The nature and resulting playout of our integrity violations and our life-defining stand

"When we violate our own personal integrity (by either "not being who we say we are" or "not doing what we said we'd do"), we figuratively load the gun of our critic (or abuser or nemesis or rival or victimizer), then curse him for having the audacity to fire it, and then jump right in front of the bullet to make sure we have only him to blame for our resulting wound."

-- Yours Truly

The set-up for an entire life as a victim is pretty straightforward. "Here, would you kill me, please?" It goes pretty much like that. Many, if not most, if not all of us have been hurt really badly in our upbringing or our young lives. It was real, and it really sucked. We deserve compassion and understanding and plenty of time and support to heal it. However long that takes is totally OK. But then the moment of truth comes - and it is a shining and defining moment - that moment when we can actually see and understand that the next "stand" for my life is wholly my responsibility, and the next thought, word, and action is truly my choice, and my integrity in standing solely in Him (the only safe place to stand) and my choice of life and love (the only worthwhile choice) will determine the course of the rest of my life, NOT "what happened to me." That is a moment of such breathtaking freedom and possibility that I simply wish it for every single human being on the planet, and I will breathe that hope alive relentlessly for everyone I know, even while they hate me for such radical, ridiculous hoping, like Red hated Andy Dufresne for hoping in "The Shawshank Redemption," when he said: "Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane." But the movie ended with Red whistling a different tune about Andy that went like this: "Andy Dufresne - who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side."

And one thing Andy learned in Shawshank, and it got him out the other side, sure as shit, was that NO ONE, not another living soul, EVER hurts us NEAR as much as WE hurt OURSELVES.

The nature of love's flow

"You so desperately want to be loved because you do not love; but the moment you simply choose love and then act on it, needing nothing in return, it is all finished; there is no more desire and longing for that which you don't have."

-- J. Krishnamurti

I have been hearing so many complaints lately, some subtle and manipulative (from the "love martyrs" out there), some hostile, profanity-laced screams, that this person or that is not loving me enough or right, as if that has anything to do with anything. It is so clear to me now that loving is not about receiving anything from another human being. Human beings are simply like the weather. They do the seemingly random things that weather does, and then we get to adjust posture and behavior based on what we want to accomplish. People are no different. To expect them to be "sunny, dry, and clear" all the time is totally ridiculous. Storms are frequent and often painfully unpredictable. And then they're gone, if we allow them to be, and then we clean up and carry on, enjoying the brilliant sunshine on the other side. Who we are, what we bring to life and to relationship, has nothing to do with other people. It has more to do with what we are willing and able to receive "from Him" in the moment and then let "flow through." Our frustration in our futile attempts to "force another's love" first (which never works) before we give it back is all self-inflicted. They cannot "source" it. We cannot "source" it. There is only one reliable Source. When we tap in, and then let it flow wherever it chooses to go, there's no need to "need" it from anyone ever again.

Usually when I am struggling, longing to feel loved and understood, needing more than I know how to even describe, I can just reach out to these two and love on them, and the undefinable desire and longing is history. The natural "fill-up" I seek does not come as much from them (although they are truly adorable and very loving most of the time), as it does from what I am willing to give to them, which is only available " from Him, and it is especially "stuck-busting" when I am claiming to be too busy, too irritable, too stressed out, or just too damn tired.

This is how God hugs me when I let Him (sorry, no photo here). Usually I am not so bright-eyed, innocent, and smiley. I'm working on that.

Defining the mission field

Mother Teresa (who woulda thunk it?), out of all the people I have ever come across in my life or throughout world history in my studies, really clarifies and distinguishes my ministry and mission with her amazing insights and perspective. I feel such a dramatic kinship with her and such startling synchronicity with almost her every experience. I love her bold commitment to her vision, her unquenchable spirit, and her pit-bull tenacity.

If you get a chance (and yes, that means you, G.E.), please watch the movie: http://www.excerptsofinri.com/mother-teresa.html

"The success of love is in the internal depth of loving we achieve - it is not in the external result of loving we produce. Of course, it is natural in love to want the best for another and to want specific results to prove it for ourselves, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have been or done."

-- Mother Teresa

"Being or feeling unwanted, unloved, uncared for, invisible, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty, than the person who has nothing to eat or drink."

-- Mother Teresa

"Let us more and more insist on raising funds of love, of kindness, of understanding, of peace. Money will come as needed if we seek first the Kingdom of God - the rest will be given as required."

-- Mother Teresa

"Our life of poverty and simplicity is as necessary as the work itself. Only in heaven will we see how much we owe to the poor and starving for helping us to love God better because of them."

-- Mother Teresa

This message is a natural extension of the one before it, where only when we are in touch with the true condition of the world, which we only really see, touch, and understand when we uncover the true condition of our own hearts, does God and Jesus literally "show up" in the desperate faces of those we reach out to be with and help, those in whom we see ourselves so painfully clearly. And what an honor and a privilege it is to be looking into the face of Jesus in so many tear-stained faces out there, all while He "suffers so divinely" for His precious creation.

And for those of you who are feeling it right now - "unwanted, unloved, uncared for, invisible, forgotten by everybody," and this so amazingly (but oh so truly) includes so many of you who feel that way while sitting on airplanes on business trips or lounging in big houses by the pool or in board rooms or in judge's chambers or in fancy courtrooms or in some exclusive vacation location or standing behind podiums or on pulpits in front of big crowds - please know that I hold you gently and loosely in my heart. I feel my arms wrapped around my whole world right now, weeping uncontrollably. And on the other side of that I feel a deep sigh, a warm smile, and ... total peace.

Protecting our loneliness - not a problem to be solved, but a condition to be cherished

Strap in for this one, because it's pretty intense, but yesterday was a pretty intense day, after all, so it is fitting:

"Therefore I would like to voice loudly and clearly what might seem unpopular and maybe even disturbing: a life of following Jesus does not take away our loneliness; it cherishes, protects, and sanctifies it as a most precious gift. Sometimes it seems as if we do everything possible to avoid the painful confrontation with our basic human loneliness, and thereby allow ourselves to be trapped by false gods promising quick relief, immediate pleasure, or total satisfaction. But perhaps the painful awareness of loneliness and despair is an invitation to transcend our personal limitations and look far beyond the boundaries of our human existence for answers. The awareness of loneliness might be a gift we must protect and guard, because our loneliness reveals to us an inner emptiness that can be destructive when misunderstood, but filled with great promise for him who can tolerate its bittersweet pain.

When we are impatient, when we want to give up our loneliness and try to overcome the separation and incompleteness we feel, too soon, we easily relate to our human world with devastating expectations. We ignore what we already know with a deep-seated, intuitive knowledge - that no love or friendship, no intimate embrace or tender kiss, no community, commune, or collective, no man, woman, or child will ever be able to satisfy our desire to be released from our lonely condition. This truth is so disconcerting and painful that we are more prone to play games with our fantasies than to face the truth of our existence. Thus we keep hoping that one day we will find the man who really understands our experiences, the woman who will bring peace and happiness to our restless life, the partner who will finally change themselves enough to 'get it right,' the job where we can feel perfectly valued and fulfill our potentials, the book which will explain everything, and the place where we can feel perfectly at home. Such false hope leads us to make exhausting demands and prepares us for bitterness and dangerous hostility when we start discovering that nobody, and nothing, can ever live up to our absolutistic expectations.

Many marriages are ruined because neither partner was ever able (or felt willing to try) to fulfill the often hidden hope that the other would take his or her loneliness away. And many celibates and disgruntled singles live with the naive dream that in the intimacy of marriage their loneliness will be taken away. When the minister lives with these false expectations and illusions he prevents himself from claiming his own loneliness as a source of human understanding, and is unable to offer any real service to the many who do not understand their own suffering."

-- Henri J.M. Nouwen, in The Wounded Healer

"When the soul embraces and accepts its darkest loneliness and suffering, the pain reveals itself as the birth pangs of a new inner being. The divine touches the soul in this place in order to renew it and to ripen it, in order to make it more divine. The 'Dark Night of the Soul,' that perilous time of great loneliness and despair, becomes the very doorway through which we are re-born into the life of the living, breathing, creative spirit of God, which is none other than our own true nature."

-- Carl Jung

There's nothing to be avoided, denied, fixed, managed, or medicated in our hurting, desperately lonely condition. There is only something very powerful to be fully acknowledged and understood, something totally combustible to be burned as fuel, something sweetly sacred to be honored as real and true, something important and useful to be responsibly utilized as direct access to the supernatural. God awaits us there in our darkest, most lonely places. Therefore, quite obviously, we need that place.

Everything we do to try to "fix" our condition or "protect" ourselves is the only "problem" we ever really have.

Everything else (the entirety of our circumstances) is just useful data, not a problem definition at all. The first and most important requirement in any problem-solving scenario is getting the "problem definition" completely right. Most of us spend our entire lives trying to solve the wrong problem, never realizing that the sentence in bold is it.

P.S. Yesterday would have been Michelle's 16th birthday, speaking of something sacred being honored as real and true - and this includes her life, her death, the impact of both on her family and friends, and her new life in an infinitely better place. I am totally committed to making Michelle's tragic death useful. She would like that.

Mind and then mine your thoughts.

"You are wherever your thoughts are.
Make sure your thoughts are
Where you want to be."

-- Rebbe Nachman of Breslov

We really do determine our experience of external reality by how and what we think about so many things - whether it's God, ourselves, family, other people, work, the world. If we expect to see and experience nothing but blood and gore, total mayhem and meanness, along with endless stupidity and suffering, we will certainly see and experience these things everywhere, because that's what we continue to prepare our mind's eye for (just like when we buy the new car, as we start to see it everywhere, don't we?). If we (totally buy and) expect to see and experience things of great beauty, opportunities for extraordinary creativity, divine order amidst the chaos, warm friendship and love, that's what will be there, everywhere we look.

If we expect to see a locked door, a prison cell, guards and a warden, there they will be. If everywhere we look we are looking for God to be leaving us a key (my favorite thing to think about and see), there it will be, the constant invitation to be free. If you can hope for it, imagine it, ruminate on it, you can actually start to see it. And if you can see it, you can take it - that ever-present key to heaven - ... and fly.

Another amazing example of synchronicity

On October 12th, 2006, during one of my morning walks, I was loving the experience, and loving and appreciating God, asking Him why I can't seem to stop talking and writing about it all so much, and I got this fascinating response:

"When you fully understand what you're trying to say, you won't have to say it as much. Isn't that cool? So, keep expressing it until you're done, or tired, or until you really 'get it.' Take as long as you need to, I don't mind. I thoroughly enjoy hearing you try to express and understand Me better. While pursuing Me in this way, life will always work better for you, and you will grow. And I really love you, too, by the way. And in case you ever wonder why I stay so quiet these days (at least until you ask questions worth answering, questions you are really ready to have answered), it's because I fully understand what I've done here, and why I did it, and what I am ready in an instant to give to you, and I've said all there is to say about that, and to say any more about it now would be an insulting interruption of its delivery process to you, as well as an obnoxious withholding of the full magnificence of the gift I created just for you, which is only possible for you to fully receive through your own amazed and amazing discovery, usually on the other side of great confusion and despair (when, at times, you might even hate or reject me), which only heightens and dramtically expands the joy of your discovery (which is worth both the hate and the wait). If you don't believe me, just hang on a little bit longer, you'll see what I mean."

And then while finishing the book, LETTERS by a Modern Mystic, by Frank Laubach, earlier this week, I bumped into this writing, in a letter written from son to father on February 25, 1931, and with a little imagination you will notice that it's the exact same question and response as the above:

"'Why is it, God, that You allow us to do nearly all the talking and doing down here? Why do we not always hear Your voice, see Your hand, since You are so much wiser and more capable than we are, and You could explain everything to us in an instant and fix it all in a heartbeat?'

Instantly back came the answer. I could see it, from beginning to end in a second, though it required more than a minute to write it down after my walk. So many of these thoughts from God are hurled at me in an instant, once I have slowed down my body and mind:

'When you are teaching the Moros to read, your art is to say as little as you can and leave them to say as much as they will. That is why I leave you to do and say as much as you can, while I say very little, except when you are ready to stop, be still, and really listen. You learn by doing and saying, even as you make mistakes and correct them. You are to be sons and daughters of God, and now you are taking the first feeble steps of an infant. Every step you take alone is infinitely more important tham you now imagine, because the thing I am preparing you for exceeds all your imagination. So the talking you do to me is not only important, but essential. Similarly, the talking others do to you, when they are trying to talk up to your expectations and teachings, is more important than the talks you give them. This is the best way to act: Talk a great deal to me, listening to what you are saying, and until you are tired, and then stop and listen even bigger, and you will experience great joy and peace in hearing and understanding my voice. Let others talk a great deal to you, appreciate everything they are saying, give them all the time they need to say it, and totally neglect their mistakes. They will learn through hearing themselves, and then they will be ready to listen, experiencing great joy and peace in hearing your voice, and they will see why you waited so patiently, because you both get to experience such joy in their awestruck discovery of who they really are to you.'"