What I learned from life coaching - and the impact it has had on my spiritual journey and my role as a "wounded healer"

I don't call myself a Life Coach anymore. Haven't for a while. That experience lasted about 6 years in total. But I learned a great deal from the experience. It is a beautiful distinction and role. One thing I learned is what it really means to "help" someone, and how important it is that I am an integral part of what's being "helped," in God's way.

“I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite.”

-- Gilbert K. Chesterton

"Chesterton’s words are worth remembering the next time the phrase 'here’s what you should do' begins a path across your lips. Although usually given with the best intentions, advice always reflects the needs, experiences, and now science tells us, the thought process, of the giver. More often than not, the needs of giver and receiver don’t match, creating frustration all around. Counter-intuitive though it may sound, resisting the urge to give advice to colleagues (and to seek it when you’re feeling uncertain) can actually improve effectiveness and productivity. Some well-chosen questions, directed along the lines of finding a solution, can inspire creative insights that the logical analysis of a problem can’t. Sound simplistic? Socratic-like questioning has long been used to help people think outside the box. Now, new research into brain functioning is validating the efficacy of guiding people to find their own solutions.

Scientists have discovered that every person’s brain processes information in a unique way, so the connections that yours makes to solve a problem will be completely different from those of another person wrestling with the same dilemma. In addition, when the mind is focused on reaching a desired outcome, the brain connects data in a brand new way, which creates those magical 'aha!' moments. One practical way to apply these principles is to ask people very open-ended questions (ones that can’t be answered with a simple 'yes' or a 'no') instead of explaining how you would address an issue. This approach might occasionally aggravate or annoy the other person, who sometimes just wants to be 'given the quick answer,' but it would also be robbing them of their own powerful learning experience (that they always state they would prefer to have once they have had the experience) just to get your own fleeting ego high."

-- Barbara Bissonnette

"The ability to really connect with people and to help them make lasting, positive changes in their lives is a very special gift and blessing for a person to have and share. ... Good life coaches and spiritual guides have this very special ability, and it is therefore no wonder that people are naturally attracted to them. A good coach or guide must demonstrate resourcefulness and must help people to see that if they think they have failed in the past, or are failures in the present, this bears no bearing to what they can be or do in the future. ... Listening skills, and resisting the urge to give advice are key attributes and methods of successful coaching, and central to truly helping people find their own direction and solutions. Listening is the single most important ability and behavior of a coach - to what's said and, more importantly, to what's not said but is struggling to get out. This takes humility, patience, tolerance, and much practice and experience, especially in order to develop truly empathic listening techniques.

Communicating fully and expertly is another quality that most good coaches possess. Many draw on the techniques and principles of neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) to assimilate and master these important communicating capabilities. Understanding the client's needs, from an extensive amount of relevant life experience, is also pivotal to the coach-client relationship, and a prerequisite for avoiding difficulties in the relationship and the coaching support process. It is essential that coaches 'coach' and not give advice. There's a huge difference between coaching and advising: Coaching is centered around the client, whereas advising tends to be based on the beliefs, values, and opinions of the advisor. In this respect, a coach is most certainly not an advisor. The fundamental principle behind coaching and the coach's role is to help the other person find their own solutions, rather than have them simply follow an advisor's recommendations or suggestions.

A coach's ability to build rapport with people is vital. In fact, rapport building is far easier in coaching compared to other services, because the coach's only focus is the client. When a coach supports a person in this way it quite naturally accellerates the rapport-building process. Normally, such an ability stems from a deep desire to help people (as well as to learn about and heal and help oneself) to live a better life. Coaches motivate and inspire people. The ability to do this lies within us all and is again born out of a desire to help, learn, and support. People who feel ready to help others are naturally able to motivate and inspire. When someone receives attention and personal investment from a coach towards their well-being and development, such as happens in the coaching relationship, this in itself is very motivational and inspirational."

-- Luis S.R. Vas

And then I get this beautiful affirmation from a friend below (check out her blog link), without having spoken of any of the above as background information (there was no point, given the topic of inquiry), validating the direction of my calling:

Jim:

Thanks you for your ability to see right through me and not go running the other way!
cussing and praying: six easy steps (to jesus) :)

Shellee

Perfection!

And speaking of perfection, please take a moment to wish a very Happy Birthday in your heart to my oldest son, Jim, who turns 29 today. I respect, love, and appreciate who he is so much. He has taught me so many things. And he is so clearly a RUNNER!

Shifting the context behind mistakes

"Our worst blunders come mostly from letting our fears, selfish desires, and petty cravings (vs. our commitments) dictate our thoughts, words, and actions."

"Mistakes fail in their mission of helping you when you first begin to blame them on somebody else."

"From learning about the mistakes of others a wise man corrects, if not avoids, his own."

"Truth will sooner come out of gross error in attempting than from total inaction."

"If you want everything to change at once, simply stop and turn around."

In AA, I once heard Sandy B. say that there is always only one problem, ever, and that is a "conscious disconnection from God." Driking is not even the problem in AA. In fact, it is the doorway to the solution to the real problem - it is the one thing sufficient to make the problem identifiable and inescapable. And he went on to say that there is always only One Solution in life, that being a "conscious re-connection to God." Therefore, it makes perfect sense to say that when you become painfully aware of the gap in your life between your current "way of being" and "the Truth," you need not get depressed about the magnitude of that gap, or study the gap and your reasons for being there until your exhausted, because, after all, the mistakes were necessary to make the gap totally conscious. And the Solution need not be an arduous, torturous, death march.

It can simply be: (sorry, no photo here)

Sometimes you really do need to walk or run far, far away before youreally see and understand how far away you've really gotten, but thegood news is that you don't need to struggle and work your way "allthe way back" to solve the problem of "not enough sun (Son) on yourface"; you need only turn around. He is pursuing you, relentlessly; you don't need to work too hard (or worry at all) to chase or find Him.

What we want for our kids - freedom, not painlessness

Not to mix metaphors (what with yesterday's talking about "being a tree" and today's talking about "running among them" to find and stay in the light), but this excerpt from another "gift book" from a while back is too good not to share. The summary of its lesson - don't let concerns about others, confusion about yourself, darkness in the world, fear about consequences, pain from past attempts - not anything ' keep you from running to and living in the Light.

"'Now learn today's lesson well, children. For when I am no longer hear to teach you . . .' Leaning forward slightly, he reached into his shirt pocket and drew out a strand of nine diamonds, fondling them with his hands as if he were shuffling each gem carefully, 'make my lesson today, this . . . the lesson, the MASTER LESSON to tie all your other lessons from your father into one necklace. A necklace of DIAMONDS that the Lord God has filled with all the colors of the rainbow for your spirit eye to reflect itself within. Master this one lesson, children, and you master all the lessons. You master them all.'

He paused and shook his head, looking over at his wife, as if pondering a mystery known in secret between the two of them (this is true). Then he turned to us once more, gazing directly at us.

'For your mother and I do not care, nearly as much as you now believe, if you have the best grades in school. Or the best anything, as you move ahead in your lives. Did you all know we cared so little?'

Heads shook, NO DAD!

'Your mother and I do not care if you become ditch diggers or President of the United States.

Your mother and I do not care if you become famous or if you are largely unknown by others.

Your mother and I do not care if you become rich or if you are poor materially.

Your mother and I do not care whom you may choose as your friends.

We do not care if you are popular, or if you are unpopular.

We do not care where you choose to live.

We do not care which lifestyle you choose.

We do not care if other people laugh at you or if they applaud you.

We do not care how you make the choices you make.

We do not care about most of the things you may think are important to us as parents, or that YOU believe we care about.'

He flashed a smile at us as he looked up from the nine diamonds in his hands to his own necklace of nine diamonds from the hands of the Lord God.

'And most of all, we do not care if you please us. If you try to please us. If you do things to please us. If you act to please us. If you speak to please us. If you think that we care . . . that you PLEASE us. We do not care about this selfish idea, children. We simply don't care! And it's not what you THINK when I say that.'

'But mark my MASTER lesson, my sons and daughters, because there is something that we DO really care about. There is something that we care deeply about, so much in our CORE, that your mother and I would give up everything we have in life to teach even ONE of our children this ONE magical LESSON in LIVING LIFE FULLY.'

'We would give up our homes.'

'We would give up our cars.'

'We would give up our friends.'

'We would give up our jobs and the things that we love.'

'We would give up all these things, and so much more, for only ONE of you, just one child among our nine, to learn this lesson of lessons.

'Children,' as he stood, he had a full, authentic command of authority in his voice and every gesture, 'I want you to know what your mother and your father DO want for their children in this life. Children, your parents MOST desire for you to simply live in this life as naked as life makes us all . . . as alone as life keeps us all . . . as afraid as life holds us all. We ask in our most SACRED prayers, children, the prayers that mothers and fathers who worship their children as expressions of God pray at night, holding hands together, in our deepest care for this one idea. Yes, your mother knows full well, that before I die, what I WISH MOST for our children, is that I may see each one of, and IN all of you, that you have made in your life the choice to truly live . . . the single decision, the one true choice you will make between you and God. The core belief choice you make when you choose . . . to LIVE your LIFE in the SUN!''

I ask that you embrace your precious life and that you each choose to RUN (vs. getting totally frozen in fear of the past or partially paralyzed in indecisiveness about the future). I ask that you each hear the footfalls of your brothers and sisters in each moment. That none of you cling to a tree of safety even for a single moment in your life. That none of you live your life as a MAYBE. That none of our children would stop and sit and become FROZEN . . . not even one . . . And that you EACH . . . EACH ONE OF YOU,' and here he stood to his full height and gestured toward the last of the fading orange fireball in the sky, 'CHOSE to live your life in the fullest LIGHT.'

'That you live as you were born to live your lives, my children. For you were each born to be RUNNERS, running for the sunlight. Your mother and I have only seen you as RUNNERS . . . never anything but RUNNERS.'

'And we ask that when faced with all your choices in life . . . choices we can't make for you, or even stand beside you when you choose . . . that before all the great choices in your life, you will pause, and return in your mind to this magic grotto. And once again you will FEEL the tall, ancient wisdom of these primordial redwood forests, and you will be still, my children, and you will listen, first to the sounds of the forest, before you make your decisions. And that you will refuse to CHOOSE in life from the advice of the MAYBES or the advice of a spirit that lies FROZEN in these woods.'

'And that you CHOOSE to take ALL your advice - advice you apply when you CHOOSE your life and CHOOSE in your life - ONLY from FELLOW RUNNERS.'

'For they alone WILL UNDERSTAND YOU!'

'For they WILL BE YOUR BEST COMPANY.' And here, with great gestures to the heavens, he exclaimed,

'Now, RUN, my children, RUN.' And we did."

-- Bernhard Dohrmann, in an excerpt from the story "Let Them Be Runners," (referring to a memory of his father, from the collection of short stories entitled, Perfection "CAN" Be Had!)

After typing this all out, which was really a pleasure, to read it again, the following arrived as a special gift from my coaching buddy, Lloyd Thomas, and after reading it I realized it's the same thing, spoken in a psychological context:

FREEDOM FROM SUFFERING

By Lloyd J. Thomas, Ph.D.

Today's column is for anyone who has ever been hurt. Therefore, what follows is for every one of us. We have all been hurt. We have all experienced pain in one form or another.

Our hurt began in childhood. One of our most powerful attachments to our parents may be the memories of a painful childhood. We cling to these memories as a way of staying connected, attached to the suffering now created through such memory. For many reasons, we bring to mind our memories of childhood pain: to "get rid of them;" to justify our current suffering; to make sense of the unknown; to find an answer to the question "Why me?;" to blame someone else or anything other than ourselves; to justify our desire for hateful revenge; to punish the perceived cause of our pain; to fix that which we believe is broken; to learn from it; and the list of reasons for attending to our childhood pain could go on and on.

Unfortunately, we often use these reasons to define and direct the lifestyle we create today. They provide us with our reasons (or excuses) for living the way we do. Our thinking goes: "I hurt now because I was hurt as a child. Because I was hurt back then, something is still broken. If I can discover what hurt me then, I can fix the damage done and perhaps never be hurt again. If I can heal what happened (or didn't happen) to me when I was a child, I could make the pain I feel today go away." This kind of thinking keeps us involved with our pain, even enhances and perpetuates it. Believing such statements guides us toward creating a lifestyle of continued painful suffering.

Wayne Muller writes in his book, "The Legacy Of The Heart: The Spiritual Advantages Of A Painful Childhood:" "We live in a time when many of us identify ourselves in relation to the particular forms of misfortune we were given. We say that we were alcoholics, or adult children of alcoholics, or adult children of dysfunctional or chemically dependent or codependent families. We name ourselves through the events that happened to us." We come to believe that the pain we experienced was a mistake. Moreover, as a mistake, it can and should be corrected. Remember, that to which we give our attention becomes stronger...more powerful.

What if hurt, and the suffering resulting from pain, is simply another aspect of being alive? Just as is joy, wonder, hunger, delight and even ecstasy are elements of life, what if pain was not a mistake, not an injustice, not a punishment, not something to be questioned, figured out, fixed or someone's fault? What if the occurrence of pain and suffering is a natural part of being human and alive? What if, as Muller writes, hurt is "an exquisite opportunity to pay attention, to see even in this pain a place of grace, a moment of spiritual promise and healing."?

When we believe pain, as well as pleasure, to be an integral aspectof being alive, then the occurrence of pain focuses our attention on our inner experience. We learn how to develop a heightened awareness, increase our sensitivity, sharpen our insight, become more discerning of how things move and change in our environment. We learn to watch more closely, to listen more carefully, to be come more aware of the subtleties of living.

When we allow hurt to be a part of our experience of being alive, "We develop an exquisite ability to feel the feelings of others, and we become exceptionally mindful of every conflict, every flicker of hope or despair..." Muller goes on to write, "...family pain broke us open and set our hearts on a pilgrimage in search of love and belonging, safety and abundance, joy and peace that were missing from our childhood..." Pain "may in fact become a seed that gives birth to our spiritual healing and awakening."

Remember, healing from hurt is also a powerful, ongoing process of being alive. Healing is made easier by our own love of life. Perhaps, as Muller puts it, "Your life is not a problem to be solved but a gift to be opened." Open your gift of life, with all its pain, joy, suffering and delight, and you never have to fix or reconstruct yourself into someone else. Like the blooming flower, you simply open fully to life and lay claim to your wholeness as the highest form of Life. In addition, love is the healing fragrance of your natural state as a human being.

A theory about sustenance, with my life as the experiment

"The less independent a creature is, the easier it is for it to receive its sustenance. For example, a tree can not move, but it gets all its needs by staying in its spot. A fox can move about freely, but it has to hunt to get its food, and there never seems to be enough."

-- Unknown

So, I am officially "refusing to hunt" (at least in the form of pursuing career, fame, financial security, material wealth - basically everything I knew how to do so well - even though there never seemed quite enough - in the first two dozen years of my adult life ) and am simply "staying in my spot" (figuratively and spiritually speaking, going deeper and deeper into my "self" and where I've been "planted" and am now "rooted," from which place I meet Him and can see everyone and everything), and I can really relate to the tree, especially the bamboo tree, in that I have taken His good ol' sweet time to become deeply rooted in my own existence, as well as eagerly stretching for the sun (Son) now that I've broken the surface, recognizing my total dependence on both the soil (my life experience) and the sun (the Son who lights my path), which frees me to experience amazing interdependence (through the wind, water, and air) with all other living beings.

There is no independent movement involved here at all, however, which is very weird, to say the least, and yet I have been so very well taken care of in this space, even as I feel another tough test coming. At a time when I have become very dependent, both on Him and on you through Him (and, as a result, feel this amazingly great sense of interdependence, being an integral part of all that is), I am going to be "receiving less" for a while (in the financial sense, at least, from my fragile human condition's perspective), I know and can feel itand it starts on October, and it feels like a season in which I am to be pruned back again, and this is always a bit scary, but this is the grand experiment that is my life.

The Master Gardener knows me better than I know myself, so I trust Him and am ready to receive my sustenance while I focus all my energy on doing what He says (letting Him do with and for me what He will), which I know simply entails serving others with my life - speaking the truth gently, then letting it go - focusing more on living it than preaching it. In the end, I know for certain that it will not end up being "less" in any sense, but infinitely "more." But in the meantime, as I wrestle with my fears and guilt over my past compromises and greed, please pray for me that I can just see clearly - that I can SLOW DOWN in order to HOLD FAST to His simple instructions.

And just as I finished this writing, another synchronous message from Him popped into my e-mailbox through one of you (and thanks, Jerry):

"Thomas Merton, the Trappist monk and social activist, once said that as he grew older he came to understand that it is not grand ideas that change the world but simple gestures of love given to the people around you, and often to those you feel most at odds with. He said that in order to save the world you must serve the people God has put in your life. 'You gradually struggle less and less for a compelling idea,' Merton wrote, 'and more and more for very specific people. In the end, it is the (ego-crushing) reality of deep, personal relationship that saves everything.'"

-- Elizabeth Lesser, in Broken Open

Amen.

All I know, after several talks with Anne on the subject, is that I am going to be who He made me to be, no matter what, do what He asks me to do, no matter what, and the rest is not up to me, it's up to Him, and whatever we must go through, then so be it, because this is the only life I can live, that part has been made crystal clear.