Loving you

"I love you not only for who you are, but for who I am when I think of you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me every day. I love you for the strength that you bring out in me and, in fact, demand relentlessly."

Working inside so many marriages fills me with awe and respect for the institution, for the tenacious resolve of human beings, and especially for my wife, without whom I could not do this work. Having just gone through a tough month together, and a glorious one, I am filled with love and appreciation, and I totally see how weathering the difficult struggles together makes the marriage, and each partner, stronger. Anne, it is an honor to be learning these lessons with you.

Responding to others who trigger you

"The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of a wise man is in his heart." -- Benjamin Franklin

"The ego is that ugly little troll that lives underneath the bridge between your mind and your heart." -- Gael Greene

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing another imperfect person perfectly." -- Sam Keen

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the struggling, and tolerant of both the weak and the strong - because at some point in life you will have been all of these." -- George Washington Carver

"It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you won't be comfortable with others." -- Sydney J. Harris

Similar to yesterday's message, I had a friend's cry for help regarding a painful struggle in his marriage serve as inspiration for today's, and here is what flowed in response to my prayers about his request. Breaking patterns of blind arrogance, competition for who's right, defensiveness, disappointment-waiting-to-happen, hyper-sensitivity, insistence that another "behave" a certain way, constant battles and "one-ups-manship," stiff resignation, etc., is super-hard work and requires a radical mindshift, which the above quotes reinforce perfectly. Remember, and I guarantee this is so and will work, however you "need" another person to be is simply the work there is for you to do.

Response to a friend

"Silence is the language God speaks, and everything else is a bad translation."

-- Father Thomas Keating

“The rate at which a person grows and matures is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate from speaking out.”

-- Doug Engelbart


"To live for results would be to sentence myself to continuous frustration. My only sure reward is in my actions and not from them."

-- Hugh Prather

"The more faithfully you listen to the voice within you, the better you will hear what is sounding outside you. Only he who listens to his own heart can speak to the hearts of others."

-- Dag Hammarskold


"The Chinese word for 'busy' is composed of two characters: 'heart' and 'killing.' When we make ourselves so busy that we are always rushing around trying to get this or that 'done,' or 'over with,' we kill something vital in ourselves, and we smother the quiet wisdom of our own heart."

-- Wayne Muller

A dear friend of mine is experiencing a "dark night of the soul," which in my usage here refers to an intense and deeply personal test of faith accompanied by great pain and struggle. He sent me a copy of a letter he wrote (yet had not sent) to a very important person in his life, in which he was letting "his test become his testimony" and "his mess become his message." It was a very moving letter, and I felt deeply honored to be invited to sit with him in the midst of his suffering. Sometimes the most important role of a coach is simply to "be with" another's pain. But he also asked me what I thought about the contents of the letter, so I prayed about his inquiry, and the above 5 quotes were delivered to me in response to my prayer, about the specific points of his struggle. I trust they will be meaningful in helping him quiet his "busy" mind and listen to his own heart. And then I found one last piece that offered some additional perspective about the nature of the experience itself. I hope he finds all of these things useful, and that he knows how much he is loved. They surely touched my soul.


"There’s something that happens to us when we say yes to our most painful experiences. Not yes as in 'Yes, I love it,' but 'Yes, this is what's so. Yes, this is what's happening inside me right now.' Instead of saying 'No, I don’t want this to be true. This isn't happening to me,' there is liberating power in just accepting the pain. Look at all the energy it takes to say no to this reality when it surfaces - this is called denial and leads to 'living a life of quiet desperation.' When I was ready and able to say 'Yes, I hurt. Yes, my life feels damaged by my past choices, now what?', that’s the point where my life started to change for the better. ... There comes a point when you are more important than your past. ... The dark night of the soul begins in confusion, moves into excrutiating pain, and ends in rebirth. It does not end simply in a return to the status quo. This is a spiritual truth about the soul’s journey, and it is a great consolation during these dark times."

-- Margot Silk Forrest

"Behold, I make all things new."

The crux of the matter

"Healing old wounds and re-claiming truth is the crux of the matter for all of us, and we're all in it together."

I saw this quote on a website I visited the other day, and it reminded me of the meeting that started my day yesterday - a meeting of two powerful, wonderful men who had let a deep, dark chasm grow between them that was paralyzing both of them when they were nwith each other, thereby hampering their shared ministry in the world. Well, they got to heal some old wounds yesterday, and to remember what's so, and it was truly beautiful to behold, and it took only an hour or so to transcend several years of pain. In a follow-up to the meeting, I got this message later in the day from one of them:

"Freedom! Thanks. Friend."

I loved the simplicity of his message, and I was so happy to help, but all I really did was to listen to him, honor his pain, and remind him of his own powerful truth, which he taught me a few months back, with a line in his vision statement that reads:

"I love the hard work and challenge of serving people in need –
helping them change their lives and set themselves free through simply changing their perspective."

He turned this beautiful intention upon himself yesterday, remembering who he was in the process, liberating himself to embrace his brother and friend, putting the past behind him. He simply chose to change his perspective. But not until he released some old pain, and the other guy took dramatic heed of the message of a few weeks ago:

"When you are able to truly listen to any issues that others in your life (like your children, customers, employees, friends, partner, etc.) might have about you (a true reflection of your "caring"), it's like throwing water on a fire. When you're not, it's like spraying it with kerosene."

I would say, thanks to your caring nature and your profound listening, R.T., that the fire is effectively doused. Wouldn't you agree, G.B.? And now, as you reach out to help others who are struggling with similar demons, and who are using them as excuses for playing small and helpless, they can benefit from the compassion and forgiveness and friendship you've discovered together - the stuff that comes from real human connection. You will actually be walking your talk, which is the most powerful message there is in your work, wouldn't you agree?

Stir of echoes

Sorry, this message is a little long. It's just too good not to share completely. If you don't have time right now, save it for later, along with yesterday's message as a precursor. It'll keep.

Yesterday I cried out my fears and frustrations that have filled my September. And over the last few days my entire family has been sick with colds, leaving us all feeling pretty exhausted. And I feel like I'm letting everyone down - grumpy around the house, cancelling meetings, not being available. I have learned over the years that it is very healthy to speak my fears out loud into the wind, so that I can release them and choose. And, with the support of my community of family and friends who love me exactly as I am, I always get an added bonus. My "inner wisdom" is echoed back to me in ways that help me choose a new attitude that better serves my vision for my life. Well, after my cry for help, here is a smattering of what I got back, exactly the things I most needed to hear, and I feel refreshed by them. Thank you to all of you who contributed. I share this on behalf of all of us, hoping that we all can take some refreshment from it whenever we might really need it. And picture that I'm sending this with a wiped-out Anne trying to catch a few winks after a sleepless night, a squirming Heather trying to fall asleep on my shoulder, and a raspy-voiced Jake yelling at me, "You need to come downstairs, Dada." He wants his breakfast now.

"... Balancing your plans is a part of training for the marathon. It is an experience that reflects much of life - aiming for a goal, setting a plan, dealing with setbacks, gritty determination, belief in yourself, support from others, self-doubts, excitement, despair, joy, crossing the line, and realizing what you have learned. Keep going!"

"... I believe in you and know that you can accomplish anything you set your mind to, regardless of the circumstances. Now, with that said: Go Jim! You can do it!"

"... Now let's discuss what you DID do in September... you supported your wife and family with love, time, compassion and basic needs. You became a father for the fourth time - I know Heather was born August 30th, but September was the family's adjustment month. You continued to grow your business and you ran an average of 2.5 miles a day. All at 49 years old. I'm not sure I see any failures here."

"... I read your messages every day. I have faith in you. You will see, you will do, you will overcome, you will succeed."

"... Time is simply a tool in His hands...and EVERYTHING is in His hands, nothing is out of His hands....and He can and WILL multiply time for you when you ask Him to....Jim, you can do this!!! Nothing has happened that He isn't totally aware of and hasn't prepared from eternity past to provide for you....and bring glory to Himself. You have obeyed Him through all of this and have given of yourself and your time to care for the needs of others.....He is your God and Father....and He wants to bless you in ALL that you do.....Look to see what He is doing here and you will find that He is about to do something incredible in you! And I can tell from all that I have learned about you....that YOUR gonna LOVE it!!!!!"

"... sometimes it is better to pick and choose the commitments we put on our plates carefully and thoughtfully. prioritizing and choosing those things that are in our best interest at the present time...putting the other things on the back burner so we do not get burned out by going in too many directions at once. we always get to choose again...."

"... I suspect that you are already fit enough to complete the Marathon, so I think what you are struggling with is some internal training commitment you have made with yourself. Cut yourself a little slack and spend some more time with Anne, Jake and Heather!!"

And these two awesome pieces were offered up as well:
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Runner's Water
===============

Drink Plenty of Water!

I've heard it. I've read it. As long as I have been running, it's always been the same message: "drink plenty of water."

All along most race courses are water stations, and most runners slow down to drink a cup of cool water. Keeping your water level up is critical when you run.

If you get slightly dehydrated, you will not run well. If you get moderately dehydrated, you will become disoriented. If you get seriously dehydrated, you can die. It's serious business.

The first year I ran I was inexperienced (also younger, slimmer, stupider, etc.) I passed water stop after water stop, occasionally drinking a swallow or two. I felt good, and I wasn't going to waste precious seconds drinking water, even though it was a hot, humid day. Big mistake.

As I neared the final mile, I "hit the wall." My energy level dropped to zero, I began having to walk some, and I realized I would have to work hard just to finish. I did make it across the line, but only with a tremendous headache and hardly enough energy to walk. It was not much fun.

I learned an important lesson that year. Stopping for water doesn't actually slow you down. In fact, you will run a better race if you do drink water. The bottom line is that your body is simply not designed to function without water.

In the same way, your spiritual stamina depends on stopping for regular drinks of "spiritual water." The dilemma for busy people is finding time to invest in reading the Word and spending time in prayer. Like the runner intent on reaching the finish line, we tend to put off those regular drinks of water until we are totally parched.

But in the long run, you will run a better race if you will stop for spiritual water. In fact, finishing the spiritual race at all may depend on it. Runners who don't ever slow down to take a drink often stumble off the course far short of the finish line.

In this year's race, I saw a man become dehydrated just a milefrom the finish. Strangely, he didn't seem to recognize that anything was wrong. He was swaying from side to side as he walked, mumbling over and over, "I'm fine. I'm fine." He was so disoriented that he didn't even recognize his own sick condition.

If you let yourself become spiritually dehydrated, you may not even be able to recognize it. Stop today to drink some cool "Living Water." For serious runners, it's a must.

The Author is Unknown but the "Living Water" is known.

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The Road Between, by Mark Nepo
==========================

To stand up and be worn
to something deeper
is a pledge that living
forces us to keep.


I drove five hundred miles down the California coast with the mountains on the left and the ocean on the right. For days they spoke to me of standing up and wearing down. Of course, I was driving a road we have made down the middle. During the fourth day, the road became a ribbon. It was here it was most beautiful.

I found the world out there all in here, and now I know: the current of life requires us to stand up, again and again, and we are not defeated when we are worn down, just exposed anew at a deeper level. We are meant to live between the two.

In this way, life keeps getting more and more precious. It is a natural law like gravity or osmosis: stand up to be worn bare. It is how everything in the way is thinned, so we can feel just how thoroughly alive we are.


* Sit quietly and bring to mind a time when you stood up to something you had to face.
* Breathe deeply and consider in what way the experience wore you down.
* Center yourself and name, if you can, how this standing up and wearing down changed you.
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These reflections and meditations are excerpts from my spiritual daybook, The Book of Awakening
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In the end, it always comes down to what you believe.

"The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen."

-- Frank Lloyd Wright

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."

-- Marcus Aurelius

"The greatest discovery of our generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. As you think, so shall you become."

-- William James

"Life is a train of moods, like a string of beads; and as we pass through them they prove to be many-colored lenses, which paint the world their own hue, and each shows us only what lies in its own focus."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

-- Viktor Frankl

People count on me to hold up this relentless mirror for them, showing them what they are believing at the moment by their words and actions (observing and reflecting their apparent mental model), such that they can see the possibility of choosing from a higher place. The above quotes build upon themselves in their intensity on the subject, until they get to a level where words are no longer needed. So, here's your next opportunity to choose. What do you believe is possible in your life? in your work? in your relationships? Now go make it so.

P.S. Remind me of this often as I complete September with only 76 miles logged in my marathon training, would ya? I have been tested this month in my commitments to being the best husband, father, brother, son, friend, coach, marathon trainer, etc. It has seemed a bit overwhelming at times, over these last 4 weeks of Heather, but, as it says above, I will achieve that which I believe I can. I could sure use a little support over these next 4 months, gang. I have to double this mileage for October, and I don't see how I'll be able to do that. Help!

Love one another.

"If this is God’s world, there are no unimportant people."

-- George Thomas

"I really only love God as much as I do the person I love (or consider, or notice) the least."

-- Dorothy Day

"I know of only two alternatives to hypocrisy: perfection or honesty. Since I have never met a person who loves God with all his heart, mind, and soul, and loves his neighbor as himself, I do not view perfection as a realistic position to take."

-- Philip Yancey

Simple progression of simple thoughts. Accepting and embracing our equal humanity, our equal struggle (no matter how it looks), our equal ignorance before our Creator, our equal beauty in His eyes, our equal blessings (no matter how it looks) - this is the only "realistic" view I can find, and the only one that leaves me with any peace.