Marriage as a source of personal strength

"As committed partners for life in the most important relationship of our lives,

we relish the beauty and strength of each other and our marriage.

We bring unconditional acceptance, "easy-chair" comfort, passionate devotion,

uncompromising honesty, integrity, reliability, safety, and a sweet tenderness to each other’s lives.

We celebrate with each other what it is to share our true feelings and be honored in the midst of them. ..."



Yesterday over lunch I met with a couple who are working hard to support each other's personal and career growth. It was a wonderful opportunity to use their relationship vision (which I helped them craft a year ago, a small piece of which is quoted above) as fuel for the husband to support his wife in a few major new project areas in her life. Suffice it to say, he was great in helping remind her how great she is, and it made for a thoroughly enjoyable and inspiring conversation. Here's to you, D. & M., and may you continue to "relish the beauty and strength of each other and your marriage."

The true law of compensation

"The more I know intimately the lives of other men, to say nothing of my own, the more obvious it is to me that the wicked do not ever really flourish, nor are the truly righteous punished. The ledger of the Almighty is strictly kept, and every one of us has the balance of his operations paid over to him at the end of every single minute of his existence. The absolute justice of the system of things is as clear to me as any scientific fact. The gravitation of sin and wrong-doing to sorrow is as certain as that of the earth to the sun. ... If law is operative in the physical, intellectual, and moral world; it is also operative in the spiritual world. God has given us laws - fundamental and eternal - by obedience to which we might enjoy the most abundant life, might keep our spirits free, and by so doing gain complete mastery over all things physical."

-- Charles Kingsley

How many times have I heard, "but, Jim, I can't just be a good person and do the right thing, because I have to compete with people who aren't and don't, and they'll gain an advantage over me. This is the real world, don't you see." Well, guess what? If you do whatever you think you need to do to get the physical result - to get the customer, or the deal, or the girl/guy, or the house, or the job, or the money, or the recognition, or the security - and you've disobeyed spiritual law in the process, then you haven't won anything, not even in the short-term when it might look to others as if you had won. God and you, and maybe no one else for the moment, will know better. You might even be fooled into thinking you had won for a very short while, but it will dawn on you in no uncertain terms before too long. But even more importantly, if you do the right thing, no matter what it looks to the world that you've received or not received for it, your reward will be the real thing you crave most deeply - that sense of abundance, freedom, and mastery described above.

Radical honesty

"A lie will easily get you out of a scrape, and yet, strangely and beautifully, rapture possesses you when you have taken the scrape and left out the lie."

-- C. E. Montague

In yesterday's meeting of the local men's group that I facilitate on a monthly basis, there were several men present who have experienced this phenomenon recently with their wives, and they shared their stories with the rest of us. It was inspiring, so much so that one of the men called me after the meeting to say that he had just pulled off the road to reflect on what had just happened, it was so powerful to witness. It was a clear case of radical honesty - men putting their "looking good" act second, risking everything to be straight and true in areas where they had let their integrity slip or were hiding something important - and it reflected what it is to be an honest man, committed to a life of integrity. Thanks, L.H., R.H., and W.P. for your courage and your example.

Choose your words carefully.

"A careless word may kindle strife;
a cruel word may wreck a life;
a timely word may level stress;
a loving word will heal and bless."

-- Unknown

We human beings can be so irresponsible and sloppy with our word selection. We often spray words around like bullets, not seeing how we attach our mouths like gun barrels to the cylinder of our deepest hurts, and then we just keep firing. The person who suffers the most from this sloppiness is not usually the targeted listeners, but ourselves, because we're usually wrecking the chance to experience the very things we say we care about most. We sabotage ourselves in such dramatic fashion when we fail to speak true to our highest intentions, which are always loving in nature. So, be sure to pay attention to the words coming out of your mouth. Use your head to serve your heart's desire. Think deeply - and with as much Divine guidance as you can hear through the noise of your own pain - before you speak. Ask yourself, "what am I really trying to accomplish here?", and then speak in a way that is loving and true and consistent with producing that result.

Since we're on this subject, and for those of you wondering how mother and son are doing after last night, it was a difficult, but a positive first step. I prayed before, during, and after. They invited me back next week, and I will gladly go. They kept taking two steps forward and one back when it came to word selection. I often felt powerless to make a difference when their hearts would lose control of their brains, which would then lose control of their mouths, but they always came back when I asked them to. It's really hard work to learn a new way to relate after so many years. Bottom line; I see God's hand at work in this, and I trust, and I can envision the much-deserved hug that the Mom requested coming real soon, and I can see the tears in the son's eyes, happy to have the much-deserved opportunity to love his mother again and feel her love, and I can see the day when the lawyers are glad to be told goodbye and the judge thanked for his patience and support. Until next week.

Forgiveness as a prerequisite to loving life

"He that cannot forgive others breaks the very bridge over which he himself must pass, for every man has need to be forgiven, along the pathway that leads to feeling lovable and loved."

-- Thomas Fuller

I'm meeting tonight with a 50-something-year-old son and his eighty-something-year-old mother who love each other dearly, but who've forgotten how to show it, ... so much so that they now find themselves embroiled in an insane court battle over who's right about something or other, as if that really matters in the grand scheme of things. I trust completely that they will regain their sanity; it's just a matter of time, starting tonight. As I was wondering what to share with them that might help them along in this process, I came across this beautiful piece of writing from a dying man, shared with some friends by his loving daughter. He was reconciling himself with life and with God, and sharing the process with his daughter. Immmediately I knew that here it was:

Date: Tue, 11 Feb 2003 12:30:38 -0600

Hello, as many of you know my father has been battling colon cancer since
last June 2002. First of all, I thank each and every one of you for all of
your prayers, love and support these past few months during this very
difficult time.

I wanted to pass along a short note my dad wrote about a week ago while he
was in the Methodist Hospital at the medical center. I think it is very
touching and wanted to share it with all of you.

Unfortunately, he passed away in his sleep last night shortly before 10PM.
Please read below if any of you are interested in attending a Memorial
Service we are holding for him this Saturday morning. We know that he is
in God's hands now and at peace with everything.

Love,
Suzanne (she's twenty-seven years old and expecting her first child)


This is her father Ed's last letter before he died:

This will be my last in a short series of cancer health updates. I've
tried to share with you some of the thoughts that came to mind as I passed
through different phases of cancer. Since I started in the last phase,
there wasn't much to share. I'm now at the end . . . and pleasantly at
peace.

I have no regrets, nor animosities. I realize that I could have chosen
millions of alternative paths, each meticulously laid out by God, with
limitless opportunities; but all along the way, I made choices that led to
this one.

God provided me with so much more than I deserved.

Starting with a loving family and a warm Wisconsin -- a place where you
could lie down in drift snow banks to make snow angels in the winter; hand
scoop fish out of Lake Michigan during their spring migrations; pick wild
berries in the summer; and feast on bratwurst in the fall.

My hometown tended to stay much the same over time. It had a population
of about 25,000 in 1850, and in 1950, and is pretty much that today.
People kind of like it that way. Some things do change. The old Rahr
Malting Company was bought out by Budweiser some years ago, but the cigar
store / newsstand / Karmel Korn still has its wooden Indian in front.
What's changed is that I got one too; but Ann doesn't appreciate its
beauty enough for it to go in front of our house.

Life has taken me to Madison, Wisconsin for college, then on to Illinois,
Iowa, Ohio, Texas, California, England, Florida, and back to Texas for
work. I made new friends and developed fond memories along the way. I
ask myself what were the best changes that occurred and the answer has to
be relationships and appreciation of God's beauty.

Building relationships just may be the greatest blessing of all. God
didn't send us here to be by ourselves. I think he meant for us to work
with others to create an even better world. If, at the end of a day, I
can look back on one solid, good thing I've done, it's been a good day.

Recognizing goodness and grandeur around us, provided for our enjoyment,
makes me feel pretty special too. I've traveled a lot in my life and seen
some special places in Kenya, Jamaica, Iceland, Australia, Germany, China,
Oman, and good ole Texas -- only to find that beauty is everywhere.
Whether it's a rose grown in your garden or the cascade of water down
Niagara Falls, beauty abounds . . . everywhere. And we have but to open
our eyes to enjoy it.

You've probably noticed that this update has a somewhat different beat
than the others. Well, I told you it would be the last. I'm dying soon.
I'm at peace. I don't feel that I've given up the fight for life in any
way. But rather, I've grown an appreciation for what gives that fight for
life meaning and value.

I've turned to God and found him looking me right in the face. He's there
for me and he'll be there for you. I hope my words will put peace in your
eyes one day. I hope you'll take a minute at the end of each day to think
of something good that happened that day . . . and look forward to the
future. Your best is yet to come.

Love,
Ed

Thank you, Ed and Suzanne, whoever you are, for your wisdom and generosity, and for gifting us with your precious words. We will do our best tonight to take good advantage in a way that honors your (and God's) deepest wishes - that we love life and each other the way He loves us.

... and speaking of faith in a bold vision

"We have now embraced a sacred journey to make the rest of our lives about contributing our talents and passion to helping people succeed together in their businesses, communities and, most importantly, their families. It is all about inviting a change in the way people interact with each other and the way things get done in the world, by changing who we are and how we interact. The reason for this is to do our small part in creating a more respectful and responsible society that is committed to leaving the world a better place than it was when we entered it.

We are now spending most of our time experiencing, learning, and coaching; experiencing joy through others’ success in helping others succeed. The first priority is to take good care of our lives, to invest ourselves in our own families and each other. This is how we learn to lead the richest lives imaginable, which leads to the inevitable conclusion that serving and supporting others in living this same way is all there is to do in the world. It is how we thank God for the privilege of life."

This is an excerpt from the vision for Revolution Consulting that I wrote over five years ago. I remember that Anne made me write it before she would be willing to help me with the business. She said I had to be crystal clear about it, so that she could understand it sufficiently to support it with her efforts. That was a very important stand for her to take, both for herself and for me. Well, we opened the doors of Revolution Consulting (it's really just the third floor of our house and the coffee shop down the street), on this date in 1998. It was a big and scary experiment for us. We had a vision that life could be about focusing all of our energy on all the good things we most cherish in life, which all exist in the realm of relationships, and that somehow, some way, a living could be provided through others' appreciation for this. It was a huge act of faith. And here we are, still going strong. The community, and the conversation, has grown in depth and richness. We have so much to be thankful for. Congratulations to us! How perfect is it that last night, at a going away party for a dear friend who is moving out of the country, we were surprised to see our very first Revolution Consulting customer, K.J., show up. He had flown in from Dallas to say goodbye to our mutual friend, P.V. - a classy gesture by a very classy guy. It made the evening very special last night, and it makes our celebration of our 5-year anniversary that much more sweet. Couple that with the fact that I get to have coffee first this morning with another of my very first customers (D.P. was K.J.'s COO in the company where I first met them both), who is also a current customer and dear friend, and you have perfect balance and symmetry. This has been the most amazing five years.

Faith

"To trust in the force that made and moves the universe is Faith. And Faith isn't blind; it's visionary. Faith is believing that the universe is on our side, and that it knows perfectly what it's doing. Faith includes a trusting psychological awareness of an unfolding force for good that is constantly at work in all dimensions of our lives."

Today I'm sending a first draft of a personal vision statement to a man some of you might remember from a short while back - a man who was on the brink of suicide in the aftermath of a very painful divorce from his wife and separation from his three children not too long ago. He described his situation very vividly to all of us back in November of last year, in the midst of a very sad holiday season for him and his family. Well, to make a long story short, he has chosen to live, and I don't mean just to survive. He has chosen to truly love his life (n fact, in that very spirit, he proposed to his ex-wife last week), to really seize responsibility for it (as evidenced by the Life Planning exercise he's doing with me now), and to turn his future over to God (a deep longing he's been feeling for some time now). It is a profound act of courage and faith. He might find the first reading of his vision statement a little daunting, because it describes a bold and very beautiful future, but he knows that that's what he's been promised all along; he just had a price to pay first. Here's to the future, R.H. It started Friday. If you like what you are creating, and you really get the power of the above quote, then you might want to share your vision statement with this community to help you breathe life into it right out of the gate. Just let us know. I'm sure we'd love to help you get some positive momentum toward what is surely going to be a much different year.