Mind the gap!

I've been on the road for a few days now (on several airplanes and way too many trains), trying to fit in a number of different things (some business and some pleasure), and on the last day of the trip I'm beginning to feel a little bit sore and tired. This is right before my dear old friend, C.P., and I go out for a 5-mile run this morning, after playing racquetball (and getting my butt kicked) yesterday afternoon for the first time in 2 years with my new friend, J.F. I've been talking to various coaching clients lately about the importance of noticing "the gap" between your vision and your current reality in any area of your life where you seek change, because it is in this space where you will find the fuel for any important change effort in life. Well, in the physical realm of my life, where I am committed to staying fit, healthy, and youthful, so that I can be a fun and helpful partner with Anne in the parenting of our soon-to-be two little ones, as well as a fun friend for my two grown boys, I am fully experiencing that "gap" this morning. My marathon in January of 2004 is looking very far away, but the gap between these aches and the thrill of the vision of playing with my kids and future grandkids spurs me on. So, once again, thanks Jim & Mark (for being such cool guys), thanks J.F. (for rekindling my love of racquetball), and thanks C.P. (for keeping me focused on how much I "love life"). I am clear this morning about how far I have to go in this area, and I don't feel disheartened by it. And don't worry, Anne, I'm ready to come home and relieve you tomorrow so that Jake can finish the job (if not me) for the weekend. :-)

J.F., this is a nice way to welcome you into this email community and to thank you for inviting me into your life. I look forward to our next visit, and I hope to be able to return the racquetball "favor" to you sometime soon. Thanks for the motivating butt-kicking.

A tribute to my friends

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. 'Pooh?' he whispered. 'Yes, Piglet?' said Pooh. 'Nothing,' said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. 'I just wanted to be sure of you'."

-- A.A. Milne

Over the last few weeks, I have had a number of good friends - people who I really care about and feel very close to - reach out to me through email to ask where I've been and to say that they've missed me, and I am deeply touched by that. I feel a little frustrated (while still also gratified) that my life has temporarily gotten a little "busy" with a little more travel than usual (I'm in the DC area today after being in NYC yesterday, with a stop in New Jersey for dinner with my boys last night) and a whole lot of new coaching work. When this happens, it's always good for me to pause and reflect on all that's going on. Usually it's a combination of some really good things and some not so good things, and it's healthy to take time to examine it more closely. After all, this is what I'm committed to helping others manage better in their lives, so, "Coach, coach thyself!" While I do so, I want to say to these friends, and you know who you are, that I love you and miss you, too, and that "I am sure of you, and you can be sure of me." In fact, I take you with me everywhere I go, and your messages really matter.

The Sacred Journey

"We must learn to listen to the cock-crows and hammering and tick-tock'ing of our lives for the holy and elusive word that is spoken to us out of our own depths. It is the function of all great preaching, I think, and of all great art, to sharpen our hearing to precisely that end ..."

-- Frederick Buechner, in The Sacred Journey

I met with two brave men yesterday who just recently chose to call me to ask me to work with them as their life coach (a phone call and request that took great courage, accompanied by both excitement and a little bit of fear, I'm sure), and in each case the above theme was prevalent. Signals from "the depths" were coming into consciousness in their lives, "listening" skills were being sharpened or sought after, relationships were straining in the "unknown" of it all, and the whole process could be seen as both "holy and elusive," calling for nothing more from me than the acknowledging, honoring, and reflecting their "artistry," as they dug deep into their own souls to join hands with God in the co-creation of their life's masterpiece. This is a most "sacred journey" we are taking together, E.S. and L.H., and I am honored to be invited along for the ride as your mirror and scribe. I am moved and inspired by your stories and your trust, and I can already glimpse the breathtaking beauty of your emerging visions, the price for which is precisely the painful life experiences you shared with me, and I believe that at a future time when you've gained your own foothold on your destiny, you will see it as a really good deal - well worth the price.

Enjoy the show!

"Life is the movie we see through our own unique eyes. It makes little difference what's actually happening out there; it's how we take it and translate it into our own meaning that counts."

-- Dennis Waitley, in "The Winner's Edge"

I had a "movie" kind of day yesterday. With one client/friend, whose favorite movie is "It's A Beautiful Life" (which is one of mine, too), we reflected on the power that George Bailey gained (thanks to his wife, Mary and his guardian angel, Clarence) to see the meaning and purpose of life "during" his lifetime. This is a "romantic" version of the story of our lives. And then later in the day I met with another client/friend who was stuck in a more "tragic" version, and another movie, "American Beauty," came to mind, a movie that was stark, ugly at times, and graphic in its depiction of life's inexplicable chaos, but which ended with a similar lesson, this time after Lester's (the hero's) untimely death, at about the same age as George. At the very end of the movie Lester speaks to us from beyond the grave, and puts his difficult life into stunningly beautiful and simple perspective - making it clear that we get to make it up for ourselves whenever we choose to.

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me ... but it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst ...
And then I remember ... to relax, and not try to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. Don't worry ... you will someday."

-- Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey), in "American Beauty"

Let's heed the lessons of both George and Lester, while we're alive and healthy, and relax into the flow of our beautiful, wonderful lives.

Here I am, hard at work.

"Excessive anxiety, competitiveness, hostility, suspiciousness, all originate in the nursery years. That is why, if we want a world of peace and not violence, love and not hate, cooperation and not murder, justice and not selfishness, we have to learn how to make childhood a happier time. No nobler task could be pursued by our generation."

-- Loth Liebman

Here I am, hard at work on this "noble task," sitting with grandpa and watching Jake romp with his two cousins, Ben and Sylvie, in their grandparents' play room, complete with trampoline. Ah, happy childhood! It's really tough work doing this. :-)

I truly believe that if we want to achieve lasting happiness, then we must learn to use our brains to "choose" it more often, so instead of going out into the chilly morning air to drag my butt 3 more miles, I'm going to "choose" to carry this image of happy childhood in my head as I humm my way around the neighborhood for the last 30 minutes of my 480 minute commitment for March (with a few days left to go).

Let's see, for April, ... how about 600 (or about 75 miles)!

The most important work

In the midst of global chaos and conflict, where we are bombarded daily with grim images and words of destruction and hate, I thought an image of creation and love might be in order. Attached is a visual representation of what's going on inside my wife right now. Anne is doing the most important work there is, and I find myself on my knees and humbled - in awe of the whole process and lit up by the living presence of our newest little child. And yes, she felt those first little flutters of new life for the first time on Friday night. We'll know if it's a "he" or a "she" in a month or so, and we'll let you know when we do. Until then, "it" is the most beautiful little being, with whom we are totally in love. In fact, I found a poem that says it perfectly for Anne and me, modified slightly to fit our unique feelings for this perfect little life:

"Before you were conceived we wanted you.
Before you're even born we love you.
Before you're here an hour we would die for you.
This is the miracle of life."

-- Maureen Hawkins

Unveiling the human spirit

Ah, a miracle, I've found it. Thank you, R.L., for your gracious gift and your insight into what I needed at this particular moment. What do I mean by this? It seems lately that my Life Planning work has accelerated and intensified. I am now doing about 3 of these a week, and it has been both very emotional and uplifting. There is a growing clarity and understanding, as I now come to have done about 250 of these, of what it is that I am actually doing for and with another person. People constantly ask me, "What questions will you ask, so that I can prepare?" "What are you listening for?" "What is the 'self' you are aiming to describe in the section called 'Who I Am'?" "Is this who I 'should' be, because I can't really see 'me' in here?" "Can I leave 'feelings' out of this? I hate to get so emotional." "Where is God in all of this, and what's His take on it?" In the face of all of these and other questions, I have never had a clear response, until now. When I am with someone in this process, I am being with and listening for so much more than their physical presence and intellectual responses to things. And it is clear to me that the person is there because it is no longer an option to hide behind their learned behavior. It is a kind of "coming out," and I am being used by God as a spiritual guide to reveal to someone what is leaking out of them in this process, before it is consciously being allowed or cultivated. There is so much more going on than the obvious, to be sure, and I now know how to honor it more fully, because on Friday a good friend, with whom I've shared this gift and created a Life Plan, gave me a beautiful book entitled The Divine Conspiracy; Rediscovering Our Hidden Life In God, by Dallas Willard, and I opened (again randomly) and sure enough, there it was, the simple explanation I was looking for to share with others. Oh, and B.M.S., pay particular attention to the part about "childlikeness." This is something you have achieved, and that I so greatly admire in you, and now I have even a little more clarity about why that is.

"The spirit and the space most familiar to each one of us are contained in our own personality. The necessary path of understanding lies in reflecting on our own individual makeup. I am a spiritual being who currently has a physical body. I occupy my body and its environs by my consciousness of it and by my capacity to will and to act with and through it. I occupy my body and its proximate space, but I am not localizable in it or around it. You cannot find me or any of my thoughts, feelings, or character traits in any part of my body. Even I cannot. If you wish to find me, the last thing you should do is to open my body to take a look - or even examine it closely with a microscope or other physical instruments. ... To be sure, the brain is a relatively more important and interesting piece of flesh, but nothing of intellect, creativity, or character is to be found in it.

The very unity of experiences that constitutes a human self cannot be located at any point in or around this body through which we live, not even in the brain. Yet I am present as agent or causal influence with and about my body and its features and movements. In turn, what my body undergoes and provides influences my life as a personal being. And through my body, principally through my face and gestures, or 'body language,' but also verbally, I can make myself present to others. The human face, and especially the eyes, are not just additional physical objects in space. We say that the eyes are the windows of the soul, and there is much truth in that. They and the face and hands are areas in space where the spiritual reality of the person becomes present to others. There the inmost being of the individual pours forth, though of course the person is no more literally identical with his or her face or eyes than with lungs or toenails or brain.

Interestingly, 'growing up' is largely a matter of learning to hide our spirit behind our face, eyes, and language so that we can evade and manage others to achieve what we want and avoid what we fear. By contrast, the child's face is a constant epiphany because it doesn't yet know how to do this. It cannot manage its face. This is also true of adults in moments of great feeling - which is one reason why feeling is both greatly treasured and greatly feared. Those who have attained considerable spiritual maturity are frequently noted for their 'childlikeness.' What this really means is that they do not use their face and body (including their brain) to hide their spiritual reality. In their body they are generally present to those around them. That is a great spiritual attainment or gift. ... It is in persons, or 'selves' and their experiences of feeling, thought, and will - that we primarily come to know precisely what the spiritual is in us. 'Spiritual' is not just something we ought to be. It is what we are and cannot escape, regardless of how we may think or feel about it. It is our nature and our destiny."

One final thought on this very special day: Happy Birthday, Mom! Yours is a most beautiful and magnificent spirit, and I am so glad you're my Mom. Have a wonderful day!