Self-discipline

When it comes to living the life we've always dreamed of - the life we've been born to live, or the purpose we're now being called to -

"The revolution that will create it is ultimately an internal and deeply personal one, for as go our thoughts, so goes the world."

and,

"If we don't discipline ourselves to co-create our lives, the world will eventually do it for us."

I often tell people that when it comes to "getting grounded" in your life's basic truth, you can either walk down the stairs or get pushed out the window. It's going to happen one way or another. I personally had to get pushed out the window. It was quite a dramatic crash and burn. It's exactly what I needed at the time; sometimes it's what we all need, but I'm always happy to help those who choose to take the stairs, if and when they're ready.

I had a client/friend say to me yesterday that she has felt this "churning" inside her ever since she created her vision with me, that her stress level has gone through the roof. That's that inner choice looming - to follow or deny. The very thought of a choice intrigues us at first, with vague and subtle coincidences, just to get our attention. Then it speaks openly to us - first in a whisper, then a roar. Then we know we really have no choice. That free will thing is a real kick in the head, isn't it?

Another client/friend suggested - no, make that emphatically asserted - that my calling is rather evident in my daily actions. This was quite a compliment, and I am both humbled and moved to claim this small piece of the verse she sent me from the Bible for my own. I used to "churn" over this challenge every day, but it is no longer a looming choice and struggle; it's now the air I breathe:

"He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and to release from darkness the prisoners."

Marriage

"Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up."

-- Joseph Barth

"In marriage, it is often the case that 'you win or the relationship wins'."
(And it's up to you to choose whether you want to be right or effective.)


-- Terry Hargrave



"People think they have to find their soulmate to have a good marriage. You're not going to 'find' your soulmate. Anyone you meet already has soulmates - their mother, their father, their lifelong friends. You get married, and after 20 years of loving, bearing and raising kids, and/or meeting other difficult life challenges - then you'll have 'created' your soulmate."


-- Diane Sollee

Ann Meara of the comedy team Stiller and Meara observed awhile ago in a New York Times interview of her 30-plus year marriage,
"Was it love at first sight? Well, it wasn't then - but it sure is now."

"I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy and successful. I'll be the first to admit that it's possible that you did marry the wrong person. However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all. On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. I also know that it is far more important to be the right person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you."

-- Zig Ziglar

I met with a couple yesterday in what we all agreed to call "marriage triage." We were sorting out the priorities of the wounds to address in a marriage where love is in serious jeopardy of dying from starvation. There are questions in each's mind about whether they can go on, or whether they might just have married the wrong person. There is a shared fixation on being right about things - or on "winning" the ongoing philosophical arguments (which only results in both losing). The answer lies in God's hands. I'm doing all that a coach can, which is to hold their vision while they exercise new muscles to do so on their own, and to love them with all my heart (having had that lesson reinforced the other day). On Sunday, I will be facilitating another of the monthly Marriage Commitment Group meetings, and I offer these quotes and sentiments as our central theme. And, after talking to this couple about these meetings and hearing their interest in the idea, I want to ask the members of this Sunday's group if they'd be willing to accept another couple into our next meeting in June. Let me know, folks.

The power of love

"Real giving is when we give to those we love what's most important to them, whether we understand it, like it, agree with it, or not."

-- Michele Weiner-Davis

"What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?"

-- George Eliot

"When love and skill work together expect a masterpiece."

-- John Ruskin

"Love is no assignment for cowards."

-- Ovid

"They do not love who do not show their love."

-- William Shakespeare

"Love doesn't commit suicide or die of old age. We have to kill it for it to die. It often dies out of our neglect - from starvation."

-- Diane Sollee

Love sure is a complicated game. The thing we want so much, out of some vague feeling of lack, we must give to get. What kind of sick joke is that? There really are no words that adequately express the intensity of our feelings on this subject. I just thought I'd share some that made me feel and think.

And to those of you out there who are spending your lives working to make life a little less difficult for others, and there are many of you who do it in many different ways, I salute you for your powerful understanding of what love is.

An example of this love at work follows. I have a good friend that I coach who has been in somewhat of a slump lately, and it has been a rocky few weeks for him. Many painful events have unfolded in his life, and he has temporarily lost his way. People have commented to him, and to me, that he is reverting back to his old ways; they have given him a hard time about it, and he has remained stuck in the face of all of the pain and negative feedback. Well, I saw him yesterday morning at the coffee shop, and he told me that his CEO just saw him in the hallway of their offices and walked up to him, looked him in the eye with a knowing gaze, and gave him a deep hug of acknowledgement and encouragement, ... and said nothing else. As he told me the story he broke down crying, coming to the realization that that hug was the most powerful thing anyone had said to him that entire day - in fact, for weeks. That hug broke down all of his armor and removed all his barriers - it broke him down to his naked humanity, ... and he sobbed uncontrollably at the table. And after he was done sobbing he said, "I know what I have to do now, and I have a lot of work to do." And he was peaceful, ... and he was smiling. He committed to making a few amends over these next few days; he had people to whom he realized he owed an apology. He committed to really "being" with (and possibly crying with) his son over the upcoming weekend, acknowledging the finalization of his divorce from his Mom. This has been a deep and silent pain for many months. Beginning next week, he re-committed to the daily rituals that he knows keep him on track in his daily life, and to meet with me on Tuesday to re-commit to the next phase of his Life Plan. All of this resulted from a simple hug; no words required. Sometimes "knowing silence" - simply being with another person in their despair - is the most powerful form of love there is. This is love of the highest order - the kind that brings people back in touch with themselves and with God. There is no more powerful leadership force in the world, and it takes a strong person who has "been there" to give it.

Commitment

"Commitment has kind eyes. He wears sturdy shoes. Everything is vivid when he is around. It is wonderful to sit and have lunch in his gardens around harvest time. You can taste in the vegetables that the soil has been cared for."

-- J. Ruth Gendler

I love to be around people who are "committed" to their lives - who understand what commitment is and its role in relationship and spiritual integrity. It is so powerful to feel that level of trust in another person - that you just know they won't bail on you, ever, because they won't bail on themselves, ever. There is a calmness to people of commitment that comes from having earned the scars that teach it. When you're with a committed person, you just naturally know it and relax. Anne, Jake, and I will be going to Forever Spring Farm to visit two such souls at the end of the month, and the soil there has been deeply cared for. It is where we go to get nourished and replenished, and it has been way too long. We're coming, B. & C., and thanks so much for inviting us at just the right time for us - and right before our new baby comes!

The only way to truly secure the future

"Real generosity toward the future consists in giving all to what is present."

-- Albert Camus


We need not stress or worry our way to a secure future. It is not the answer. The only thing we're actually doing when we worry is training ourselves how to worry as a habit. And in the process we're robbing ourselves of the only training that can secure our future (if there is such a thing), and that's learning to be fully present in each given moment. A dear friend of mine once gave me a gift of the greatest little book, The Precious Present, by Spencer Johnson, and in it was this wonderful reminder of what is so true:

"It is wise for me to think about the past, and to learn from my past, but it is not wise for me to be in the past - for that is how I lose my self. It is also wise to think about the future, and to prepare for my future, but it is not wise to be in the future - for that, too, is how I lose my self. And when I lose my self, I lose what is most precious to me."

Paradoxically, it is through this full appreciation of self in "the precious present" that we become most capable of hearing God and surrendering our selves to appreciation of what is and fulfillment in the selfless service of others. After all, we cannot surrender that which we do not know, respect, and value, just as we need not secure through our own efforts that which has already been given to us, which brings me back to that great little story ...

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An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, "only a little while."

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15 - 20 years."

"But what then?" Asked the Mexican.

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions!"

"Millions - then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Serving vs. pleasing

"In all aspects of my life, I seek God’s guidance in being a complete and focused commitment to 'serving' vs. 'pleasing'."

This is the last sentence of a vision statement that I recently helped a good man put together for himself. And I love this last sentence. You see, I'm a pleaser by nature, and that has not always been in the best interests of the people I've aimed to please. I am at a place in my life now where I can see how and where God chose to "serve" vs. "please" me, and I can see the places where I ran away from Him feeling very "unpleased." However, He was very patient with my struggle, and I now feel deeply and richly served by the many hard lessons of my life. I see now how necessary they all were at the time. I have no regrets about any of them. And I feel more pleased AND served than ever before. So, pulling another page from this friend's Life Plan, to make my encouragement and service of him complete for this day:

“I asked for Strength,
and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for Wisdom,
and God gave me tough problems to solve to help me learn.


I asked for Prosperity,
and God gave me the intelligence, strength, and will to do His work.

I asked for Courage,
and God gave me dangers to overcome.

I asked for Compassion,
and God gave me troubled souls to love and support.

I asked for Favor, and God gave me endless opportunities.
In the process I got nothing I asked for, but everything I needed to have it all."

Happy Mother's Day!

"Mother is the name of God on the lips and in the hearts of children."

-- William Makepeace Thackeray

"The mother's heart is the child's schoolroom."

-- Henry Ward Beecher

"When it comes to love, Mom's the word."

-- Anonymous

I want to wish all of you Moms out there a wonderful day, especially my beautiful wife, Anne (mother of our precious Jake and our unborn little one), my own Mom and Anne's Mom (who combined are responsible for a grand total of 10 of us), our collective 5 sisters (mothers of 16 of our nieces and nephews) and 3 sisters-in-law (mothers of another 9 of them), and my ex-wife, Kathy (mother of my first two fabulous sons, Jim & Mark). There sure are a lot of great Moms in my world, and I am so in awe of each and every one of you, and of all of the fruits of your labor. Thank you for the selfless job you do - the most important job in the world - and for giving your all to it.