Choose Life!

"Where your mind lives is where your life is headed. What you think about most often and most willingly, when you have nothing else you must be thinking about in order to survive, will define the direction of your life.

No matter what may be happening in the world outside of you, you have the power to choose your own thoughts. And the thoughts you choose determine your actions and have an enormous impact on everything, in ways indescribable.

When all is quiet, when the necessities of the day have been tended to, when your mind is free of any constraints, what kinds of thoughts do you think? The thoughts you have at such times, the thoughts you choose to think, are the thoughts that will show you who you are at this time of your life and will begin working to create the rest of your life.

Whatever may be going on in the outside world, your mind can live precisely where you choose for it to live. Choose to let it live in an empowering, life-affirming, rich, and creative place. Choosing the life you want begins with choosing the thoughts that will direct you to it. Those thoughts are yours to choose this very moment. Choose wisely. And when you don't - do whatever you have to do to clean things out and choose again."

-- Ralph Marston

I've had a real up-and-down week in this "thinking arena." I've gone from thinking of myself as old, tired, used up, and worthless (kind of like the Tommie Lee Jones character in "No Country for Old Men") to thoughts of blissful transcendence. I have two primary choices regarding how I feel and think about my life right now, and each will work to determine my future, while running its own course. The first is a fear-based set of feelings and thoughts that goes like this (I used to live and operate - while dying inside - primarily from this deep, dark place, unconsciously for the most part, covering it up with a fake smile on my face for the benefit of others):

- There is not enough for me and my family, and that makes me very afraid.
- I am not enough to be what they need or even to secure a manageable share
of what they need for them, and that makes me feel like a total failure and a loser.
- The life I've chosen is crazy, stupid, impractical, and totally irresponsible, and
nobody really cares about God and love anyway - so what am I smokin'?
- Given that all I've ever been good for is providing the money, I have set up a life
where I can't even get that right, so I will be left with nobody and nothing.

OK, so we know where that life leads - bitterness, desolation, exhaustion, failure, isolation, loneliness, misery.

And here is the love-based set of feelings and thoughts that I know so well and choose to feed and nurture today (I now die every day to my ego-self in order to live mostly from this peaceful place, while being willing to dig deep to openly struggle with my fears from time to time, when they get too dark, heavy, and thick to carry, and I need clean air and light to dissipate them, not caring what the crowd thinks while I do what I have to do for me):

- There is enough for everyone, and I deserve to have my share, for which I am very
grateful, and my family deserves what they need, and I enjoy actively participating in
securing it.
- I am enough for everyone that needs me as husband, father, son, brother, friend, and coach.
- The life I've chosen has chosen me, and I am bold and courageous in saying and living my
"Yes!" to it, and God is carrying both the ball and me, and we're having a wild ride together.
- I am learning a lot about my creativity, giftedness, and value as a human being, as well as
my total insignificance in the grand scheme of things, and how both realizations work so well
together to create a true life really worth living and loving relationships really worth having.

Today, as we head off on a Cub Scout camping trip as a family, I am committed to choosing thoughts of life and love, and of joyful relationships, and of the beauty and fun of the great outdoors. I won't be taking any writing or communications tools with me, so I'll be back to you on Monday rested and refreshed. Have a great weekend!

Selfish vs. self-responsible, self-centered vs. God-centered

"One of the last things any of us want to be called is 'selfish.' It has a very negative connotation in our society. We often end up doing things we don't want to do to avoid being considered or seen as selfish by others. In my counseling work with people, I often hear the questions, 'Aren't I being selfish if I take care of myself instead of take care of everyone else? Am I being selfish if I do what I want instead of what someone else wants me to do?'

The problem occurs because of an excessively broad, inaccurate, and/or skewed definition of 'selfish.'

To be more specific, we are being selfish when:

We 'expect' others to give themselves up for us.
We make others responsible for our feelings of pain and joy.
We get angry at others for doing what they want to do rather than doing what we want them to do.
We consistently make our own feelings, wants, needs, and desires most important without also considering others' feelings, wants, needs, and desires.
We believe we are entitled to special treatment, as if life and the world owed us something.

However, we are being self-responsible (vs. selfish) when:

We take care of our own feeling, wants, desires, and needs rather than 'expecting' others to take care of us.
We support others in doing what brings them joy, even when they are not doing what we want them to do.
We show caring toward others for the joy it gives us rather than out of fear, obligation, or guilt.
We have the courage to take loving action on our own behalf, even if someone gets angry with us. (For example, we go to bed early because we are tired, even if our partner gets angry at us for not watching a movie or TV show with him or her.)
We have the courage to speak our truth about what we will or will not do, and what we do or do not feel, rather than give ourselves up to avoid criticism, anger, or rejection.

Giving ourselves up to avoid being called selfish is not self-responsible - in fact, it is manipulative and dishonest. When we give ourselves up to avoid criticism or letting someone down, we are trying to control how others feel about us.

Taking loving care of ourselves, with no intent to harm another is self-responsible. Yet we are often called 'selfish' when we take care of ourselves in this way.

Therefore, it is important for each of us to define selfishness and self-responsibility for ourselves so that we are not dependent upon others' definition of it and us. When you become secure in knowing that you not only have the right, but the responsibility, to support your own joy and highest good - with no intent to harm another - then you will not be tempted to give yourself up when someone tells you that you are selfish for not doing what he or she wants you to do. When you are secure in knowing that your own intent is a loving one toward yourself and others, you do not have to manipulate others into defining you as caring by totally giving yourself up."

-- Dr. Margaret Paul, Ph.D., in Healing Your Aloneness

Now how about self-responsibility as it applies specifically to one's marriage, which is often the hardest place to be self-responsible, because we are so often seeking to be taken care of here? We often make this relationship a very disappointing god. We have great opportunity here to stop and re-claim ourselves, to re-establish God's role, and to re-focus our energy in choosing the "how we love our partner," vs. demanding (while expecting to fail) the "how we are to be saved by them."

Here goes, in honor of you, K. & T.. I love you both so much, and am so proud of you.

"The life each of us lives and the experiences we have determine how prepared we are for the vulnerability we experience. We have learned how to deal with the vulnerable experiences related to love, need, trust, and anger either by modeling our reactions on others' responses or by experimentation. We learned which defenses to use in particular situations, and we learned the role of self-responsibility in choosing how to survive or benefit from each.

Our relationship with one special person seems to create our most vulnerable experiences. How we approach this relationship determines how we feel about ourselves and how we feel about our loved one. We can either support or undermine this relationship. We can either grow together or we can destroy the love we have for one another. We have expectations of one another that we do not have of anyone else in our lives. When our loved one does not meet these expectations we react with anger and disappointment. They often react similarly and can become defensive.

How could we have prevented this outcome? Could it be that we were more focused on our own expectations of the other person than on our self-responsibility? How different could things have been had we acted in all of our own best interests by making our wants and needs clearly known in the very beginning? If we communicated responsibly, the other person would not have had to try to read our minds and would not, therefore, have been shocked by our angry response or silent treatment. Our behavior and actions negatively affected our loved one and our may have weakened the relationship.

With a self-responsible approach we do not find fault with our loved one or hold him/her responsible for an action or inaction that was ours alone to determine. Exercising self-responsibility is acting in our own best interest. We reduce anger and lessen relationship stress while we increase our pleasurable moments together. We allow for the reality that two people are often more different than they are alike. We owe it to ourselves and to our partner to take time out to examine our feelings, the intensity of these feelings, what it is that escalates them, and how we respond to them. In doing so we can identify how our defensive responses cause our loved one to feel vulnerable and defensive. Now we are no longer just focused on ourselves. We can identify the reasons for responses we make when we feel threatened, i.e. 'When I tell you I'm angry, you interrupt me, you correct me, you give me advice, you judge what I say and do, and you make me feel like a failure. I'll never share my feelings with you again.'

The above is an example of how we react. An experience such as this, especially when we recognize it, provides us with an opportunity to examine why we reacted that way. Necessary time, spent alone in self-exploration, will lead us to build a foundation of personal integrity based on self-knowledge, self-acceptance, and a sense of our own reality, not that of our loved one. We choose to eliminate game-playing from our lives and work at discovering a straightforward way to communicate. We resolve to stop requiring our loved one to jump through hoops while trying to figure out how to please us, meet our needs, or save us from our moods.

Above all we must each assume responsibility for reconciliation. We are at our most vulnerable when we are apologizing for hurting someone, but not doing so leaves the hurt unhealed and pushed down upon all the previous hurts. An apology means that we are admitting our mistakes, accepting that we were wrong, and risking our pride. What if that person does not accept our apology or accuses us of being inconsiderate, or worse, we have conceded the upper hand. Saying 'I'm sorry,' genuinely and sincerely, goes a long way toward fostering forgiveness and healing.

Remember that our lives are interlocked with those of our loved ones. We influence them, they influence us. Effective communication will keep alive the joy and excitement that makes us glad to be with this person. We feel exhilarated when our love is reciprocated, when we challenge each other to be our best, when we share in each other's joy and when we stimulate one another. Our belief in our ability to forgive and to be forgiven will generate greater fulfillment and happiness.

Choosing to attend to our relationships regularly will ensure their permanence. Repairing what we have damaged without expectations of reciprocity or acceptance, creates a supportive environment and indicates to the other person that we are being totally self-responsible. It also says that we are comfortable in being vulnerable when admitting our mistakes. If it is difficult for you to say 'I'm sorry,' do so aloud in front of a mirror while you are alone. When you feel more confident, say them to your partner. Without these words both you and your partner will have to work harder to reconnect. Without them, the connection will not be solid.

The true reward is in knowing that we have been loving, caring, supportive, honest as well as reliable partners. It has nothing to do with our loved one's reactions or responses. We can only control how we act or react, not how or what others do. Once we have had one positive experience at being a self-responsible person, we will feel more confident to try again. We have taken the first step. This was the hard one. The next one will be much easier."

-- Mary Carherine Fitzgerald, Ph.D., in an article entitled, "Vulnerability"
Dr. Fitzgerald is Director of Alcohol/Drug Studies, Loyola Marymount University.
She also is a co-dependency counselor for Life Change in Torrance, California.

I don't know about anyone else, but these two pieces of writing have really helped me return to myself, after having experienced a brief period of victimhood, weighed down by the sheer intensity and volume of "marriage work" that has been showing up lately, both in my own marriage and in my ministry, accompanied by heavy, oppressive statements of hopelessness. I realize fully, after reading the above several times over, and praying and listening, that I am totally enough in His eyes, and that He is more than enough for me, and that I have full access to Him always, and that everything else will take care of itself when I allow His love for me to come in unimpeded and flow out unimpeded. I get to direct the overflow, and I choose Anne as the first place to direct it, and then to my children, and from there all good direction and effect will unfold effortlessly and naturally, and my stand for self-responsibility in relationship will be a beacon of hope for others, without me having to "do" anything.

OK, if you still have any reading capacity left in you, I expect to drain it with this one, which came to me mysteriously after contemplating the distinction of "self-centeredness vs. God-centeredness," as the next and most natural conversation or question beyond the "selfish vs. self-responsible" one. This is in honor of my dear sister, P.M., who inspires me with her sharing of the inner wrestling between the "practical and artistic" inside her. It echoes a conversation we had just yesterday.

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"Parables and mythical stories have been with us throughout time. From the earliest of cave drawings to modern writing and film parables, as guides to human experience, have been a source of inspiration throughout history. They are teachers that guide us through challenges confronting us at different stages in our lives. Parables provide us with images and symbols that crystallize human experience into digestible pieces. As we are symbol-seeking creatures, parables serve to illustrate each lesson we are about to embark on. They inform, they guide, and they teach.

Periodically, in our collective human journey, we have major awakenings. Our history books inform us of this; all of our major disciplines are affected. A breakthrough in science often leads to a breakthrough in human awareness. For example, 'the sun does not revolve around the earth,' but, 'the earth revolves around the sun' struck down a core belief that could no longer be sustained by the facts. Earth-centeredness equaled self-centeredness during this period of our history and both were dealt a fatal blow. As a result, we humans became part of something larger than ourselves, a part of the whole universe if you will, rather than being the center of things. When we take a long view of our recorded history we see that such awakenings have occurred regularly and continue to this day.

With the information explosion of modern times we are likely on the threshold of another major awakening. The world becomes smaller as each of us gains access to new information sources via the Internet; and as the benefits from that expanding knowledge base continue to grow. One could argue that our collective consciousness is uniting as we abandon isolationism and move toward the growing awareness that we are indeed One.Within each period of history a symbol would emerge in the consciousness of man that described this process of evolution at the personal level. The symbol for today is the arising of the Self, well described by Carl Jung and the human potential movement of the late 60’s and early 70’s. From Self-actualization to Self-empowerment, the symbol of the Self announces a growing understanding that at the center of us lays a core, and this core is our Self out of which emerges creative expression of our truest nature.

The Self is not our Ego which has been our symbol of outward expression until this time. The ego has been an integral part of our human journey but is no longer its mainstay. As many Eastern philosophers point out, the ego is a stepping stone to this new threshold, the arising of the Self. This Self is our core which, as we shall see, connects us to the Divine. Remember, the ego wants to be a god unto itself, totally self-sufficient and isolated, lying at the root of all our addictions which take us away from our true Self.

This Self contains and expresses that which we are in our feelings and emotions. This feeling nature has been called Heart and refers to our strongest desires and passions. 'Follow your bliss' Joseph Campbell would suggest in answer to such questions as 'who am I?' and 'what is my purpose here on this earth?' The 'recovery movement' has linked this Self with 'the lost inner child.' Again, another description that places the Self as our feeling nature. I believe that this Self is the 'true' center of our human personality and when 'free' and 'actualized' connects us to our Soul, its spiritual counterpart, and to each other, and to God.Our Soul is our connection to the Spiritual and the very Source of our Being. Our Soul takes on human form for its Earthly experience and gives rise to the Self which is the spiritual in human form. Self and Soul are the flip sides of the same coin. On the one side we see our spiritual nature; on the other we see our essential human nature. Expressing the Divine through our human form brings God down to Earth and renders this physical experience 'Holy' (Heaven on Earth). Our parables, myths, and stories recount this journey where the hero or heroin always emerges vitally alive, unencumbered, and free.

The Self then, is brought forward and nurtured on the human plane of experience. Expressing this Self strengthens us in our human drama and leads us back to Soul. Self and Soul work dynamically together to maintain the bond between the human and the Divine. We see that we are Spiritual beings, first and foremost. And our humanness is but one expression of the Divine that seeks to enlarge Itself through the human journey, to once again assert why we are here – which is simply To Grow! (so as to re-connect with God)."

__________________________________________________________

Maurice Turmel, Ph.D., in an article entitled, "Self, Soul, and Parables"
Maurice was a practicing therapist for nearly 25 years, and is now an
Author, Speaker, and, most passionately, a Performing Songwriter,
all on the subject of Personal Growth and Creative Self-Expression.

Learning to love your critics

"Many highly intelligent, motivated people let their habitual emotional reactions get in the way of growing and learning. Even some of us who say we relish constructive criticism and feedback can have strong emotionally charged reactions when we receive negative feedback about our attitudes, behaviors, and/or style. It is easy to become defensive and shut out what others have to tell us, some of which might be very helpful. Hard truths about our personality and behavior often generate painful emotions that block the impetus for change. For example, normal ego responses to critical or negative feedback are: 1) ignoring it, 2) denying any possibility of it being true, and 3) blaming someone or something else for the situation we're in that seems to have generated it. We feel very vulnerable when confronted by possible flaws or shortcomings and, in that state, some of us are unable to take a constructive approach to identifying solutions that will make us more successful and satisfied. This may be especially true if the input or feedback you receive is surprising to you and you are taken aback."

-- Ronald A. Warren, Ph.D.

"Whatever course you decide upon, there are always just enough people out there to tell you that you are wrong, stupid, and foolish, if not totally crazy. And then there are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are actually right about all that. Thank God for these harsh critics and ugly circumstances, because they stoke your courage and help you find deeper levels of commitment, and to map out a course of action and follow it through to completion requires an abundance of both commitment and courage."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Dear to us are those who love us, but dearer still are those who question or reject us - those who consider us unacceptable, unlovable, or unworthy - for they add another dimension to our lives and another brick to our character; they build another possibility of heaven before us of which we had not dreamed before, and thereby inspire us to access new powers out of the deepest recesses of our hungry spirit."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"If you are not afraid of the voices inside you, and you can hear and acknowledge them without caving in to them or running away screaming, then you will not fear or be stopped by the critics outside you."

-- Natalie Goldberg

"Critics? I've learned to love every bone in their hard heads."

-- Eugene O'Neill

The more "out there" I get with my commitment to my life and my passion in my calling, the more feedback I can expect to get about that, and some of it is not very pretty. In addition to being very loved and admired by those who get to really know me well (and these people really feed me one essential aspect of what I need), I am also considered by many others to be an arrogant, crazy, long-winded, misguided, over-zealous, pontificating, self-absorbed, unrealistic windbag, and these people really are just as important to me. I am in a place in my life where very little feedback I get about me can surprise me anymore. I've really heard it all, and need it all. And I am learning to accept the full spectrum of reactions to me as benefits to me, rather than living a survival strategy of "creating mild acceptance" wherever I can or "not rocking the boat."

What I get to do about this input becomes a clean choice, not an emotional melodrama. For example, some of "the love" I receive can be measured and evaluated through the lens of "transient good feelings," based on "good performance," and I know not to take that stuff too seriously or weigh it too carefully. It is bound to change with the tides. And some of it is essential and invaluable in its relentlessness, under any conditions. And some of "the criticism" I receive can be measured and evaluated through the lens of having "hit a button," and I know not to take that too seriously or weigh it too carefully. It is bound to change with the tides, as well, maybe as quickly as when my hand or mouth leaves the button. And some of it is essential and invaluable in its quiet delivery and rock-solid trustworthiness. This stuff really helps me grow.

So, when hearing the hard stuff (and the good stuff, for that matter), consider the nature of its delivery and source. If it is delivered in an emotional, erratic, fiery way, by a person that does not really know you very well, chances are it is not real and lasting, and not worth taking personally or even too seriously. If it is quiet and consistent, like a river flowing, from a person who not only sticks with you but watches you carefully, after you have "made it safe" for that kind of input to be expressed (an art form in and of itself), chances are its worth weighing very carefully and valuing immensely - this is the gold standard of constructive criticism.There, the windbag has spoken.

Be very careful and responsible for how you treat profound wisdom.

"The downfall of all of mankinds' most brilliant spiritual teachings has been their gross misinterpretation and misunderstanding by people who aren't at the level of insight and wisdom of the teachings themselves; it being understandable that each level of human consciousness predefines its own limited capacity for accurate perception and comprehension. Until one has become more aware and enlightened oneself, or has partially experienced the higher states of consciousness available to man, or possibly has had an actual 'experience of the divine' through some extraordinary circumstantial phenomenon, all spiritual teachings remain hearsay and are thus prone to distortion and misunderstanding (this explains why scripture can be so passionately quoted and even 'used as a weapon' to justify just about any position imaginable). The 'self-righteous' are always especially dangerous because of their imbalanced perception and their consequent indifference to moral and spiritual violence, even with loved ones; anything seems justifiable to them as long as it accomplishes their own objective, that objective more often than not being to be or at least be seen as being good, right, and true in the eyes of others to whom they've given power."

-- David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D., in Power vs. Force; The Hidden Determinants of Human Behavior

The effective re-use of another's wisdom - if the genuine desire is to be consistent with its original essence, intention, and meaning, and whether it's being used to correct another person, make a point in an argument, or right some wrong, to bring about justice - is directly limited by the re-user's comprehension of it. And it is to be expected that the greater the wisdom, the less it is generally understood. And that is why the greatest wisdom is so often misapplied and misused, because it is so widely misunderstood.

Be very careful of your intentions when using the Bible or any other sacred text (or, better put, attempting to "re-use its wisdom) to support your own thoughts, feelings, prejudices, or purpose in any conversation with another person. You are so often set up to fail when you attempt to do this, because any time you are feeling the slightest bit elevated or superior in your intelligence and understanding of a given subject, vs. another person or group, you are already most likely making a mockery of both yourself and the sacred material you are choosing to utilize for your own shallow benefit, thereby totally trashing both of those very things you hold so dear. It is wise to hold both loosely - yourself and the material - and to pontificate sparingly about it, and to inquire deeply into the vast mystery of any great wisdom you "know about," until you've had actual and deeply personal "experience of" it, which tends to drop you to your knees in awe and humility, keeping you safe from your deluded ego-self.

This is why people who are relatively new in their experience and understanding of any great breakthrough awareness of truth are often quite "dangerous with it," because they "sought it" to heal a particularly painful wound in their life, and, having "glimpsed its power," they now have "discovered" what possibly could be perceived as the most powerfully effective tool or weapon they've ever had to unconsciously defend or protect that wound, even while the wisdom involved might be arguing for total defenselessness (based on the "truth" of the absence of any real wound to speak of). So, just be careful of the fallout of the fireworks as your awareness and consciousness expand.

I'm way too tired to write today ...

April Fool's!

Well, I am a little tired, really, and I think I'll accept the community's assistance today by forwarding three really cool things that were sent to me yesterday by some of you. They seemed synchronous, as a matter of fact, which is very cool. So, today's message is in honor of you and our amazing connection as an intentionally loving community. Have a great day being "just foolish enough" to truly believe in yourself that you can change anything and everything you choose to and can really make a difference in the world. This last line is just for you, M.C..

P.S. If you do nothing else, be sure to watch the video, and recognize nature's response to radical kindness. :-) But really, enjoy all of it, for this message is what you call a "cornucopia of delights."

1) from J.

Jim,

Again a thank you for your daily emails. If you ever find yourself in SE Wisconsin or NE Illinois please allow me to buy you dinner.I saw this on one of the many blogs I watch and thought you might really appreciate it.

A Franciscan Benediction

May God bless us with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that we may live from deep within our hearts.

May God bless us with anger
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of God's creations
So that we may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless us with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger, and war,
So that we may reach out our hands to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless us with just enough foolishness
To believe that we can make a difference in the world,
So that we can do what others claim cannot be done:
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and all our neighbors.

Amen.

2) from H.

Jim you HAVE to see this! I think this Lion has been to a “Love Machine”…what do you think?

Here's the story:

Several years ago this woman found a sick, malnourished lion cub in the jungle. She took the cub home and fed him and brought him up until he was too big to keep anymore. She made arrangements with a zoo in Colombia to take the lion. This is the video of what happened when she went to visit him in the zoo for the first time.

http://www.telestereo.com/Archivos/video.html

3) from C.

Jim,

I think you might find a way to use this analogy.

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, "Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!" This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. And don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. It can stop with you.

The bottom line is that effective, healthy people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so.....

"Love the people who treat you right. Forgive and pray for the ones who don't."

Life is ten percent what you make it; and ninety percent how you take it!

Remember, take care of your own garbage; don't spread it around. And stop the spread of others' garbage at you.

And 4) from many

By the way, and this is a reward for those of you who have read this far down, and for those of you who have recently recommended that I watch the movie, "Into the Wild." You are number 4), and you were right about this. Deeply touching movie, and I really loved it, and related to so much of it, especially the amazing Eddie Vedder song, "Society." It moved me so deeply. Please see the movie, Aaron H., and you will know why I suggested it when you do, and please watch this video clip of the song, Paul, as it relates to so much of our recent conversation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYlgrLbsqAg&feature=related

My favorite line in the movie was the Hal Holbrook line (as his adopted grandfather, Ron) when he told Chris, the adventurous 23-year-old kid, that "To forgive is to love, and to love is to have God's light shine upon you." It was cool to see what happened as he said it, too. And I also loved when Chris discovered at the very end of his life that "Happiness, to be real, must be shared." This movie reminded me that the journey of my life, the wild adventure that I am willing to die for, is the journey of forgiveness and love, right into the wild, unruly, and raw face of (vs. running away from) "society."

A few timely Coveyisms, and a trio from Niccolo


Covey was one of the early touchstones of "the revolution," so this is fun reminiscing for me - a walk down memory lane, so to speak, and he's still so very, very relevant. Read these carefully and slowly, a few times over would be good. He really knows how to nail it when it comes to describing the often perplexing nature of human being.

"The way we see the problem is usually the biggest problem."

"You can't ever talk your way out of what you've behaved yourself into."

"The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, but to schedul-ize your priorities."

"While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions."

"There are three constants in life ... change, choice, and the principles to apply in dealing with each of them."

"Management works on improving things within the system; leadership works on radically transforming the system."

"I am personally convinced that one person can be a change catalyst, a 'transformer' of any situation or system. Such an individual is the yeast than can leaven an entire loaf. It requires wisdom, vision, trust, self-awareness, persistence, patience, introspection, initiative, humility, faith, and courage to be such a transformational leader."

-- Stephen Covey

I want to take these one at a time and refer to the places in my ministry where I get called to be a stand, relative to each one:

1. "The way we see the problem is usually the biggest problem."

In the areas of marital problems and parenting, this is so true. Marriage and Parenthood are literally "designed crises" meant to grow us in our capacity to love, and it is so easy to see our partner or child as "the problem," thereby totally missing "the real problem," which is our own blindness, distractedness, and stubbornness.

2. "You can't ever talk your way out of what you've behaved yourself into."

Our actions speak so much louder than our words, always, and our unconscious behavior gets us into so much hot water, because we're usually "faking it" in our heads and through our carefully chosen words, even while we're being so nakedly revealed by our every attitudinal behavior/gesture, and there's no amount of 'splaining' that will cover that sh## back up.

3. "The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, but to schedul-ize your priorities."

This is the integration vs. balance argument, where integration says "get your priorities totally right and then live out of them through faith" (the abundance model, where God expands you and love flows through and out of you, effortlessly), vs. balance which says "carve your life and yourself up into manageable pieces, and then do the best you can distributing it all" (the scarcity model, where you deplete yourself, and you can't help but run out of gas).

4. "While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions."

This is where we learn that "choice" and "free will" really are a sick joke, because through our haphazard, random choices (or blatantly self-indulgent ones) we learn that there are choices that work and choices that don't work, and even some that really, really don't work, and, in the end, we really don't have a choice when it comes to the principles mentioned in the next quote, not if we want to truly live.

5. "There are three constants in life ... change, choice, and the principles to apply in dealing with each of them."

Yes, things are always changing, and choice is always being presented regarding how to respond to these changes, and then there are those damn unswerving, unshakable, totally unnerving, and often unfathomable principles that apply consistently and forever, and that we must learn eventually, often the hard way, through much trial and error, in order to live effective, fulfilling, meaningful lives.

6. "Management works on improving things within the system; leadership works on radically transforming the system."

There are many "systems" out there that are dying, even while many managers work feverishly to improve those systems. A current example is the Oil Industry, where there are many "managers" and other practitioners who are capitalizing on the difficulty of the effort to extract the last remnants of this dying (and killing) fuel out of the earth, and managing it quite well, to their huge financial benefit (and our and the planet's detriment), and then there are brave "leaders" and researchers who are risking themselves greatly (financially and otherwise) while searching for the best and most planet-protecting and self-sustaining alternatives, which will someday mark the completion of the radical transformation of the Energy Industry, sometime within many of our lifetimes.

7. "I am personally convinced that one person can be a change catalyst, a 'transformer' of any situation or system. Such an individual is the yeast than can leaven an entire loaf. It requires wisdom, vision, trust, self-awareness, persistence, patience, introspection, initiative, humility, faith, and courage to be such a transformational leader, and they are usually celebrated long after their most active days."

Well, I know many of these so-called "reformers," or "transformers," in many unrelated fields all over the world, and they truly inspire me, and, as it relates to "experiencing the kingdom here and now," I would like to consider myself one of these, but only time will tell. You might ask, why are there so few of these leaders out there? Well, I think Niccolo Machiavelli understood the answer to that question very well, when he said, way back at the turn of the 16th century:

"There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things. For the reformer has bitter enemies in all those who profit by the old order, and only lukewarm defenders in all those who would possibly benefit by the new order, this lukewarmness arising partly from fear of their adversaries, who have the laws and norms in their favour; and partly from the incredulity of mankind, who do not truly believe in anything new until they have had the actual and ongoing experience of it."

-- Niccolo Machiavelli, Italian dramatist, historian, & philosopher (1469 - 1527), in The Prince

He also said, however, that:

"He who, while blinded by ambition that is often protected by the status quo, raises himself to a position whence he cannot mount higher, must thereafter fall with the greatest possible loss."

When given the choice between these two, along with the choice of following mass mediocrity and inertia, knowing that change is always inevitable, I choose the former stand, and will suffer my holy, sacred "losses" each day, rather than the cataclysmic losses that come after long periods of being drugged by my ego's delusion.

And regarding man's propensity to protect the status quo, I agree with Niccolo here, as well, although I'd never want to be associated too closely with him in history, given his rather deep, insensitive, and sometimes even violent jadedness. But his words work for me here:

"I'm not interested in preserving the status quo; I want to overthrow it."

Me too, Niccolo, me too, at least that (status quo) which lives and breathes (and often controls me) inside myself, which is where the revolution I speak of is being fought every day.

There is a real weirdness in having found this.

We Can Run, But We Can't Hide

By Grateful Dead

We don't own this place, though we act as if we did,
It's a loan from the children of our children's kids.
The actual owners haven't even been born yet.

But we never tend the garden and rarely do we pay the rent,
Some of it is broken and the rest of it is bent
Put it all on plastic and I wonder where we'll be when the bills hit.

[Chorus:]
We can run,
But we can't hide from it.
Of all possible worlds,
We only got one:
We gotta ride on it.
Whatever we've done,
We'll never get far from what we leave behind,
Baby, we can run, run, run, but we can't hide.
Oh no, we can't hide.

I'm dumpin' my trash in your back yard
Makin' certain you don't notice really isn't so hard
You're so busy with your guns and all of your excuses to use them.

Well, it's oil for the rich and babies for the poor,
We got everyone believin' that more is more,
If a reckoning comes, maybe we will know what to do then.

[Bridge:]
All these complications seem to leave no choice,
I heard the tongues of billions speak with just one voice,
Saying, "Just leave all the rest to me,
I need it worse than you, you see."
And then I heard...
The sound of one child crying.

Today I went walking in the amber wind,
There's a hole in the sky where the light pours in
I remembered the days when I wasn't afraid of the sunshine.

But now it beats down on the asphalt land
Like a hammering blow from God's left hand
What little still grows cringes in the shade like a bad vine.

In many ways, we seem more like the "grumpy dead" than the "Grateful Dead," and we're not nearly as clever, like desperately gasping, needy, reaching weeds in the cracks of the sidewalk, but we sure do get to be the "grateful dying," coming fully and extravagantly alive in the quest, if we seize the opportunity to return to the garden.