Being your dream, no matter what

"In the clearing stands a boxer,
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of ev'ry glove that laid him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame,
'I am leaving, I am leaving.'
But the fighter still remains"

-- Paul Simon, in "The Boxer"

I met with a young man today who is in pursuit of his dream, and it is eluding him, but he is not giving up. We talked about the passion he feels for his particular dream, which is professional golf, and the fear he feels in his failing to achieve it so far. We talked about the pain of "becoming", and about the beauty and majesty of his struggle, about the gift that he is to others in the midst of his battle (like the boxer above), a relentless stand for his unique "Rudy" moment, something we all long for - that stellar moment of true significance and triumph when we win against all odds. In reality, given his life's story - the compelling movie that is him - it is possible for him to choose right now to "be" his dream vs. "pursue" it, knowing that the struggle is a huge part of the beauty of the story. In fact, it is a required part. It's what gives the ultimate victory meaning. And I want to remind him and you that "success," once achieved, often plants the seeds of arrogance, blindness, disconnection, and downfall, whereas failures breed learning, growth, and ultimate victory, if we choose to learn from them vs. wallow in them. The key is to see where you are more accurately, and to appreciate the grand design of life's learning cycle.

Good luck to you, J.A. Please keep dreaming for all of us. And thank you for not giving up.

And to the birthday boys, R.L. and D.M., I hope you have a wonderful day today. You both so richly deserve it.

Truth insists on marriage, ... and fidelity.

"Our lives improve only when we take bold, outrageous chances --
and the first and clearly most difficult risk we can take
is to be brutally honest with ourselves."

-- Walter Truett Anderson

"A man who lies to himself, and believes his own lies, becomes unable to recognize the truth, either in himself or in anyone else, and he ends up losing respect for himself and for others. When he has no respect for anyone, he can no longer love, and deep within him, he yields to his impulses, indulges in the lowest form of pleasure, and behaves in the end like an animal in satisfying his vices. And it all comes from lying to others and to yourself."

-- Fyodor Dostoyevsky

"Illusions are like mistresses.
We can have one, or many of them,
without tying ourselves down to responsibility.
But truth insists on marriage
(just as mariage insists on truth).
Once a person embraces truth,
he is at peace in its ruthless, but loving embrace."

-- Rebazar Tarzs

The more marriage relationships I am invited into, the more the above statements resonate. Ruthless honesty and truth is an absolute necessity in creating a happy, loving marriage, because we cannot love ourselves without it, and we must love ourselves to love others, and we must love others to be happy. And yet it is so unnatural. We know so well how to lie to get what we want, or to avoid what we don't want, and it seems to get rewarded in some perverse way, and it's such an ever-present seduction that seems to own everyone. How do you break free? Well, you must weigh the cost of the inevitable long-term result. If you refuse to look there, you will soon find out the hard way, when your one little lie turns into easier and more frequent bigger lies, which turn into an inability to distinguish truth anymore, which opens the door to that monster lie that totally destroys you, and at that point trust is so hard, if not impossible, to earn back. So remember, it's very dangerous to start, even with tiny little white lies, even if it remains in the unspoken (in the important truth you withhold), because once you do it becomes exponentially harder to stop, and you will then find yourself doing things that fill you with self-contempt, thereby adding insult to your own injury.

The windows to your soul

"Your eyes are like windows into your body and soul. If you open them wide in wonder, belief, and appreciation - having faith in God and trusting yourself and others - your body fills up with light, and your actions, experiences, and results will naturally flow out of this light. If you live squinty-eyed in worry, greed, and distrust, your body becomes like a dank cellar. You will have pulled the blinds on your windows, and what a dark and dreary life you are sure to create for yourself and those who love you."

-- a personal interpretation of Matthew 6:22

Personal (or organizational) transformation sure is scary work. There is great risk and pain involved, like any birth of a new life. But, oh, how worth it. And to think you might never have to hear the comment I heard from my wife Anne a few days ago, from when she talked to my son, Mark, while he was here, and he told her that as a little boy he lived for Sundays, because that was the only day of the week that his Dad was really alive and present. Imagine that. You talk about pain, now that's painful to hear. And yet I totally get it. He wasn't telling her that I was a bad father or a bad man; he was saying the opposite - that I was a good man who he really wanted to be with, and yet I pulled the blinds on my own light for 6 days out of seven every week, out of fear, and he didn't know how to tell me that, because I made it too scary. Are there any of you out there who are only alive one day a week for your loved ones, or maybe not at all? And might you be thinking you're "doing right" by being diligently attentive to your fears and worries about your family's welfare? Do you get how you might be scaring the very people you most want to protect and provide for? If so, do yourself and them a favor, and open your blinds and throw open your windows, right now. You deserve a better life, and so do they, and it doesn't come from what you strive diligently to provide them, but through who you are for them and what you share with them "through your windows."

Now today, in addition to the above powerful message that applies to so many conversations of yesterday, I am going to attempt to kill two other birds with this one stone, because it turned out to be another very emotional day yesterday, and it's also a very important day today. Let me elucidate:

First, a dear friend of mine, and fellow revolutionary, lost his CEO position unexpectedly yesterday, amidst great controversy, in a very awkward Board Meeting with his investors and many of his top managers. He simply could not deliver financial results fast enough that these investors were expecting and hoping for, albeit in a very challenging market. He was beginning to produce other human results that naturally produce self-sustaining financial results in the long-term, but the process was just taking too long, and these investors had been frustrated for too long. My friend had developed very close ties with many of the people in his organization at all levels, because he is a very good man with a very BIG heart, and these people now face a very difficult emotional dilemma. They can either passionately continue, or even accelerate, the process of carrying out his vision, as a lasting and living tribute to him, even in the face of their anger, frustration, and sadness about this decision, or they can let their emotions get the best of them, reacting negatively and failing everyone, including (and mostly) themselves, out of a false sense of loyalty to him. As I thought of this situation, the following quote just naturally fell into my lap:

"In the final analysis, the question of why bad things happen to good people transmutes itself into a very different question - no longer asking why something bad happened, but asking how we will respond, what we intend to do now that it has happened." -- Harold S. Kushner

I am committed to every employee of this company to help them choose wisely and well, and to understand that the best way they can honor this good man is to succeed in delivering on his vision, while letting him focus on loving himself and his family, and moving on with his life. In other words, BW, don't pull the blinds on your windows. Instead, let the light prevail, and celebrate its source, knowing that all is exactly as it is meant to be. The perfect situation here is for D.P. to leave and thrive, having left you fully capable of staying and thriving.

And finally, today is the birthday of a good friend out there. Happy Birthday, R.T.! I really love you, man, and hope you have a wonderful day. Please stay off the golf course today (where I hear you are making friends really "dodge some bullets" these days). The world is scary enough out there without you firing from the sand traps. ;-) Here's one just for you, in keeping with the "trust the light" theme from above:

"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but will have the light of life." -- John 8:12

Musings, as the storm clouds approach

"There is power that comes to women when they give birth. They don't ask for it; it simply invades them. It accumulates like clouds on the horizon and passes through, carrying the child with it."

-- Sheryl Feldman

"Midwife means 'with woman'. In countries where midwives are the primary birth attendants, the rate of natural birth rises significantly, and the use of medical technology and cesarean section is dramatically reduced. Throughout the world, the midwife is recognized as the "guardian of normal childbirth".

-- Nancy Wainer Cohen

Having just attended our second birthing class last night with our midwife, Pat Jones, I am really coming to appreciate the awesome power my wife Anne is surrendering herself up to, and the wonderful gift to women that is "midwivery." Pat is a miracle in our lives. The storm clouds holding our new child are now looming on the 5-week horizon. What an incredible miracle it all is, especially over the last few weeks, in which my emotions keep swinging from my Dad, to my grown sons, Jim & Mark, setting up their adult homes and lives, to my little boy, Jake, who knows something b....ig is about to happen, and now back to my wife and our unborn child. My emotions are churning, and the tears sure are flowing these days. As hard as it is for me to believe, I think it might just be those preliminary drops before the monsoon hits.

My cup runneth over!

Time with my son

"How did it get so late so soon?
It's night before it's afternoon.
December is here before its June.
My goodness how the time has flewn.
How did it get so late so soon?"

-- Dr. Seuss

"Time engraves our faces with all the tears we have not shed."

-- Natalie Clifford Barney

My son Mark leaves for his long trip home later this morning. His visit with his girlfriend, Amy, went by so quickly, and it was so wonderful, and so painful, kind of like my experience of his 21-year life to date. It had a little bit of everything - morning bagelatte with Jake, great eating, fun game-playing, gift shopping, cool swimming, deep talking. Ah yes, the talking, having those really important talks about really emotional things between us. A chance for both of us to say things that have needed to be said, and to cry tears that have needed to be shed, and to feel my face and mind relax with the release. I love my son, and that is all there is upon his departure. Everything else is complete. I think this was an important visit for us, and I am so grateful to him for making and taking the time. I think I've taken the chisel out of time's hands for just a little while, saving my face a little future damage. I cried deep and well over these last four days, humbled by this process of parenthood, where we try to figure out how to gracefully remove our heads from our butts before we do irreparable damage to fragile, young lives. Sometimes we make it; sometimes we don't. Thank God we somehow manage to find our children's forgiveness some day, if we're lucky, ... and our own, if we really work at it. I think they're both buried in finding and soaking in His forgiveness of us.

Love's ever-expanding circles

"He drew a circle that shut me out -
heretic, rebel, a thing to flout..
But love and I had the wit to win;
We drew a circle that took him in."

-- Edwin Markham

It is normal to feel quite angry, confronted, and resentful when we feel "excluded" from an important someone's circle, whether it be a friend, family member, lover, business associate, etc. However, it is important to notice our weird willingness to accept the feeling, almost like a comfortable form of exile. In fact, we are often quick to exclude ourselves to "hang out" there. It feels so strangely "familiar," like it's what we deserve or where we belong. And that lets us continue to curse and/or judge them, ... and stay lonely in our judgment. Those feelings are always self-inflicted. If you want to prove it, the next time you feel "left out" by someone, treated as unimportant or, worse yet, unseen in their circle, try drawing a bigger circle of your own that "includes" that person, and welcome them inside it with all the love in your heart.

A prayer for my Dad to say at night

Dear God,

My body is sick, and I am sad, scared, and weak. Please heal me.
Whatever the words I am supposed to say, whatever the thoughts that would set me free,
I am willing to have them shine into my mind in this moment of imminent darkness.
For I wish to be released.
Please give me a miracle. Please give me hope. Please give me peace.
Lift me up beyond the regions of my pain and despair.
Prepare each cell to be born anew.
For You are the power, not this sickness.
You are the truth, not this illusion.
You are my salvation, not the doctors and hospitals.
I am willing to relax now, to let go of all false thinking, to release this false condition,
and to drift peacefully into a deep, healing sleep, awakening refreshed in the morning.

Amen

(a modified version of Marianne Williamson's "Prayer for Healing" from her book, Illuminata; A Return to Prayer)

My Dad is suffering from an inability to get a good night's sleep these days. In fact, he's probably just now falling asleep after a hard night. He is on oxygen treatment now, and I know that it must be a source of both great relief and great frustration for him. It is a humbling time, and I know it must be hard to be dependent on an oxygen tank that you have to drag around with you to do anything the least bit strenuous. On the sleep front, I remember that feeling of "dreading the night" that he is surely feeling as each bedtime approaches, that feeling of fear that something awful is going to happen while totally alone with your fears and nightmares. I remember feeling so terribly alone in those dark days of my anxiety disorder and accompanying panic attacks. I am digging deep into that memory to gather all of my compassion, empathy, and love for my Dad at this time of his suffering. I remember wishing that he could have hugged me and told me it was alright during those dreadful nights. And I know if I had reached out and requested it, he would have done so, but I was too ashamed and scared. What I can do now, to ease those old feelings and offer him comfort, is to be with him in spirit each and every night across the miles, holding his hand in my heart and stroking his forehead in my mind to let him know I'm there with him and that everything's going to be OK. Please use this prayer each night and think of me kneeling right there beside you, and then drift off into a deep healing, and much deserved, sleep. And remember how much you're cherished by your family, and loved by the whole world, each and every new day.

On that note, Mark and Amy got here OK yesterday - after 18 straight hours of driving from Tennessee. It was so great to see him pulling into our driveway, after way too much time. I love him so much. We talked about you over dinner last night, and he and Jim are coming with me to visit you on August 8th & 9th, when I know you will get that same thrill seeing us pull up into your driveway. We can't wait.