The secret of right relations

"If you would learn the secret of right relations,
look only for the divine in people and things,
and leave the rest to God."
-- J. Allen Boone

For it is only the divine in us that can see the divine in others, and only its absence that sees the absence in others. What we condemn in others is merely our ego reacting to (and condemning) theirs, and it is the source of much of the stress in our lives. If we want our relationships to be less stressful, then we can choose to see our role in how it works. People tend to behave in our presence the way we "listen" to them. If we want to encourage "goodness," to foster "rightness," then we can listen "big" and with great generosity of spirit.

Fill'er up!

"You cannot catch a child's spirit by running after it; you must sit still and for love it will eventually return."


-- Arthur Miller

Once again, a picture worth ten thousand words. This is one of the ways I like to catch my little Jake's spirit, and savor the joy of life, ... all while sitting still. Ahhhhhhhh, ... it's good to be home again. :-)

A tribute to D.M. and his team

"Only when a leadership community gets together in an open forum, and deals with its most difficult and painful issues and conflicts, does it begin to truly know itself and its purpose. Within this healthy atmosphere, the entire community is set free to work on strategy, action plans, business goals, contracts, etc. The community will learn that, if violence within the leadership ranks is admitted and addressed, it is far less destructive than if it is repressed. When violence is repressed among the leadership community, that violence will leak into the mainstream of the organization like a poison, after which it will be very difficult to eradicate. When the leadership does its community-building work, the deepest human connections and intentions are uncovered in a way that truly honors everyone in the entire organization, unleashing huge untapped reserves of energy to accomplish great things."

I wrote and sent this message out last June, but it became very relevant again yesterday, in a room full of the top 25 or so leaders of the company I'm working with in The Woodlands. We were at a meeting in Washington, DC, and they invited me to help them have a "Model II" meeting, as described below, and it was an honor to support them in doing so. I think it was a great start, D.M., and now comes the really hard leadership work - staying true to the commitments you made to yourselves and each other. And remember, "people tend to achieve exactly what they're committed to." Good luck, and let me know how I can support you and your team. And thank you for inviting me.


"… there are two types of organizations, which Chris Argyris calls Model I and Model II.

Model I organizations have institutionalized a form of self-censorship that is defensive and limits real communications. Instead of telling the truth, people in Model I organizations, which Professor Argyris believes make up the majority of businesses, express only those views that the institutional culture deems appropriate. If individuals in Model I companies believe they will be penalized for conveying bad news at a departmental meeting, for example, they will refrain from doing so. As a result, the organization will receive what Professor Argyris calls ‘invalid’ knowledge about its condition. When that happens, companies find themselves drifting further and further from reality. And when they get into trouble, they often do not understand why….

Model II companies, on the other hand, manage their conversations better. Rather than censor knowledge, they have found a way to promote it and get it heard. Model II companies - of which there are very few, in Professor Argyris’s view - differ from Model I organizations because they deal in valid knowledge. As a result, they are able to assess reality more correctly and solve problems as they occur. At the heart of this ‘learning gap’ is the difference between what Professor Argyris calls ‘theories espoused’ vs. ‘theories in use.’

Creating Model II companies takes work and discipline. People must feel secure about offering information, meaning that organizations must be transformed into places where it is safe to tell the truth. When that happens, managers can go about their real business, which is managing a company’s knowledge through its people."

My ordinary days

"You are always speaking in either flowery, syrup-y hyperbole and platitudes, or over-the-top, doom-and-gloom melodrama. Don't you ever have just an ordinary day? Aren't normal people's most days just ordinary days?"

-- B.M. in Austin

Yesterday morning I was on one of my weekly calls with my Austin-based coaching client and friend, B.M., and in the middle of one of our frequent energetic verbal sparring matches, he came out with the above line (or something very close to this), and I almost dropped the phone laughing. He is such a straight-forward guy who just flat-out speaks his mind, and I love it. He also informed me that he personally doesn't like the ordinary; he prefers the extraordinary, and he gets frustrated and bored with the "same ol' same ol'." So, B.M., I don't remember who said it, but our motto for today will be: "Argue for your limitations, and they are yours." When you work as hard as we have to learn what it means to really appreciate life, ordinary days tend to be extraordinary. So, in spite of whatever normal is, I wish you and me another extraordinary day.

Happy Anniversary, and a message renewal

Last March I sent out the message below, entitled "Transcending Our Animal Instincts", and it led to BMS calling me and leaving "Thank you for being alive." as his only words in my voice mail - best voice message ever! A month later, in fact on this day last year, we met for the first time in Austin, and now he is one of the most important people in my life. Then on Friday I heard from a new client/friend who seemingly has appreciated my messages, especially as they relate to the expanding definition of what it is to be a man today. S.C. honored me deeply by saying,

"Jim, I love your emails so much. I just read the last one to H. (his wife), and we both had tears in our eyes. I was telling her how great it is how you help men stop being men and she said maybe it is men becoming men. She is right. It is important that we have the right definition of what a man should be. It may be half the battle."

So, as a tribute to my one-year anniversary of knowing BMS, and as a sincere thank you to S.C. for his kind words, and in honor of the group of people (mostly men) I will be meeting with in Washington, DC on Wednesday, I offer last year's message once again. It seems more applicable, and more personally relevant to me, than ever:

Transcending Our Animal Instincts

Today I'm talking directly to the busy men's club that I used to belong to (there are women members, too, but this particular club is historically dominated by men), in fact was proud to belong to, and in fact, if I'm totally honest, still do belong to in many ways. And I'm reaching out with great compassion and humility, remembering the substantial number of you that I know and love in this club - people I care about deeply and respect immensely. When you step outside of the boundaries and rules of the club for a little while, you begin to see some things more clearly than when you were caught up on the inside of it. I want to offer a perspective on one of those things, in particular. In many ways busy businessmen are trapped unconsciously inside animal instincts that actually served them and their families thousands of years ago, and much of the time since then. We love to be out on the hunt (road warriors on airplanes), comparing our weapons (our fancy clothes, our marketing schtick, our electronic gadgetry, etc.), bragging about our trophies (our cars, boats, airplanes, etc.) and how well we are providing for our families (the size of our homes, the amount of stuff in them, our vacations, etc.), so much so that it can be really hard to see and understand the needs of new communities, families, and organizations that are showing up all around us, wanting us to, in fact demanding that we, be more than just hunters (providers). These communities are demanding leaders and stewards who can lift up the capabilities and welfare of the entire group as well as each individual in it - to be responsible for the whole. This is a role we do not have basic instincts to draw strength from, but that we can perform out of our hearts' knowing it is right and our sheer force of will, if we so choose. Unfortunately, it is not so easy as just putting down our weapons and giving up the hunt, because we all still need to eat, but our families, our communities, the global human community - they are calling us home. They are not asking us to provide more, they're asking us to be more. They are not asking us to defend or protect them from the world; they're asking us to make the world a safer place. They are not asking us to strategize new businesses or wars to secure their future; they're asking us to help make the future abundant and self-sustaining for all. They are not asking us to handle everything; they're asking us to teach what we know and learn what they know. They are not asking us to judge them or the world; they're asking us to find forgiveness in our hearts through forgiving ourselves for the past treachery we've unwittingly carried out in the name of duty and honor. They need for us to listen and to act boldly. They represent the future of the world. How will we respond?

"If compassionate toward yourself, you can reconcile the world."
Sun Tzu, author of The Art of War

The importance of being truthful

"A man who lies to himself, and believes his own lies becomes unable to recognize truth, either in himself or in anyone else, and he ends up losing respect for himself and for others. When he has no respect for anyone, he can no longer love, and, in order to divert himself, having no love in him, he yields to his impulses, indulges in the lowest forms of pleasure, and behaves in the end like an animal. And it all comes from lying - lying to others and to yourself."

-- Fyodor Mikhaylovich Dostoyevsky

Ah yes, the importance (and necessity) of personal integrity - being who you say you are. First, you must know it. Second, you must say it. Third, you must be it. Anything less causes internal self-degradation, leading to poor choices and actions, then to the pain that inevitably results from those poor choices, then to further self-degradation. There is no avoiding this simple truth, no matter how you might make it look for a while. I've learned this one the hard way. Truth in all matters, with yourself and others, is all that works and brings lasting peace.

Happy Easter, and Welcome Home, Joe, Christine, & Krista!

"Easter is not a time for groping through dusty, musty tomes or tombs to disprove spontaneous generation or even to prove life eternal. It is a day to fan the ashes of dead hope, a day to banish doubts and seek the slopes where the sun is rising (nice play on words, eh? :-)), to revel in the faith which transports us out of ourselves and the dead past into the promise of God's vast and inviting unknown."

-- Lewiston

Talk about ash-fanning, doubt-banishing, slope-seeking, sun-rising, faith-transporting, ... well, my good buddy, Joe, is just coming home from a week away in Italy, where he took his daughter, Christine, and her friend, Krista, for his daughter's birthday gift. As part of his Life Plan, I invited him to send a postcard to his wife, Barbara, every day while away, and he did me one better - he wrote a daily travelogue, (with pictures, no less), and sent them to her (copying me and others), and it felt like he took us all on vacation with him. And best of all, he sounded like he really enjoyed it. In fact, I got a wonderful surprise voice message from a very happy teenage girl (who I've never actually met) one evening while they were enjoying Rome together - father and daughter - and I could hear Joe giggling like a little kid in the background, and it really made me smile. Thank you, Christine, and I look forward to meeting you someday. Way to go, Joe, you did this trip with a sense of adventure, child-like wonder, and great style. Welcome home, my friend, and now let's take the spirit of Italy (and the fun you had with your daughter) as your spiritual guide into the creation of the rest of your life. Have a wonderful Easter with your family.