Spirit-filled life and walk

"He who is filled with love to the overflowing is filled with God Himself, and miracles abound in his path."

-- St. Augustine

"Spirit-filled souls are ablaze for God. They love with a love that glows. They serve with a faith that kindles. They serve with a devotion that consumes. They rejoice with a joy that radiates and connects. Love is perfected in this fierce fire of God."

-- Samuel Chadwick

"The Spirit-filled life is not a special, deluxe edition of Christianity. It is part and parcel of the total plan of God for all of His people. There is nothing about the Holy Spirit that is queer or strange or eerie, even thought it leaves a trail of miracles and mystery and too many beautiful stories to count or recall."

-- A.W. Tozer

This was my day yesterday - sheer delight and too many miraculous events to recount, bursting with love and His Spirit all over the place - in fact, a heart consumed with love - divine appointments popping up everywhere, no real need to make anything happen, barely able to keep up with God's hilarious handiwork. To think this life is truly possible for all, to Know it in my bones, to walk into a new world arm in arm with a growing throng, to clearly see the dying off of the old world of chaos, competition, fear, and such paralyzing guardedness, and be part of its final conflagration - one conversation at a time, one heart at a time, one marriage at a time, one family at a time, in such intimate embrace. What an outrageous life this is! Thank You, God, for the most amazing ride ever!

Giving through my daily death

In case you think I'm complaining about my woes, or absolutely need them fixed, I offer a perspective that I cherish. What I am doing is crying out my needs amidst my poverty, and amidst my thankfulness, willing to die, beckoning Him.

"The deaths of those whom we love and who love us open up the possibility of a new, more radical communion, a new intimacy, a new belonging to each other. If love is, indeed, stronger than death, then death has the potential to deepen and strengthen the bonds of love. It was only after Jesus had suffered and left his disciples that they were able to more fully grasp who he really was and what he was really saying and what he truly meant to them. But isn't that true for all who die in love? It is only when we have died (including to our drama-based selves in life) that our spirits can completely reveal themselves to each other."

-- Henri Nouwen, in Life of the Beloved

I so see and love you, Dad, and I see and love you, Jesus, and now I offer myself up to my community to be seen.


Our Poverty, God's Dwelling Place (Henri Nouwen Society - August 18th)

How can we embrace poverty as a way to God when everyone around us wants to become rich? Poverty has many forms. We have to ask ourselves: "What is my poverty?" Is it lack of money, lack of emotional stability, lack of a loving partner, lack of security, lack of safety, lack of self-confidence? Each human being has a place or several places of poverty. That's the place where God wants to dwell! "How blessed are the poor," Jesus says (Matthew 5:3). This means that our blessing is hidden in our poverty. We are so inclined to cover up our poverty and ignore it that we often miss the opportunity to discover God, who dwells in it. Let's dare to see our poverty as the land where our treasure is hidden.


Meeting God in the Poor (Henri Nouwen Society - August 19th)

When we are not afraid to confess our own pain and poverty, we will be able to be with other people in theirs. The Christ who lives in our own poverty recognizes the Christ who lives in other people's. Just as we are inclined to ignore or try to fix our own poverty and suffering, we are inclined to ignore or try to fix others'. We prefer not to really see people who are destitute, we do not like to look at or be with people who are deformed or disabled, we avoid talking about people's worst pains and sorrows, we stay away from others' brokenness, helplessness, and neediness, because it really terrifies us. But by this avoidance we might actually lose touch with the people through whom God is manifested to us. But when we have discovered God right in the midst of our own poverty (and don't give ourselves away trying to fix it), we will lose our fear of the poor and hurting and go to them to meet God, welcoming Him in for the benefit of both.


By the way, I once had a woman at a geneology desk in Harrods London tell me that the "Spivey" name, in Scottish, means "crippled and deformed man." Hmmm...

In my unsatisfied longing and unmet needs is where my greatest treasure lies hidden (that being Him), and this is usually the place I least want to go in my fear- and scarcity-based head. But when I die to myself in loving another beyond my perceived capacity, sharing myself beyond what is reasonable or can possibly look good, connecting in anguish with another's soul, and then letting go of any ability or need to save them or be saved, there He is, waiting for us.

Hmmm... "I see, God," because this is where "I see God."



Off for my morning communion, seeing Him in everything,
from bogs to frogs, balloons to raccoons, bars to cars to
stars, bats and birds swooping to my dog pooping ...



God, my day yesterday was such an extraordinary gift, and I was in it fully and completely, fully present to You and to others, and I feel so alive, like never before, and it came through my willingness to enter myself and travel through my own dank, dark, and dusty depths. Thank You for taking me by the hand and walking me there, even when I was kicking and screaming. Thank You for showing me You at the very ends and in the deepest innards of me. Thank You for patiently teaching me how to visit You there often and on my own, with less prompting every day. Thank You for the amazingly beautiful people who populate this incredible life. They are so captivatingly beautiful I just sit here and cry with joy.

Co-creating my life

"The dance of life and living is not only (or so much) about learning about, finding, or changing/improving yourself, but about co-creating yourself as you already are (who He already made), which happens naturally at the very bottom of yourself (the self you made as a response to your earliest experiences) when you are willing to venture there."

-- Darina Stoyanova

"Men who cannot conceive (co-create with God) a happiness and fulfillment of their own making (fully surrendered to Him) will grudgingly accept and live out a definition of themselves imposed upon them by others, while resenting those same others for their oppression."

-- Earl Shorris, in Scenes from Corporate Life

"God can turn water into wine, but he can’t turn your whine into anything; you must cooperate in being thankfully ready and passionately willing to receive your full entitlement as His child - that is your fullest co-creativity."

-- Unknown

I'm "feeling" a little lonely right now, and a lot broke, as things in my life, home, and cars break down and people seem to be cancelling or blowing off their appointments with me right and left, and contributions are drying up once again. This is so damn hard. I am so not used to feeling so invisible. It goes against my life's overcompensating nature. It seems to be a quarterly phenomenon over the last year. I feel I am being so painfully driven deep down into the depths of myself.

And deep down, I really know the truth about this. It is not a reflection of my value at all, for I am precious to Him. In fact, people's choices about meeting with me have nothing to do with me at all. People have their lives and live them the way they live them and do what they do. He told me to relax about it and not chase after it. He will bring it to me when it's time, and I know what there is for me to do when He does. And with this stand, while being thankfully ready and passionately willing for His every call and nod my way, I will show up with absolutely all of me, dancing with delight, as my True Liberator shows me to myself and invites me to revel in what I see and then let go of it, relying only on what He sees and wishes to express, no matter what appears to be happening on the outside, or what it feels like on the inside.

I am committed to letting Him turn my "water (as fully surrendered blood, sweat, and tears) into wine," rather than me trying to turn my "whine (as fear-based scarcity thinking and manipulation) into a uselessly false sense of worldly security."

Thank You, Father, for the extraordinary opportunity to follow, heal, and serve with my suffering. I trust You, and You have never failed to deliver on that trust, from the first day you swooped in and saved my life and started giving me instructions that made no sense at all. You said that if I wanted a life beyond my wildest dreams, I simply had to give it ALL to you. I have learned that you were freeing me from my very human and intellectual oppression, compassionately and gracefully helping me learn to simply follow instructions without hesitation or question, for my own ultimate benefit.

It's all Yours, Boss!, once again. My commitment to You is to learn how to sink to the depths of myself continuously, so that I can always and in every way "Bee Dazzled" by You! :-)



For some reason, maybe it's the recurrence of my Dad's birthday
(he would have been 78, I think), this photo just reduces me to tears.
He, too, was not meant to fly, and man, did he soar on his way out,
and God, did he pollenate his world, and I am the fruit of that.

Today is also my sister, Nancy's, 52nd birthday. Happy Birthday, Sis!

Authenticity

Well, here's what's real, folks. The wedding experience in Austin this weekend was a grueling, yet captivatingly beautiful series of events, in that they confronted me at every level of my being (I even had to wear a robe and sash during the ceremony, which made me feel regally ridiculous), and I confronted it right back, right up to my total surrender, with everything I am and believe, and it was exhausting, exhilarating, and so powerfully transformative. I felt God step right into my heart through people and events to both change and renew me, affirm and obliterate me, lift up and then level me, and I so get how loved by and in love with God and the life He gave me I am. I am humbled and transfixed.

As for the happy couple, I have heard from them that they remain in a sense of total awe and wonder, which is absolutely wonderful, since they brought it all together, and oh, what they brought together, in more than just the amazing ceremony, but in life and community, and I am so thankful. This weekend truly rocked my world and leaves me exhausted and speechless. To my new friends, I say hello and welcome. To my so many old friends, I say here comes another iteration of my very human and spiritual development. Please don't ever think you really know me, but please continue to explore and discover me, as I uncover deeper and deeper levels of myself. I'm learning that I am quite a deep, complex character, and the trip inside myself is quite a wild and wonder-filled ride.

Since writing the above, great tumult and turmoil has arisen in the community in the hearts of couples and families, and I have a deep sense that peace is right on the other side of the most raw and real, and for some that can be a very scary proposition. I've been well-prepared by this weekend, and it promises to be a marvelous, miraculous week in the world of surrender to total authenticity and surrender to calling, I can feel it down to my bones.

"Jim, thank you for teaching me that it is what is real (vs. what is apparent) that is most alive with possibility and therefore beauty."

-- Thomas Sitton, at the rehearsal dinner for his wedding

"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love, and to act and be much greater than our suffering."

-- Ben Okri

"An authentic life, fully expressed in each moment, is the most personal and powerful form of worship. Everyday life, lived in thankful praise, has become my highest and most preferred form of prayer."

-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

"In short, we cannot grow, we cannot achieve adventure and authentic discovery, and our eyes cannot be cleansed to the truly beautiful and unlimited possibilities of life, if we simply live a neutral, non-confrontational existence."

-- Armstrong Williams



And only when you can be fully aware of yourself, and fully real in that awareness, can you truly see the outer limits of yourself and break down those artificial walls, beyond the borders of which He swoops in to tell the whole Truth, and invites you to invite Him to run everything, after which you become infinitely more than flesh and bones and brain. Delightfully you realize that Him running everything resolves everything, and all at once, and somehow, quite mysteriously, there is this beautiful music rushing out of you and everyone who joins you in that space.

"First you learn (through disciplined attention and practice) the hell out of your instrument (in this case and reference, the self of which we speak above), then you forget all that crazy shit and just wail."

-- Miles Davis, when asked how he learned to play such inspired jazz



Learn and wail, learn and wail ...
vs. churn and flail, spurn and fail.

While I'm off to Austin to participate in a wedding ...

There are many ways to get and be married - one way is as an act of mutual convenience, one way is focused primarily on meeting everyone else's expectations, one way is out of naive fantasy, one way is out of short-lived but hotly shared lust and passion (but these ways don't tend to be self-sustaining, and they usually don't last very long, especially as life's journey intensifies, because they are built on a faulty paradigm) - and then there is THE way that was designed for our longest-term fulfillment and greatest joy, and that requires the greatest levels of commitment and faith. I wish this way, His Way, for the couple I will be with over this weekend. Clearly this message isn't about fantasy and romance, which is nice, but about real life, which is the real goal, and it's about the bigger bliss designed to be experienced at the finish line (as well as along the way to it) as opposed to the fleeting and circumstantial happiness that is so desperately sought after at the starting line.

“A couple who are committed to following the example of Jesus must know what a marriage relationship really is in that context and what it involves in order for it to be rich and fulfilling over the long haul. It is a life-long union with a divine purpose, involving a lot of deep inner work and impossible levels of surrendering to letting God cultivate, shape, and sustain it. There is no testing phase or trial period where they are married for a while with the understanding that if things don't work out - that if they're not pleased or satisfied with their partner - then they can divorce. From the beginning, divorce is not an option, and competing over 'being right' is not an option; it's only about ongoing death and resurrection, for the growth of each and both.

A couple should also understand that this kind of marriage is not to be based on superficial things such as looks, sex, the desire for comfort, fun, and pleasure, or even the desire for children and family, although those are nice things. Marriage is a union entered into because the two are being obedient to God and their own hearts, committed to each other for the rest of their lives, regardless of how fun the other is or circumstances are, how frequent and good the sex is, how good the spouse looks or how much money and cool stuff they bring into the relationship, how many children are produced and how successful they are (and how well they reflect on their parents), or how convenient and pleasant it all is. Marriage is entered into because the two are deeply committed to God and each other with a relentless desire to fulfill the God-given purpose of their union, … and that's it.

And the wedding is simply the next step in the young relationship – certainly important, and meant to be breathtakingly beautiful, but, in the grand scheme of things, no big deal, really. It simply signifies that the relationship has grown more real and intimate and the two have grown in their commitment to form one unit. They spend a lot of time together and share a lot of things. Their life is part of each other's. And they know a God-given mission lies ahead that requires their total commitment to Him, it, and each other. And their sense of devotion to this shared purpose is what beautifies and sanctifies their union for all time, and relatively effortlessly, not any hard work they had to do to try to appease, cajole, manage, please, or satisfy the other or surrounding others.”

-- William R. Cunningham

Self-crucifixion

"The greatness of a man's power is the full measure of his surrender of self."

-- William Booth

"All followers of Jesus lead a dying life (vs. a living death); it is the secret of their strange and relentless vitality."

-- John Cordelier

"When you put your life and your judgments of others on the alter, when you make ready and accept to die, you are invincible. You have no more enemies and nothing more to lose."

-- Josif Ton

"Although you may spend your life killing them off one by one - you will never exhaust all your foes. But if you quell your own anger, hate, self-centeredness, and self-contempt, your real enemy will finally be slain."

-- Siddha Nagarjuna

We are our own worst enemies - not as children, but as struggling, immature adults. When we finally realize that, and lay the so many ways that is true down in front of Him for Him to handle, asking Him and Him alone to heal the ways in which we were mistreated or misunderstood in our earlier lives, we are finally free to truly live a life of freedom, passion, and purpose.

You're and He's the only ones who know ... Happy Birthday, Anne!

"You're the only one who knows when you're using people, places, or things to protect yourself and keep your ego intact and when you're opening up and letting things totally fall apart, letting the world be as it is, loving people as they are - working with and through it all rather than struggling against it. You're the only one who knows the truth about that."

-- Pema Chodron

"If your everyday practice is open to all your emotions, to all the people you meet, to all the situations you encounter, without closing down, trusting that you can do that - then that will take you are far as you can go. And then you'll understand all the teachings that anyone has ever taught. When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it's truly bottomless, that it doesn't have any final resolution, that the heart is huge, vast, and limitless, and that is the resolution. You begin to discover how much warmth and gentleness is there, as well as how much peaceful, creative space."

-- Pema Chodron

"There's a common misunderstanding among all the human beings who have ever been born on the earth that the best way to live is to try to avoid pain and just try to get comfortable. A much more interesting, kind, adventurous, and joyful approach to life is to begin to develop our curiosity, not caring whether the object of our inquisitiveness is bitter or sweet. To lead a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our own terms, to lead a more passionate, full, and delightful life than that, we must realize that we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is, how we tick and how our world ticks, how the whole thing just is."

-- Pema Chodron

Trusting in the Fruits (Henri Nouwen Society)

We belong to a generation that wants to see the results of our work. We want to be productive and see with our own eyes what we have made. But that is not the way of God's Kingdom. Often our loving witness for God does not lead to tangible results that we can instantly see. Jesus himself died as a failure on a cross. There was no success there to be proud of. Still, the fruitfulness of Jesus' life is beyond any human measure. As faithful witnesses of Jesus' love we have to trust that our lives too will be fruitful, even if we cannot see their fruit for a while. The fruit of our lives may be visible only to those who live after us. What is important is how well and completely we love, in spire of circumstances. God will make our sacrificial love fruitful, whether we get to see that fruitfulness in the short term or not. And only He and we know how faithful and true we have been.



Today is Anne's birthday, and I really love my wife, and no, we don't have it easy at all, and no, we're not getting it right by any means, but I can honestly say that we are totally committed to "leading a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our own terms, to leading a more passionate, full, and delightful life than that, realizing that we can endure a lot of pain and difficulty for the sake of finding out who we really are and what this world really is, how we tick and how our world ticks around us, how the whole thing just is."

We are students of "what is," accepting life on its terms, instead of trying to force fit ours on it (been there, done that, with ridiculously destructive results), seeking out its hidden pleasures and treasures in the quiet, small things and the selfless, simple acts of service (whether in the adult world of business and church for me or our children's world of education for Anne), rather than just accepting the world's seductions or creating our own self-indulgences as an escape, and man, do I know how to escape. We believe there will be fruitfulness, and yet it is hard to see sometimes. But one place to see it every day is in the extraordinary honor, respect, and trust with which we treat each other in the chosen hardship, which is one of my life's greatest joys. Happy Birthday, Partner! I adore you and totally honor you today! Thank you for accompanying me on this challenging journey, and staying. In the midst of life's impossible crap and total tumultuous unworkability, you are my fair and stunningly beautiful queen, and long live the queen.

From blind, unconscious suffering to choice, which might include some suffering, but with choice

"I have moved from the agony of questions I cannot answer to the agony of answers I cannot escape."

-- journal entry in the diary of Horace Bushnell

For example:

previous question I couldn't answer: Where are you, God?

current answer I cannot escape: Oh, there You are, and You want me to do what!!!

previous question I couldn't answer: How much more suffering can I take?

current answer I cannot escape: I choose my own experience of everything, including my suffering.

previous question I couldn't answer: How could you do that to me or treat me that way?

current answer I cannot escape: I create the "you" that I experience.

previous question I couldn't answer: Why can't they see how valuable I am?

current answer I cannot escape: I see how much I value the me God made in my perception of others' response to me.

question I was asking myself just yesterday: God, what are you trying to tell me with this crazy, more than trying day.

current answer I cannot escape: Get over yourself, Jim, now you know how 95% of the world's population feels every day.



This 1991 book by Pema Chodron is about saying yes to life, about making friends with ourselves and our world, about accepting the delightful and often painful situation of "no exit allowed." It exhorts us to "wake up" wholeheartedly to everything and to use the abundant, richly textured fabric of sometimes difficult everyday life as our primary spiritual teacher and guide.