Burney goes on to say that we are not being "punished" by difficult relationships - we are being "educated" by them and invited into freedom. And if we can treat them as important lessons being taught to us, rather than ghoulish nightmares being perpetrated on us, there are amazing shifts that can occur in these difficult relationships. When I am being treated as an enemy by someone else, or when I'm feeling condemned or judged as dangerous or harmful to them, I know that I can act much differently than my true nature - that I can actually feel a strong tug to "fit the mold" that has been prepared for me - like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Doesn't it make sense that others who I struggle with would feel the same about how I act around them or what I do to protect myself, and that if I could shift my attitude and behavior to ones of greater generosity and understanding, that I might see a natural softening and a return to the other's person's true nature. And that the more we become intimate with and learn about the inner workings of ourselves, and learn to accept and honor these things about ourselves, thereby freeing us to choose behaviors more effectively, the more intimate and powerful our relationships with others become, especially in the breakthroughs in the really difficult ones.

Intimacy, life, and love truly are creative acts. We must get to the place of seeing that our pain and shame and struggles are actually created and kept alive in our minds as we feed them. They are not real, but only illusions, made up from things that happened in the past that we didn't fully understand. Our ability to create with love, aligned with the awesome creation of our amazing Creator, is unleashed to the extent that we can get to "nothing" - meaning that nothing that slows or stops us is even real. With this newfound freedom, we're unleashed to get intimate with all of life, which is the most delicious dance imaginable.

And not to belabor the point, but as I said last week, today is the actual date of my father's death three years ago, and this is a very important day in a man's life - the day his father dies. My father, like so many fathers of the men of my generation, was not a man who taught me about openness, love, intimacy, and deep connection when I was growing up. In fact, he was not very compassionate, pleasant, warm and fuzzy at all, and I did not feel very lovable and/or worthy in his presence most of the time, especially when I hadn't gotten things quite right. As a boy, I knew him as distant and distracted at times, angry and very scary at others. I was downright afraid of him during those times and came to resent him quite a bit as I grew into early adulthood, and it limited and twisted the first half of my life accordingly. While trying not to be like him, I duplicated him just about perfectly for my boys, I'm sure, but we grew painfully through that about a dozen years ago, in the midst of great turmoil and upset. It only took me until I was about 40 to see it. I've always been a slow, but steady learner.

Letting go of the childhood lessons I learned from a man who was just really hurting himself was the key to my future well-being, as well as being able to look at the many messes I created all on my own, while "blaming" my life's hardships and struggles on him, and from there we could grow toward instead of further away from each other with a sense of deep empathy. And with each passing year it got better and better, and it peaked right at the time of his death, and I learned that none of my capacity to connect with others and love deeply was ever really about him, and by my freeing him from the burden of my pain, God freed me from the burden of his, giving me greater ongoing access to the love and intimacy we both felt at the end.

Learning intimacy with my Dad (which strangely continues to grow after his death), which was previously the scariest place to go in my life, proved to be the doorway to the greatest lesson of my life. I miss him today, although I feel him over my shoulder saying, "Keep growing and learning to love, Jim. It's such a big and complicated job, which you can never get quite right, but you're doing more than good enough, and I'm very proud of you."

And amazingly, this time from this same day in April of 2005 (and how cool is that):

"If you're fortunate enough to be so called and so guided, you come to a place in your life where you get to identify, understand, recover from, and make amends for the damage done by the strategy you chose to survive your early life, and at that point it becomes a God-given invitation, if not responsibility, to help other's see the damage being done to themselves and others by their own often-unconsciously-chosen survival strategies."

-- Yours Truly

"There are an infinity of angles at which one falls, and only one at which one stands."

-- G.K. Chesterton

Avoiding the "conveniences of victimhood" and "dangerous compromises" when practicing "pacifism"

If you would like to learn something about the psychology of violence, read on. I think you'll find it fascinating. It is not as simple as you might think, meaning that there are not just scary perps and innocent victims all the time. That is the case sometimes, but in personal relationships it can get a little trickier. Dig into this deeply and read very carefully if you'd like to see how. There is hidden gold in here for everyone, I think, from an unlikely but very articulate source, and it applies across much broader scenarios than just back-alley street-fights. Thanks, Animal! And if you believe in love and non-violence, be sure you're ready for the real thing, because faking it can get you seriously hurt.

Conveniences of victimhood

"As the old saying goes, 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.' And yet, there are common, repeating behaviors among those who think of themselves as 'victims' in their lives or their relationships. Recognize something right now that is very important - 'victimhood' is actually a coping strategy... one that gives the victim a very twisted, but very real power and control in many situations, but one that can backfire tragically.
What 'victims' (or people who live in a 'victim mentality') are usually not doing, is letting go of the 'psychology of violence.' They are just playing the other side of the coin -- and that is exactly what makes them such appealing targets to the more overtly violent partner or other person. They have the violence within them, but they don't have the resolution to act upon it in a 'winning way.' They are often literally, the co-dependant to the alcoholic, both enmeshed in the same dysfunctional psychology.

This violent psychology can be openly displayed or deeply buried and cleverly disguised, but it is definitely there. When blatant, the previously defined behaviors are easy to see and the hypocrisy obvious. When buried or obscured by other issues, these patterns are much harder for a normal person to spot and identify -- especially if the 'victim' is adept at covering them up with the guise of peacefulness, altruism, or ideology. However, if you 'push the right buttons' you will see this violent, angry, and hostile aspect quickly displayed. Literally you will see a Jeckyl and Hyde transformation. One of the fastest ways to see this transformation is if you challenge their 'disguise' of peacefulness. A prime example of this facade was Wayne Williams, the Georgia serial killer in the early 80s. Soft spoken and mild mannered in presentation, the court case was not going well for the prosecution because the jury could not believe such a gentle person could be a serial killer. Finally his veneer cracked and he displayed his rabid darker side. A hidden persona that was indeed very capable of sexually assaulting and killing multiple children.

The reactions of a 'false pacifist' is significantly different than how a truly peaceful person will react to challenges to their peacefulness. A truly peaceful person will not react with hostility, anger, blame, or 'guilt-tripping' the person questioning his or her motives. For a lack of better words, there is a sense of brittle shallowness about the 'peacefulness' of someone who is hiding behind the guise of pacifism or self-righteousness. They have all the outward signs of someone who is peaceful and righteous, but there is something very ugly and controlling lurking just beneath the surface. In so-called 'normal people,' this creates an uneasy sense of there being a very scary and suspicious hypocrisy at work. There is a weirdness present, they can feel it, but it's one where they often can't tell you what is wrong, but they know something isn't quite right with this person.

However, it is this lack of peaceful depth and the violence 'peeking out to see if it is safe to come forth' that tips off openly hostile people as to such a person's 'victim potential.' Violent people like hurting other violent people and there is nothing more easy to victimize than a violent person who doesn't know that he or she is really violent underneath. Think of it as a kind of revenge motive. They want someone who will squirm in outrage and anger, but be too afraid to do anything overtly physical about it. This is why criminals don't necessarily go after the totally weak and helpless. They want someone with just enough unconscious internal fight to make it fun. And people who 'define themselves as victims' fit this bill perfectly, they have all the reactions that feed right into this dynamic. They have enough violence within themselves to know what is happening, and they also have the fixation on violence that tells the 'abuser' that they are a losing player in the game of violence.

True pacifism is a wonderful and noble endeavor. Simply stated the world would be a far, far better place if more people practiced it instead of hiding behind the preaching of it for their own ends and agendas. The problem is with the way most people 'practice it' is very much along the line of Danny Young's comment to his wife, where he so eloquently responded to a claim of pacifism by his quietly embittered ex-wife with the following words: 'You're not a pacifist, you're just afraid of the physical violence you are stirring up.' These people are less interested in non-violence than they are in wanting to control the subtle, non-physical violence that they are engaged in to their own advantage.

In short, if you choose not to physically defend yourself against violence, you must also adopt 'true pacifism,' which is the only way to effectively squelch it. If you choose to defend yourself in any way (physical or otherwise), you must forgo the 'conveniences of victimhood' and accept responsibility for your actions and attitudes.

There is no convenient middle ground on this issue - that is to say one where you can verbally or emotionally attack people and then blame them for the physical consequences. Such a position will literally put you standing in the middle of a freeway, insisting on your right to be there and then being outraged that you are hit by a car. That is exactly what 'practiced victims' do. And sooner or later they meet up with someone who is far more violent than they are and 'totally willing to be that.' You can be on one side of the road or the other, trying to stand in the middle will get you squished like a grape."

-- Marc "Animal" MacYoung, (one of the leading authors and instructors of reality based self-defense)

Dangerous Compromises

"The raw and unpalatable truth is that most people who find themselves in a violent situation had an active part in its creation. The problem is they don't understand where it was heading until it blows up in their faces. While there are many factors involved, one of the bigger ones is because they didn't understand the differences between force and violence -- or how their actions and attitudes can easily cross from being assertive into being aggressive.

In not realizing this, they cross over from defending their boundaries into becoming a fighter. I cannot tell you how many fights I have broken up and had both parties claim it was '"self-defense.' Both parties actually believed the other person was being the aggressor and they were 'defending' themselves from the other person's aggression. How can this be? How can two people be 'defending' themselves? Yet you will find this attitude again and again. As you will see there is a big difference between self-defense and choosing to fight.

It is our position that most people have never researched the subject of violence, much less given it much thought about the choices involved. This is a neutral observation. Where the issue becomes less neutral is the motivation for such a behavior. Some people don't do it because quite frankly it is a non-issue in their lives. They simply do not live lives where crime and violence are major factors. For others, the polar opposite applies. Crime and violence is very much a factor in their lives, but since it is so systemic they just don't bother to question it. They just accept it as part of life and react accordingly. Then there are some who intentionally avoid looking at the subject because it might reveal serious character flaws in their personalities. If they understood what violence is and how often they commit it they would no longer be able to fool themselves into believing that they are such good people... or maybe even peaceful ones.

We feel however, there is a much larger group for whom the issue is defined by what they think they know about violence. The people fit what American humorist Will Rogers meant when he is supposed to have said, 'It ain't that people are ignorant, it's that they know so much that just ain't so.' It is these people who, because they think they know what violence is, make dangerous compromises with themselves about what they will and will not do. These compromises, while they work in safe environments, actively put you at risk in dangerous situations."

-- Marc "Animal" MacYoung

"All that a pacifist can undertake - but it is a very great deal - is to refuse to kill, injure, or otherwise cause suffering to another human creature through any means, and untiringly to order his life by the rules of love."

-- Vera Britain

"Many people know the simple spiritual law that darkness and evil can only be overcome by light and good. Pacifists not only know it, they also surrender their lives to the ongoing attempt to live it."

-- Peace Pilgrim

"When loving non-violence is accepted as the law of life it must pervade the whole being and not be applied conveniently to selfishly isolated acts and cleverly selective means."
-- Mohandas K. Gandhi

Living in a paradigm that says "love is all there is" is very, very hard, and yet amazingly valuable work when it comes to learning about love, learning how to love. We can never quite reach the standard of perfect love in our lifetime, but our willingness to be totally self-responsible in our study and practice can bring us many experiences of great and liberated joy on the other side of every "to-be-expected" experience of chaos and confusion. Faking it is never necessary (when we are accepting and gentle and honest with ourselves), but often tried, and it is never effective or successful (it is always picked up by a would-be antagonist, and the spiral begins - the spiral of violence that kills relationships or makes them impossible). Remember, what we fake, we break, and then we ache.

A recurring reclamation project

"When we honestly ask ourselves which people in our lives mean the most to us, which people make the biggest difference, we often find that they are those who, instead of giving us quick advice, snap answers, crackpot cures, and really intelligent solutions that are all about them in the end, have chosen rather to first calmly remind us who and Whose we are, then fearlessly see and share our pain, then gently touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand, and then faithfully walk with us through the bitter darkness, into the beautiful new day that invariably awaits. They are people who, with no delusions of grandeur or self-importance, stand open, ready, and waiting for our next breakthrough God moment, whether we see it coming or not."

-- Henri Nouwen

I'm feeling much better and much lighter today, not as worn down by the seemingly crushing weight of the very sad state of marriage and family life in America (and right here in our greater Houston community), and not as personally responsible for fixing it, and this (above and below) is what helped me to get there before, and it's helping me tremendously again this weekend, just remembering and soaking in it:

"Jim, do not avoid, get defensive, feel hurt by, or run away from those who are seeking more of Me through you, even when they occasionally disrespect or elevate you, mistreat or misunderstand you, or grossly over- or under-value you. Remember, you are always My child, no matter what; you are My fun dance partner, when you slow down to remember Me; you are My just-in-time instrument of love, when you surrender to that beautiful purpose in the moment; with whom I am well-pleased, and I have been preparing you well for fully receiving and sharing My love. You will need nothing more, trust Me, than this perfect preparation that is your life. You cannot reach it all and deliver it all for everyone you care about right now, even with your huge capacity for caring. You cannot touch every life that is lonely and lost, and every relationship that is hurting and threatened, and make it all better.

Remember what you sent out yesterday, about 'compassion' - about it being that 'fatal' capacity for simply 'feeling' others' pain? It was a good one, and yes, you must 'die' to that prideful self that thinks you can or even should 'fix it' for others (because you can't and it wouldn't even be the right thing), when your work is simply to 'feel it' with them when you can, 'communicate it' for them when they can't, and boldly express both feelings and words openly in ways that connect people at the level of My intelligence, light, and love that live and shine in their hearts.

You are one of many, many 'nerve cells' in My Body, and there is more usefulness in your sensitivity and your (and others') suffering than you can possibly know right now. My purpose is being served by this design in ways you cannot fully understand yet, including what I am working in you, which is so amazing and beautiful - I can't wait to fully share it with you when you come home.

Be clear about this in the human experience you are having: if you make it all about you here, it will become so and will bury, defeat, and destroy you way before your time. Lean on me as your sole and your soul's Source and Support, and just be there for others when you can, sharing your heart and your experiences. I will give you all that you need, I promise, in the way of comfort, compassion, love, understanding, and wisdom, which is all that others will ever be asking from and through you. They do not need for you to be or do more than you can or more than what you were born for, even if it might feel like they want more from time to time; they simply want and need to know more of Who you Know through this Connection, and to live and love more of What you are Living and Loving in Faith. So, Celebrate Your Life and Live Out Loud! Be that beacon of hope that you Know you are."

-- God re-claiming me in the midst of my occasional overwhelm (from an old message from September, 2005)

LOL! :-D

Oh, yes, and by the way, the song right after "War Within" on Todd Agnew's "Better Questions" CD was this one:

Martyr's Song--Todd Agnew
( a view of life, shared by God, on the other side of the completion of purpose)

I’ve been waiting to dance with you
In fields full of colors that you’ve never seen
I’ve been waiting to show you beauty
You never dreamed that’s always been inside you
I’ve been waiting to see you tremble as you’re embraced
By a world saturated with My love
I’ve been waiting for the day when at last I get to say
My child you are finally home

I’ve been waiting to watch you realize
What all your longing was for
I’ve been waiting to show you the thread of grace
That ran through all your pain
I’ve been waiting to let you drink the water of which
Your greatest joys on earth were just a taste
I’ve been waiting for the day when at last I get to say
My child you are finally home

Every tear you cried dried in the palm of My hand
Every lonely hour was by My side
Every loved one lost, every river crossed
Every moment, every hour was pointing to this day
Longing quietly for this day…

And to think, I get to have this right here and now, while still alive, not having to be a martyr (instead just having to die every day), as a tasty glimpse of things to come... This is such welcome salve on those days when I feel scraped raw.

Between men and women

"In the sex war, cruel thoughtlessness is the weapon of the male, cynical vindictiveness of the female."

-- Cyril Connolly

"It takes a man way too long to get it, and a woman way too long to forgive."

-- Yours Truly

"A woman's desire for revenge outlasts all her other emotions."

-- Cyril Connolly

"A man's desire to be considered good, right, and true (especially when he's not) outlasts all his other emotions."

-- Yours Truly

So, what has to happen for peace to return to the land? or for possibility to exist or to stay alive for ultimate transformation of a relationship between a man and a woman? Well, it's simple (yeah, right). One (and the man is invited to lead the way - and not because he's better - and even while the woman is equally capable) has to give up 100% of their desire and their nature and their staunch position first, and the other will naturally follow. Trying to battle out a negotiated settlement in the "ginormous gap" is futile, if not funny in its fruitlessness. We are way too different; we are way too human; we are way too obstinate; we are way too willing to wallow in self-pity, while blaming the other. The only way a supernatural, transformational result is ever possible is to consciously choose to put down our weapons in the moment of battle, to consciously choose to completely die to the total ridiculousness and self-destructiveness of ourselves, and to consciously choose to fully surrender to letting Him do it in us.