Asking for help

Many have questioned me about how I could possibly survive financially doing what I’ve been doing for these last 12 years. They cannot fathom how “I” (and there’s the main fallacy in the question) can possibly make ends meet with a young family and no stockpile of cash or paychecks coming in or corporate benefits of any kind and not charging people for my services (that’s just ridiculous, Jim), and by just asking for help and requesting support every so often when things start to feel crazy and impossible, and I think it mostly has to do with how embarrassing and frustrating it can be for most people to ask people for money (or anything, for that matter) for themselves. It strikes them as being or looking embarrassingly needy, desperate, dependent, etc., which feels like a fate worse than death. There appears to be a lot of pain and scarcity and shame and a real stigma around that subject of dependence and neediness for so many.

The answer I would offer is really very simple. “I” don’t do anything but what I’m told, and it’s not my job to “make my ends meet” (to “know my ends,” yes, but not to “make them meet”) only to do what I’m told, trusting that He has a plan for me that is far better than any I might have. I’ve run the full race before trying to do things my way, on my own and not needing Him or help from any others, and I collapsed under the weight of that independence in sheer and utter exhaustion. In truth, I don’t ever ask particular people (so-called customers) for specific amounts of money anymore (the price for my product or service), expecting those specific them to provide it. I simply ask (and thank) God for my sustenance (even before I feel as if I’ve really received it), so I can continue being all of Jim and doing this work that I love, believing with my whole heart that He wants me to and therefore will provide what I very specifically need (vs. amounts and things I think I might want), and I share that sincere belief in and request of Him with many people, some or one of whom He will use as He sees fit to provide it.

In other words, and only after having followed my very specific instructions, I thankfully express specific needs without having any specific expectations regarding how they will be met (while also knowing deep down that they already have and will continue to be over the duration), and I trust Him to do whatever He determines is best for me, even if it seeming to ignore me or punish me in some way. I trust His proven (time and time again), all-encompassing, drawing-close intent for me way more than I believe my largely unfounded (especially when I can see how much of my life’s pain and suffering I’ve projected onto Him) very specific and very isolating fears about Him and others. I have joyfully moved from “rich young ruler” status (blindly seeking what “I” can do better) to “blind beggar” non-status (seeing and understanding that He can do better and will, if I only ask and believe).

And, if you are looking for a one-word answer:

Authority and obedience - a delicate balance

“A person with great authority who has no place in or person with which to be humbly obedient is in great spiritual danger. Similarly, a very obedient person who has no place in or people with which to act with genuine authority is equally in danger. Jesus spoke with great authority, but his whole life was lived in complete obedience to his Father, and Jesus, who said to his Father, ‘Let it be as you, not I, would have it’ (Matthew 26:39), has been given all authority in heaven and on earth (see Matthew 28:18). Let us ask ourselves: Do we live our authority in obedience and do we live our obedience with authority? Both are equally important, if not required.”

-- Henri Nouwen Society

"Please take note that Satan is not afraid of our sharing the word of Christ, yet how very much he is in fear of our being truly obedient and deeply subject to him… We share the gospel in order to invite people into God's authority… We do not obey man but God's authority in that man… Before a man can subject himself to God's delegated authority he must first meet God's inherent authority… The work of redemption is to bring us back to the place where we will now find our right and wrong only in God, respecting and obeying and demanding what He says through truly surrendered people, including ourselves."

-- Watchman Nee, in Spiritual Authority

"I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does. Yes, to your amazement He will show him even greater things than these.”

-- John 5:19,20 (NIV)

“Why are we so afraid of the word ‘Authority?’ What is it about this word that causes our stomach to shrink and our pride to rise up? It should be a relief to have someone in genuine (vs. dominating for their own gain) authority over us? Someone to take real and reliable care of us, to make difficult decisions easily? We have had authority over us from the day we were born and will have authority over us throughout all eternity. Shouldn't we then embrace our so-called authorities? We have an awesome opportunity to pray for them, encourage them, and help them become the people God created them to be. When we honor God in obeying His Word and shining His Light we are showing others that God is our ultimate authority. We trust Him with our very lives, our body, our finances, our families, our homes, our vehicles, our hearts and minds. We are surrendering all aspects of our lives to Him for Him to reign over completely. Some of the reasons people fear the word authority is because of their insecurities and the frightful lack of control that seems to come with them, their unwillingness of submission (another word a lot of people are afraid of). Bottom line is people don't trust anyone anymore! How can we say we have surrendered to our God if we don't trust Him with our lives? If we don't submit to those He has placed in temporary authority over us? Our God has put everything in a very specific order for our benefit. We honor God through our obedience to His plan. God's desire is that we are set apart from the world; we are in the world but not of it. We have had many people ask us, ‘How do you know what God wants you to do?’ or they have a desire to know what their purpose in life is. The answer is doing what God has said in His Word to do. He does not want us to blend with the world; He wants us to stand out. We are ambassadors for Christ; we represent Him. We have been given a job to do. And our job is to ‘Be a light in the world’, to ‘Be the salt of the earth’.”

-- Judy Merrill

It’s really interesting. I didn’t want to send this message out this morning. After completing it, I didn’t really like it very much. It felt way too heavy-handed, too religious, too serious, and I had just come from time in a courtroom yesterday, where the exercise of authority made me sick to my stomach. I don’t even like the subjects of authority and obedience, anyway. And then I re-examined my heart, and asked Him for instruction, and waited, and it came.

“Here is a chance to practice what you preach, Jim – in other words, to obey Me vs. question yourself, to really respect My authority in your life. I say go with it. Let it rip! Be the light. Be the salt. Let the pots be stirred, starting with your own. And while you’re at it, my child, I want you to pick up the full authority I have delegated to you in your obedience, and wield it with great love and compassion and care. Ask for what is required everywhere you go. You will know what I mean by that. There will be things that need doing, roles that need playing, while you are off giving Me everything every day. Ask. Expect resistance. Notice people. Obey me. Share everything.”

Man, I really didn’t want to share that.

Observing the signs of a savior complex or co-dependency

“It is crucially important to note that underneath our deep-seated ‘need to be needed’ and our associated ‘need for things to be OK’ often lurks the so-called ‘savior complex,’ which derives from a fear that our lives are insignificant and unimportant, and that we are both powerless and worthless. When we fear the ambiguity, chaos, and mystery that God operates in inside human lives and our closest relationships, we go from a panicky feeling of being alone, helpless, and powerless to attempting to make ourselves gods in order to cope and feel better about ourselves.”

-- Kathleen Bren

“Co-dependency is not about the unhealthy or unresolved relationship one has with an addict or an excessively needy person; it is about the absence of a healthy relationship with oneself, where the excessive concerns about or the covert or overt attempts to control another’s well-being or predicament or possible choices becomes painfully detrimental to the person who has obviously taken ‘caring’ to dangerously counterproductive extremes.”

-- Terry Kellogg

What does it “sound like” - this co-dependence thing - many of you might be asking.

Well, here’s an anonymous posting to a hotline for co-dependents that gives you a good taste of the condition:

“I am so disgusted with myself! I feel like I must be a horrible person, like I am not worth anyone’s time or energy! I feel really lonely! I put other people first in my life, always doing things for them, always helping them out with their problems. I worry about their problems and concerns all the time, and try to help them find the best solutions, and now when I really need them, they all just don’t seem to give a crap about me! And I feel really hurt now, and it feels that no one really seems to care about me on most days. It’s like they don’t want to take time out of their busy day to help me, to make me feel cared for and understood, happy and loved. Does it make me a bad person that I want people to listen to my worries sometimes? Does it make me selfish and bad? I fell like it does. I feel selfish and disgusted with myself! And I need someone to put me first, to listen to me and to help me feel better.”


And here’s an interesting and ironic paradox – when you take full responsibility for taking good care of yourself, and when, in doing so, you focus primarily on the magnificence and the personal touch with which God is taking care of you, inviting others to do the same for themselves, you literally become a “people magnet,” and you will find that you’re not ever alone. People will be clamoring to be around you, seeing the effects of good care. In fact, you will more frequently have to struggle to find solitude than company, in order to maintain that healthy self-care. If instead you insist that others take care of you, and you often insist on taking primary care of them, overlooking the essential role that God plays, you will find that there are few people coming around you and that things can get mighty lonely. Ideally, and most effectively, we are meant to be together, helping each other, through staying primarily focused on our very personal and essential relationship with Him. He is our vital oxygen supply on this “airplane trip called life,” and we must have our own oxygen supply secured before helping another with theirs, and when it’s readily available for all we can go about our business. When we make ourselves too important and needed, out of making ourselves primary and needy, things get very dicey and our tubes can get twisted in a knot.

It's Not About Me

“My ability to receive and give life and love expands in direct proportion to my understanding of, surrender to, and ability to be with the fact that life and love, my purpose and His truth, really aren't about or centered around me.”

-- Yours Truly


This came to me yesterday in a flash, and I jotted it down as quickly as it arrived, and then I noticed all the areas where it shows up in human life, this invitation to the awareness that things way bigger than my pleasure or even my survival are going on, and that I am not at the epicenter of every movement or event, not by any stretch of overactive imagination. Firstly, in my relationship with myself and God, as indicated in the following two items:


“The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your own peace of mind, or even your own happiness. It's far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions. If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God. You were born by His purpose and for His purpose you live.”

-- Rick Warren, simply reflecting the Son

“As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. ‘Good teacher,’ he asked, ‘what must I do to inherit eternal life?’ ‘Why do you call me good?’ Jesus answered. ‘No one is good—except God alone.’”

-- Jesus to the rich young ruler in Mark 10:17-19


And then I noticed it in my relationship with my wife, where I don’t need anything from her in order to see her and love her for who she is. She is more than something I want or someone I want to behave a certain way to make my life better. She is all His, an amazing stroke of pure genius on His part, and I get the privilege to watch Him have His way with her:


“When I say, ‘I love you,’ it's not because I want you for myself or because I am trying to get something from you, all the while thinking I can't have you. In fact, it has nothing to do with me at all. I love who you are, what you do, how you be in the world and how you strive to be. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You are one hell of a woman.”

-- Joss Whedon - Screenwriter, Producer, and Creator of the recent TV Show
“Buffy and the Vampire Slayer” – in a scene where Spike says this to Buffy


And then I saw it in my parenthood, where clearly my children are not mine to stress over and "present" to the world, not just a reflection of my over-stressed parental performance anxiety, but instead are rare gifts to be treasured:


“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, they belong not to you.”

-- from Kahlil Gibran’s “On Children”


And then I remembered what friendship really is, and that it is not fixing or helping or clinging or coddling, but is purely loving and observing and waiting on Him, together:


“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing, and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

-- Henri Nouwen


And then I remembered what stewardship really is, remembering my days at Johnson & Johnson from 1978 – 1985, including these days while I was getting my MBA and taking Business Ethics when this story went down in late 1982:


“When terrorists laced Tylenol capsules with cyanide in the mid-1980s, the Johnson & Johnson CEO at the time, Jim Burke, understood that his company ‘Credo’ challenged him to always put the needs of customers first. Although J&J was not responsible for the poisoning problem, Burke nevertheless recalled every Tylenol product from the marketplace, risking the company’s financial health to do what Robert Wood Johnson’s vision insisted upon.”

-- William George


And finally, here: let’s step back a moment to gain some startling clarity about and perspective on how big we really are:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YL4cFjmnQT8&feature=related


And then it all sunk in – after all of the above took shape - that He is the amazing Creator of all of it, and He loves me - deeply, personally, and intimately - and that His love for me is not diminished in the least by the fact that He loves every little thing He created, because He is certainly BIG enough for that, and He invites me to actively and enthusiastically participate in HIS BIGNESS (an integrated right brain activity focused on “Oneness” with all that is) vs. wallowing and staying stuck in my smallness (being left only to ruminate and worry about the “needs of my separate identity” in my left brain).


P.S. Being “stuck” in my left brain looks something like this



And then, after completing the above words, this showed up, in perfect harmony, directed by and reflected from Him:


“What might happen if we simply accepted our place as Son reflectors? Such a shift comes so stubbornly, however. We’ve been demanding our way and stamping our feet since infancy. Aren’t we all born with a default drive set on self-centeredness? I want a spouse who makes me happy and coworkers who always ask my opinion. I want weather that suits me and traffic that helps me and a government that serves me. It is all about me. We relate to the advertisement that headlined, ‘For the man who thinks the world revolves around him.’ A prominent actress justified her appearance in a porn magazine by saying, ‘I wanted to express myself.’

Self-promotion. Self-preservation. Self-centeredness. It’s all about me! They all told us it was, didn’t they? Weren’t we urged to look out for number one? To find our place in the sun? To make a name for ourselves? We thought self-celebration would make us really happy… But how is that working for you? What chaos this philosophy creates. What if a symphony followed such an approach? Can you imagine an orchestra with an ‘It’s all about me’ outlook? Each artist clamoring for self-expression. Tubas blasting nonstop. Percussionists pounding to get attention. The cellist shoving the flutist out of the center-stage chair. The trumpeter standing atop the conductor’s stool tooting his horn. Sheet music disregarded. Conductor ignored. What do you have but an endless tune-up session leading to disaster! Harmony? Hardly. Happiness? Are the musicians happy to be in the group? Not at all. Who enjoys contributing to a cacophony? You don’t. We don’t. We were not made to live this way. But aren’t we guilty of choosing and doing just that?

No wonder our homes are so noisy, businesses so stress-filled, government so cutthroat, and harmony so rare. If you think it’s all about you, and I think it’s all about me, we have no hope for a melody. We’ve chased so many skinny rabbits that we’ve missed the fat one: the God-centered life. What would happen if we took our places and played our parts, trusting the Conductor? If we played the music the Maestro gave us to play? If we made His song our highest priority? Would we see a change in families and relationships. We’d certainly hear a change. Less ‘Here is what I want!’ More ‘What might God be wanting here?’ Knowing that THAT is the way great music occurs.”

-- Max Lucado, in It’s Not About Me


The opposite of the Twelve Step “Ego Prayer” that goes something like this, and is deadly:

Thank You, God, for pulling me out of the swamp of my addiction and restoring me to my self-sufficiency; I got it from here.

is this one, we'll call it the “Spirit’s Prayer” that goes like this, and is life-giving:

Thank You, God, for rescuing me from the pursuit of the life I thought I wanted, that I thought would make me happy. I am so glad that You know better what grows and nourishes and protects me; it’s all Yours from here.