Patience

"There is no royal road to anything, one thing at a time, all things in succession. That which grows fast, withers as rapidly. That which grows slowly, endures."


-- Josiah Gilbert Holland

I am working with a rapidly growing number of very eager clients right now, and the work is very rewarding and very substantial. It requires deep roots in every case and lots of sunshine and watering over time. It would be unwise to rush any of it, even though I want to please, for I am a pleaser by nature. Therefore, this is as good for me as it is for them - the careful attendance to slow, steady cultivation and growth of lives worth truly loving, requiring that I care for and protect my own in the process. This is a process that is on God's clock, and I trust it. A dear friend of mine in Austin, with whom I will be attending a "seder" next Thursday, is teaching me that "the secret of life is to 'slow down' to look into the eyes of our children," so that they can take us on a journey of discovery and wonder. Well, yesterday I got to look into the eyes of 5-year-old triplets (hello there, K.,K., and K., it's SpiveyMan saying "Hi!" just to you), and this morning (very soon, actually), I will be running a 5K race with a friend with my little Jake cheering us on, thanks to Anne waking early and providing the support. What an honor and treat!

The importance of self-confidence

"The confidence which we have in ourselves gives birth to much of that which we have in others."

-- La Rochefoucauld

I thought of this one when I was sitting here at my computer yesterday morning, wondering whether my friends, C.S. & K.S., were ready to go out in the 30-something degree morning for their committed sunrise walk, and I realized that my feelings about that were attached to my own "wondering" if I was going to go out for committed my 4-mile run. Well, as I was heading downstairs in the chilly darkness, I realized how fragile my own confidence was that I was really going to get out the door, and it made me smile with compassion and empathy. Here's to my friends and our journey together in the study of "being our word." I am praying for you, and for all of us who are taking on big commitments designed to make our lives, our health, and our ability to live and love, better. I'm asking God to give us the courage, strength, and resolve to do what we said we'd do - both because it's good for us, and because we said so. In case you're wondering if I did it, yes, I did. I dragged my freezing, tired butt through the neighborhood for 4 miles, giving me 25 miles for the first 10 days of April, when I said I'd do 75 for the month, and I'm finding it's hard. But each time I get up, get dressed, force myself out the door, struggle through the first 10 minutes of bone-creaking warm-up, until I finally start feeling good, just as I see the sun coming up and hear the birds signing - in other words, when it's really hard to do it, and I still do it, I feel my confidence in myself and the world grow just a little bit more.

The having, rather than the pursuing, of happiness

"Happiness is only possible in the absence of the striving for happiness."

-- Chuang-tzu (B.C. 350)

For it is this constant "striving" that has us feverishly pursue those things that we think will give us "access" to happiness: fame, love, money, possessions, power, sex, etc., when only "being happy" gives us access to happiness. Imagine letting go of the "feverish pursuit" and instead taking the time to appreciate what we have all around us. For example, in the famous words of Calvin in Calvin & Hobbes:

"If people sat outside together and looked up at the stars each night in wonder (or walked hand-in-hand in the sunrise), I'll bet they'd live their lives a lot differently each day."

Sharing stories

"One of the most valuable things we can do to help one another heal and grow is to simply listen to each other's stories."


--Rebecca Falls

Someone asked me last week if I ever got tired of hearing so many stories from people, and they expressed amazement that I seemed so interested in theirs at that particular moment. The simple truth is that I love people's stories. They are windows into who people really are. My life stories are precious to me; they are all part of what led me to this wonderful place and time. They are essential ingredients of "Who I Am." And every person I meet has the most amazing stories to tell, and I especially enjoy seeing their faces when they experience some other person listening to them with fascination and deep respect. It is priceless to see people light up when they feel heard and sincerely cared about. I know that's how I feel when I'm telling one of mine (and I have lots of them), and someone makes it clear to me that they are genuinely interested. It's no coincidence that "story-telling" has become such a powerful leadership tool in the modern business world. There's a magical connection formed when people share stories, and in that space amazing insight and learning becomes possible. So, remember to cherish and share your stories whenever you can, and to really listen when someone takes the chance to share one of theirs with you. It's a great way to help both yourself and others "heal and grow."

Now, the reason I'm sending this message on this particular morning is that I had the privilege of doing a Life Plan "visioning day" yesterday with one of my dearest friends and longest-standing clients, and during the day (in the sun and wind strolling around a golf course) I got to watch his face and body come alive several times when he went deep inside himself and told some of his favorite stories - from his childhood, to his Navy flight training days, to his early career, to his love for his wife & family. It was truly magical, and I will cherish those moments forever. Last week was his 57th birthday, and I missed it, so I am so happy I got to celebrate him in this special way. Thank you, D.P., for being alive, and for sharing your wonderful stories with me. I feel like I know you better than ever, and it's a good feeling.

Do not despair, but rejoice in doing the work you were sent to do.

"One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Soul on deck shines like gold in dark times. The light of the soul throws sparks, can send up flares, builds signal fires, causes proper matters to catch fire. To display the lantern of soul in shadowy times like these - to be fierce and yet to show mercy toward others - both are acts of immense bravery and greatest necessity. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it. If you would help to calm the tumult, this is one of the strongest things you can do. There will always be times when you feel discouraged. I too have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it; I will not entertain it. It is not allowed to eat from my plate. The reason is this: In my uttermost bones I know something, as do you. It is that there can be no despair when you remember why you came to Earth, who you serve, and who sent you here. The good words we say and the good deeds we do are not ours; they are the words and deeds of the One who brought us here."



-- Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I had several people call me today looking for some spark of courage and inspiration to light their way in their interactions with others. They were feeling confronted by the world's chaos and their own sense of loneliness in the face of so much stress, fear, and denial. They were tired and wondering if their efforts were even worth it, if it wasn't just too hard. It's at times like these when God speaks to us, and He uses all kinds of channels to send just the right words. I got a beautiful message this afternoon from a friend in Austin, and imbedded in a moving excerpt he sent me from a recent book he read were these timely words that touched my soul, as I hope they touch yours, especially those of you who are seeking a life of appreciation, balance, integrity, devotion to God and family, and compassionate service to others and the world. Thanks again, R.A. Later, I went into my bathroom, turned the calendar to today's date, and there He was again:

"In order to truly and effectively communicate, we must take full responsibility for the nature of the space that exists between us and another person. It is that courageous, soulful space, or the absence of it, that will determine whether the communication is miraculous or fearful." Sound familiar, D.M.?

A study of habit

"I am your constant companion; I am your greatest helper or your heaviest burden. I will push you onward or drag you down to failure. I am completely at your command. Half the things you do you might just as well turn over to me, and I will be able to do them quickly and correctly. I am easily managed - you must merely be firm with me. Show me exactly how you want something done and after a few lessons, I will do it automatically. I am the servant of all great people; and alas, of all failures as well. Those who are great, I have made great. Those who are failures, I have made failures. I am not a machine, though I work with all the precision of a machine plus the intelligence of a human. You may run me for a profit or run me for ruin - it makes no difference to me. Take me, train me, be firm with me, and I will place the world at your feet. Be easy with me, and I will destroy you. WHO AM I? I AM HABIT." -- Anonymous

"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives." -- Henry David Thoreau

"Habit is the denial of creativity and the negation of freedom; a self-imposed straitjacket of which the wearer is unaware." -- Arthur Koestler

"First we form habits, then they form us. Conquer your bad habits or they will conquer you." -- Rob Gilbert

"Genius...means little more than the faculty of perceiving things in an unhabitual way." -- William James

"Habit is either the best of servants or the worst of masters." -- Nathaniel Emmons

"Good habits result from resisting the temptation to hate." -- Ancient Proverb

I met with a brother and sister yesterday who have been estranged from each other for quite some time - years, really. The primary reason for the long falling-out? Habitual negative "victim-thinking" on both of their parts about earlier circumstances in their relationship. This is not to make light of either's pain - it was real human suffering, involving depression, serious illness, financial strain - the things that make life crazy. But yesterday they got off to a great start in creating new habits with each other, habits of compassion, empathy, love ... the things that make life worthwhile. Our natural human tendency is to let our emotions blindly control us, rather than honoring them while choosing effective loving action that is true to our higher commitments, and then to isolate ourselves in our pain where those emotions get to stay in control. It's an often-repeated cycle of misery. When we step back a little we can see that our learned, habitual denial of that part of us that feels deeply wounded actually created that part of us that is designed to protect these wounds and keep them hidden, at all costs. We rarely seize conscious control of our actions when those sensitive buttons are pushed, but that doesn't mean we can't. It just takes time and repeated positive experience to create new and more effective habits. So, my first assignment was for them to go off together to have some fun in a place that's really beautiful - to get to know each other in their present state. After all, they are no longer the blindly hurting victims they were back then. It was nice to see their smiles at the thought of how far they've each come and how much is now possible (and they both have really great smiles). I have unlimited faith in you, A.M. & D.M., and I know you are going to really enjoy loving each other again.

Start with honoring your parents, and then continue.

"When the breach in the human soul that is 'self-rejection' remains unhealed, the individual, and thereby society, is open to all kinds of terrible evils. This is where the Hitlers of the world come from. And for every Hitler who rises to power, there are millions who consume themselves and die in quiet corners of the earth. ... Thus, in training disciples to 'hear and do' good works, a major point will often be to help them honor their parents. This is not something that can be bypassed. The training in question has clearly discernible stages. First, the individual must be honest about who and what their parents really are and how they feel about them. Then they must confess the wrongs of attitude and act they have done their parents and ask for forgiveness. Then they must accept their parents for who and what they are, having mercy on them, and forgive them. All of this will require careful advice and much prayer and perhaps intense personal presence by a guide or teacher on occasion. It will take a lengthy period of time in some cases, and the adult child must take care not to get caught in old damaging patterns of interaction with the parent: for example, trying to make the parent understand, or trying to have the 'last word,' or proving he or she was right. Such matters must be simply surrendered to God for Him to work out as He will. ... Similar teaching, training, and guidance must be given with reference to the other aspects of the disciples' lives: body, love and sexuality, marriage and children, success with work and jobs. The object in each case is to enable the person to be thankful for who they are and what they have. And much the same progression will be required: from honesty to acceptance to compassion and forgiveness and then on to thankfulness to God and the honoring of our lives and each other in all of the aspects indicated."

-- Dallas Willard, in The Divine Conspiracy

Back on my mother's birthday (3/23/03), I sent out a message called "Unveiling the human spirit," which came to me from this same book, given to me by a dear friend, that helped put Christian context behind my life coaching work. Coincidentally, I've been working with a number of people lately who have been struggling to reconcile relationships with one or both parent(s), and the temptation is to ignore this area of life as just too difficult, and not worth the effort. Also, most adults tend to live some distance from their parents, so the issue doesn't show up as "urgent." To people choosing to "opt out" of this work, while working with me to improve their lives, I have emphatically stated that there is really no choice in the matter. I spoke from my own experience and from pure instinct. I believe life is artificially limited to the extent that relationships with parents remain "incomplete" and "unresolved." Out of those conversations, and after calling the 82-year-old mother of the police officer I've been working with lately, just to say hello and let her know that I was thinking of her, I went back to this same book, not consciously looking for something on this topic, and lo and behold, this shows up - another context reinforcement and validation of what has evolved naturally (in other words, directed by God - yes, M.M., I get it). Truly amazing. Thanks again, R.L., for your quiet, relentless support. I love you, man.