Marriage rescue

"Marriage is not a static state between two unchanging people. Marriage is a psychological and spiritual journey that begins in the ecstasy of attraction, meanders through rocky stretches of self-discovery, and culminates in the creation of an intimate, joyful, lifelong union."

-- Harville Hendrix


"As a country, we would benefit from finding a way to fund "marriage rescue" services - like some kind of 'insurance' or something. Marriage Insurance - what a concept! Marriage license fees could triple, and they might just cover such a thing! It could pay for the help couples often need when their marriages are temporarily ailing or have crashed into the inevitable walls that they can hit every so often - in other words, pay for a kind of 'Marriage Hospital'."

-- Judy Parejko

During the "rocky stretches of self-discovery" that H.H. refers to above, our marriages can become much more difficult for us, and it is during these natural personal growth stages that most marriages suffer blindly and frequently fail, simply because of the partners' ignorance of the human relationship dynamics at work. I speak from painful personal experience here. As we struggle with our "selves" during these stages, we often conveniently make up that our spouse has become impossible, gone insane, or stopped loving us. This is seldom the case, and is instead a weak excuse to blame someone else for our own very painful and personal struggle of awakening and transformation. When we are faced with ourselves and our own blindness, corruption, or ineffectiveness in life, and then we stop loving ourselves as a result and can't look in the mirror anymore, we naturally tend to externalize the problem, and the closest person we can blame is our spouse. They are the ones who see us most naked, and we resent them for it. Help at this critical time - in the form of unconditional acceptance, compassionate education, and loving support in building new habits of commitment and integrity - is often hard to come by in our busy lives (especially from the neglected or strained relationships they produce) and yet, if available, could be of tremendous value in saving marriages. Here's hoping Judy is onto something in the second quote above. I can't think of a more important "benefit" for people to secure. I find myself in the midst of a lot of "marriage rescue missions" these days, and they are rarely, if ever, about "bad" people or even good people "not loving" each other anymore. They are most often a case of the awkwardness of growth being denied, going unrecognized, or sadly (often severely) being misinterpreted by one or both partners. When offered unconditional acceptance, loving guidance, total honesty, relevant information, and relentless support, most people act with spiritual integrity on their own, their marriage's, and their family's, behalf. Thank God for that.

Big Dreams create ENERGY and ENTHUSIASM for living!

Yesterday was a day of BIG DREAMS for a couple different groups of people at Star of Hope. I felt humbled by the 3 hours I got to be there and privileged to participate. First there was a "commencement ceremony" for a group of 5 men who had completed a Spiritual Recovery Program that helped them overcome some form of addiction, learn some new life and self-awareness skills, and then rebuild their lives to include a bold dream that would make life worth living for them. What an inspiring group of men. My hat's off to you, A.L., C.M., G.W., H.W., and W.W.. Good luck as you move beyond Star of Hope and re-engage the world. After this inspiring ceremony, another group of 12 people - representing the business, church, and non-profit sectors of society - came together over lunch to talk about new forms of collaboration that could stretch the amount and form of caring and support that man could offer his fellow man in times of need, and the conversation became one of those you never forget, a conversation that could literally change the world. It was a moving tribute to the power of shared intention, which reminded me of this message I sent out last year:

"Intention is a powerful force. Coming from a Latin word that means 'to stretch toward,' intention is the initial bending of your mind toward a target. It is the force that permeates the journey and the goal. A story from the medieval Christian tradition illustrates intention: A traveller came to a worksite and saw two men carrying stones. One man was working listlessly, with a sullen expression on his face, while the other man was cheerfully singing as he busily carried stone after stone. 'What are you doing?' asked the traveller of the sullen worker. 'Laying stone' was his reply. 'And what are you doing?' the industrious worker was asked. 'Building a cathedral' was his inspired reply. This is intention at work. Intention precedes and inspires vision. Intention lives in the zone between potential and action, organizing the diffuse energy of potential and bringing it toward reality. Intention is also the ability to hold a visionary context in which all of your specific visions are organized. Inspired leadership is the ability to work relentlessly from the zone of intention, so that your very being brings forth visionary thinking in your colleagues."

-- Gay Hendricks, Ph.D., from The Corporate Mystic

And speaking of "cathedrals," because I saw the possibility of the start-up of some true "cathedral-building" yesterday, both in the real world and inside people's hearts, I sent a message out to Bill Shore, founder & executive director of Share Our Strength (http://www.strength.org/) yesterday morning befor this meeting, because I had read his inspiring book, The Cathedral Within," a couple of years back (for review, see http://www.gbod.org/congregational/articles.asp?act=reader&item_id=2612), and had kept up with him over the years. I indicated to him that I suspected that I was about to witness evidence of his "social entrepreneurialism" theme, and he asked to be kept informed. And sure enough, it showed up, when one of the people in the room mentioned a collaborative idea that galvanized us. Everyone's eyes lit up as their jaws dropped, and we all knew that a fuse had been lit on an idea whose time had come. More information will be forthcoming as the group pulls its collective act together, but for all of you in the group, I highly recommend a quick read of Bill's book to keep those juices flowing.

Unleashing unlimited possibility

"What we can or cannot do, what we consider possible or impossible, is rarely a function of our true capability. It is more likely a function of our beliefs about who we are."

-- Anthony Robbins

"One must have the adventurous daring to accept oneself as a bundle of possibilities and undertake the most interesting game in the world - making the most of one's best."

-- Harry Emerson Fosdick

"Deep within man dwell those slumbering powers; powers that would astonish him, that he never dreamed of possessing; forces that would revolutionize his life if aroused and put into action."

-- Orison Swett Marden

During this important day in our country's history, while we're all solemnly remembering the "impossible" disasters of two years ago - the terrorist attacks in the air and on the ground in New York City, Pennsylvania, and Washington, DC, and the eventual collapse of the World Trade Center - I will be attending and facilitating a meeting of unlimited positive possibility at Star of Hope Mission here in Houston, TX (http://www.sohmission.org/). If it's true that our actions in life are driven out of either love or fear (the absence of love), then this incredible meeting is an opportunity to generate enough compassion, hope, and love here in Houston on 9/11/03 to fully honor and transcend the painful memories of the very fearful events of early morning 9/11/01. This meeting sets the stage for a collaboration of several local service-driven organizations and many caring people across the global business, church, and non-profit communities that could be unprecedented in its creativity and scope, as well as its potential impact on "families in need." I will commit to "holding the creative space" for the initial collection of truly amazing individuals to fully "show up" to explore how to "make the most of their collective best," and the results are sure to be astounding. I will keep you posted on what comes from this watershed meeting as its effect ripples outward over time. We are going to awake and arouse slumbering powers today that will astonish us all. Please pray for us that we do this day proud.

On an even more important personal note, September 11th happens to also be my oldest son Jim's birthday. He turns 24 today. We will never forget our feelings when his birthday gained a whole new and lifelong significance two years ago, and it left me deeply moved by the immense love I feel for my son. Happy Birthday, Jim. I promise to do you proud today, in honor of how proud I am of the man you are.

Beware the seduction of wealth

"The one who loves money is never satisfied with money, nor the one who loves wealth with big profits. More smoke. The more loot you get, the more looters show up. And what fun is that - to be robbed in broad daylight? Hard and honest work earns a good night's sleep, whether supper is beans or steak. But a rich man's belly gives him insomnia. Here's a piece of bad luck I've seen happen: A man hoards far more wealth than is good for him and then loses it all in a bad business deal. He fathered a child but hasn't a cent left to give him. He arrived naked from the womb of his mother; he'll leave in the same condition - with nothing. This is bad luck, for sure - naked he came, naked he went. So what was the point of working so hard for a salary of smoke? All for a miserable life spent in the dark?"

-- referenced in the Introduction of The Tao of Enron, by Chris Seay, from King Solomon's words in Ecclesiastes 5:10-17, MSG.

Chris is also the author of The Matrix Reloaded, one of my favorite recent books about one of my favorite "coaching movies," and I am using this tribute to him to meet him personally "over the air." Through a mutual acquaintance (client/friend of mine and new friend of his), I received an inscribed copy of The Tao of Enron from Chris, and it captures the essence of what I help businesspeople see within their busy corporate lives - the nature of their addiction - and from this fascinating bridge between us, I know we are destined to be friends along this path. Chris, thank you for being alive, and for expressing your gift and your life so courageously, and for your artistic and spiritual contributions to the world. Kyle, thank you for being alert to synchronicity and for your dedication to your Life Plan, and for the music that is your life. Please let me know how the recording session went. I really loved seeing you in the "surrendering" to your dream and your ministry. To all of you out there who seek a simpler, more joyful and fulfilling life, I highly recommend Chris' work as a window into a more authentic and connected lifestyle. And watch out for the name Kyle Hutton. You will see him onstage clutching a Grammy one day soon.

In my past, I lived the life of blindness and greed that Chris reveals in his book, to the point of complete meltdown, just like Enron, blowing myself up 10 years ago (along with innocent lives of others I love) in humbling, humiliating fashion, and then I miraculously experienced the awakening that started me on my long journey home, to God's forgiveness and to the purpose of it all. I have a long way to go, and I am actively seeking out friends, partners, and support resources to help me stay on my path. For, as Morpheus says in "The Matrix," it is one thing to know the path, and quite another to walk the path. Thank God these wonderful people just keep showing up to guide my steps.

I end this message with the last paragraph of the Appendix of The Tao of Enron:

"If you're truly interested in a simpler lifestyle, the best advice I can give is this: Try something new. Don't merely think about a simpler life; take steps now - small ones at first, if necessary - to declutter your life and discover the joy of living based on what you need. And now let me leave you with an old Jewish proverb that might get you thinking: Where there is too much ... something is missing."

The art of teaching

"'To know' is to know that you know nothing."

-- Confucius

"The secret in education lies in respecting the student."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"The best teacher is the one who suggests rather than dogmatizes, and inspires his students with the wish to learn."

-- Edward Bulwer-Lytton

"A good teacher never strives to explain his vision. He simply invites you to stand beside him and see what you see for yourself."

-- R. Inman

"The bad teacher imposes his ideas, methods, and will on his pupils. The good teacher discovers the natural gifts of his pupils and liberates them by the stimulating influence of the inspiration that he can impart."

-- Stephen Neill

For those of you out there who have been talking to me about bringing your gifts to the art of teaching (or coaching, for that matter), it would be wise to study these and internalize them - they will serve you and your students well.

For those of you who are active or new coaching clients of mine, and who have been patiently waiting for the first or next coaching visit with me, while I've been tending to important baby and family matters, I thank you for your patience, and my time will start to become more available for coaching appointments next week and beyond. You can contact me now through email for scheduling, if you'd like.

Remaining thankful amidst the plenty

"It is generally true that all that is required to make men unmindful of what they owe to God for their many blessings is that they should receive those blessings often and regularly."

-- Whately

After an intense week of so many blessings, and while feeling so tired from absorbing and assimilating them into my daily life, it is a good time to reflect on how incredibly thankful I am. It is so easy and natural for me to let the tiredness from the intensity of it all rob me of the love I feel and blind me to the truth. Not this time. I am very awake and aware, ... even though I only got 3 or 4 hours sleep. :-)

Maintain your integrity in all things.

"Let me see what you pay the most attention to (vs. what you say is most important), and I will tell you who you are."

-- Jose Ortega y Gosset

Corresponding quotes from Proverbs in the NIV Bible:

4:23-27 Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil.

10:9 The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out.

11:3 The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.

On what do you spend the most time, energy, and focused attention? Are they the things on which you claim to base your life? There is no avoiding the truth in this matter. You fool no one but yourself by attempting to do so. I write this with my little Heather lying bundled in my lap looking up at me with her beautiful little newborn eyes. In her first week of life she already likes to hang out with her Daddy teaching him what's so. Jake will pick up the lesson over bagelatte in a few more hours. What perfect little reminders of what's most important to me - caring for each other in the midst of, and as the fundamental purpose of, everything we do.

Part 5 of 5, on caring

"When I discover who I am, I'll be free."

-- Ralph Ellison

When you spend your time doing your own tough work, focusing on shedding old ego habits (like arrogance, cynicism, externalization, martyrdom, pride, projection, resignation, and false victimhood) and uncovering your true "self" with great care, compassion, and patience, then your patience is eventually rewarded with the greatest prize of all - complete freedom from "self" - freedom from self-aggrandizement, self-centeredness, self-interest, self-promotion, self-servitude, and you can throw yourself into service of others with reckless abandon. Once you're crystal clear about "who you are," then who "you" are becomes irrelevant as you lose yourself in the pursuit of your life's mission. Once you know why God brought you here, and you learn to trust the infinite caring behind His purpose in doing so, then you are free to really live.

P.S. My parents anniversary party went really well last night, thanks to my Dad having a good day yesterday, and a great time was had by all. Thank you for your prayers and good wishes.