The challenge of truth-telling

"When a man lies, he murders some part of the world."

- Merlin, in the movie Excalibur

Ah, truth-telling, very tricky business. I really believe the above quote, but I've found that it's so much more complicated than the surface meaning of those words. What is our truth in any given moment, anyway, and what represents lying? It is another of those GREAT BIG QUESTIONS in life. Many people feel that if they say whatever's on their minds at any given moment, then that's telling the truth. But are we just our minds? Our minds tend to act on behalf of our egos, or vice-versa, depending on your perspective, but it is not all that's going on, is it? Aren't our immediate ego/mind responses to any given situation often covering up some deeper truths we might not feel like sharing in the moment, something about how we "feel" at a deeper, more visceral level? So, OK, there's the possibility of two things going on in the realm of truth at the same time. Now, don't we also have a higher spiritual place we occasionally (or more often, depending on our spiritual maturity) have access to, whether you call it your soul, your spirit, your connection to Christ, or the Holy Spirit - that place from which you can see things from a much broader, more harmonious and peaceful perspective? Isn't this a third place that holds some piece of truth, in fact, maybe the truest truth of them all. Now, if we can accept the possibility that any one of these, or all three, are places from which YOU can speak to another, doesn't telling the truth, or lying, take on a much deeper and richer meaning? So how do we really "tell the truth" when all of these things might be going on inside us at the same time? I don't have the answer to this question for anyone else, but I do believe that staying in the question creates a common place for us to connect with each other in a way that doesn't have to commit murder in the world.

What I have found for me, in my own unique life experience, is that accepting and honoring (and being willing to talk about) the first two places (not as "truth," but as what they are - vastly different human aspects of me) gives me greater access to the third, where Highest Truth (which is not really about me at all) lives and operates. I know I'm speaking the richest truth when it's obvious I have touched the heart of another, because when I reach that third place where truth lives, it only knows how to create and invite that much deeper connection, that much more substantive response. Sometimes it takes working through the conflict that comes naturally when I just blurt things out without much contemplation, and that's OK with me; it's all a part of my endless learning journey.

Perseverance

"We know that suffering produces perseverence; perseverence, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us."

-- Romans 5:3-5

Ah, this is the nature of my early Marathon training, especially now with my first illness thrown in the mix. Three days will have passed before I (hopefully) run again tomorrow. For the last 6 or 7 weeks it has been pure pain and suffering. I ran my first marathon in Houston in '94, in a total time that was slightly under 4 hours, while weighing 170 pounds. Then I ran the next one in Austin 15 months later in a little over 4 hours, while weighing 180. I am now a little over 200 pounds (a BIG man), almost 50 years old (an OLD man), with a goal to run next January at 180 again. I've logged 300 minutes so far in February, out of my goal of 360, and then my goal stretches to 480 for March, before I start tracking mileage in April. The fact that I have gotten off to a good start, thanks to the daily prodding of my support team, is calling forth my perseverance, which is a little weak at this particular moment, but I have faith. I know I will do this, although I don't know how. Anne just bought a new scale, and I swear it's mocking me.

For those (and there might be many) of you who couldn't care less about this, please forgive me. I write about it, because I already want to quit, especially sitting here sick and staring out at the rain, and the only way I won't is to talk about it - both what I'm afraid of, and what I'm committed to - and then tomorrow morning I get to choose.

Slow down when you need to.

"It is an ironic habit of human beings to run faster when we have lost our way."

-- Rollo May

Last night I started feeling sick, in the middle of a run and playground adventure with Jake, after a long and intense Life Planning day with an exciting new client/friend, and in the midst of final (and somewhat challenging) preparations for a 4-day trip to Austin (without Anne & Jake) with many exciting meetings with people I love. It was all too much, and my body was letting me know, as it always does, but I don't usually listen. My habit when these things gang up on me like this is to run faster, causing myself harmful and unnecessary suffering and being less than 100% present with the people I'm with. Eventually it catches up with me and has me collapse in exhaustion. I am reading the early signals this time and taking care of myself. When things start to become a little too difficult, like I'm fighting against the tide, I know. This is the time to listen to my body and slow down.

The wisdom of our children

"I decided to open up to people, and I learned a lot about my parents and myself. I won't relieve my stress by putting it on my friends or family anymore; now I can relieve my stress by myself, and I don't have to feel alone."

-- Kim, Age 11

I don't know who this girl is, but I sure wish I did. She reinforces my belief about the profound wisdom of our children. I have learned much of what matters most in my life from 11-year-olds. What led me to her was that I spent a good part of today working with a number of people who were feeling overwhelmed by stress, so I searched a Stress Management website I learned about a while ago, and there she was. This notion of the importance of opening up has been a recurring theme lately. Many of us live our lives so closed off, so carefully managed, packaged, and protected, thinking that our safety depends on it. We are discovering that the only safety worth having comes from deep soulful connection with each other and with God - it comes from letting go, from dropping our defenses, from sharing ourselves completely.

Another little P.S.; just as I was finishing writing the above, a message dropped into my mailbox from a friend, and in it was this little gem that I thought fit today's theme perfectly:

"I am too blessed to be stressed!"

Remember, the shortest distance between a problem and a solution is the distance between your knees and the floor. Take it from your closest 11-year-old.

Thank you, Kim, and thank you, T.A.

The nature and source of my ministry

"Your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts."

-- Rick Warren, from The Purpose Driven Life

"You often meet your destiny on the road you've taken to avoid it."

-- unknown

Yesterday I stood at one of my life's most painful thresholds and looked across. It was both painful AND liberating, an odd paradox. As I'm sure many of you who've known me for a long time have noticed, I have been talking about God a lot more over the last few years than ever before in my life. It is coming out of my reflecting on all the time I was lost in my own suffering, where I tried to "manage" my life's fears, pain, and shame on my own, rather than turn them over and allow myself to be used for God's purpose. In my past life, as a weak response to difficult surroundings I didn't understand, I would make up which conversations I was "allowed" to have and which ones would get me categorized as "unacceptable" in some way. I was so afraid of life, and life was not about being true to God, myself, or my beliefs, it was about "maintaining acceptability" in front of whichever audience I found myself, for survival's sake. I was like a deer in the headlights.

Well, a real "biggie" came up for me yesterday - a reminder of the nature and source of my ministry. As you've been reading lately, I have been working with some wonderful people in The Woodlands, and yesterday I had lunch with two very special gentlemen who are devoutly Christian in their beliefs. They have empowered me as both a business coach and as a life coach in their lives, their company, their families, and their community, and in the midst of my "calling forth their best" in their interactions with each other, their co-workers, their loved ones, and their neighbors, they challenged me to discuss my own personal relationship with God and with Jesus. In that very moment when the focus of our conversation shifted to me, my behavior, and my beliefs, every fear and doubt about myself was dredged up in the face of their question, and my face felt white-hot. I was right back in the place where my worst fears live. Was this just another way in which I was going to be found "unacceptable" in the world? Am I too "New Age," or worse yet, "Touchy-Feely," for these people? Am I going to Hell for being an imposter? What do I really stand for? Will I only be loved and accepted if I "behave" a certain way or "espouse" certain beliefs? Can I actually "be" my beliefs while stating them in an open dialogue with others, which would require me honoring and loving the people to whom I was speaking, even in the midst of their tough questioning and my own worst fears?

Well, I can honestly say that I am excited about how this conversation went. Not that I "performed well" or even answered their question definitively, because I did not. I know this conversation is not over by a long shot, and my journey of discovery continues, but the important thing for me was to be able to stand in the face of the question honoring the power of the question itself, as well as the intent of the questioners, as well as myself and my own deeply personal relationship with God, cultivated through years of healing, opening up, and re-engaging. For the first time, I found myself trusting completely that what was being said was a definitive "I love you" by all of the above. What a refreshing new perspective. I felt embraced and loved by the question, rather than attacked or threatened by it. I am coming to understand that my life is about the ability to live inside this GREAT BIG QUESTION, and the way I live my life, more important than the words I use to describe it, is the most important answer to it.

I have a long way to go on this journey. I am a child groping in the dark in so many ways on the subject. I want to thank these wonderful men who called me forth to be my best - who challenged me, inspired me, and loved me throughout the conversation, knowing there's much more to follow. It is clear to me that my life's ministry comes from the deep hurt of having abandoned my beliefs in the face of "business expediency," driven by the childlike need to feel accepted. God is clearly using this weakness of mine and my willingness to talk about it to teach others the way back. Driving back to their offices from our "business meeting," which is how the lunch started out, we pulled into an empty church parking lot, held hands, and prayed. We prayed for, with, and in total appreciation of each other. It was a fitting end to the most powerful business meeting I've ever experienced, and I felt completely at home.

Now before this experience took place yesterday, I had found the following piece that was going to be my full message for today. I think it's relevant to include it here as an addendum, because it is a clear reflection that "Mother" Waddles really got the message that, "Your most effective ministry will come out of your life's deepest hurts." I so relate to her great tag line below:

"I'm in the business of loving the hell out of people."

- "Mother" Waddles

For over four decades, the Reverend Charleszetta Waddles, affectionately known as "Mother" Waddles, devoted her life to providing food, hope, and human dignity to the downtrodden and disadvantaged people of Detroit. Founder, director, and spiritual leader of the Mother Waddles Perpetual Mission, Inc., a nonprofit, nondenominational organization run by volunteers and dependent on private donations, Waddles believed that the church must move beyond religious dogma to focus on the real needs of real people.
"We're trying to show what the church could mean to the world if it lived by what it preached," Mother Waddles told Newsweek. "I read the Bible. It didn't say just go to church. It said, 'Do something!'" In addition to operating a 35-cent dining room on Detroit's "skid row" that serves appetizing meals in cheerful, dignified surroundings, the mission offers health care, counseling, and job training to thousands of needy citizens. Still others benefit from an Emergency Services Program that provides food, clothing, shelter, and medicine. "We give a person the things he needs, when he needs them," she told Lee Edson of Reader's Digest. "We take care of him whether he's an alcoholic or a junkie, black or white, employed or unemployed. We don't turn anyone away."

Charleszetta Waddles was 36 years old and the mother of 10 children when she began what James K. Davis of Life Magazine described as her "one-woman war on poverty." Up until she was 82 she worked 12-hour days and remained on call throughout the night.

Footnote: Mother Waddles died on my birthday, July 12, in 2001. She was 89 years young.

Stretch yourself

"All greatness and growth are achieved while performing outside your comfort zone."

-- Greg Arnold


We spend most of the first half of our lives trying to find that place where we feel at least a little bit comfortable inside our own skin, and then just when we get to some level of appreciation of that feeling, we learn this fascinating new truth that dictates the boundaries within which we live the second half - that our enjoyment of life requires that we stretch ourselves beyond ourselves. What an interesting time it is when we come to that paradoxical threshold, and then learn to find comfort in our discomfort.

Days 24, 25, 26, 27

"The truth will set you free, ... but first it may make you miserable."

-- Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life, from "Day 24"

"It is the fire of suffering that brings forth the gold of godliness."

-- Madame Guyon, from "Day 25"

"My temptations have been my masters in divinity."

-- Martin Luther, from "Day 26"

"Hiding your hurt only intensifies it. Problems grow in the dark and become bigger and bigger, but when exposed to the light of truth, they shrink. You are only as sick as your secrets. So take off your mask, stop pretending you're perfect, and walk into freedom."

-- Rick Warren, from "Day 27"

My very dear client/friend, D.M., who I've spoken about quite a bit lately, gave me this book right after the New Year, and it is intended by the author to be used as an instructional series of exercises over a period of 40 days (www.purposedrivenlife.com). Over the last few days of this last week and the weekend, I have been focusing on days 24 - 27 in the book, and how timely. The chapter titles speak for themselves: Transformed by Truth (24), Transformed by Trouble (25), Growing through Temptation (26), and Defeating Temptation (27). The summary of the lessons I learned from these chapters is as follows:

"Truth transform us. Spiritual growth is the process of replacing lies with truth. ... God has a purpose behind every problem. He uses circumstances to develop our character. ... Every temptation is an opportunity to do good. On the path to spiritual maturity, even temptation becomes a stepping-stone rather than a stumbling block. ... Spiritually, our minds are our most vulnerable organs. To reduce temptation, we must keep our minds occupied with God's word and other good thoughts. We can defeat bad thoughts by thinking something better, ... and when it gets too difficult, God asks us to admit our struggles to a godly friend. We're not going to solve our problems on our own. Although it is humbling to admit our weaknesses to others, that lack of humility is the very thing that is keeping us from getting better."

While working with some of D.M.'s leaders, both in his company and in his personal life, I've been amazed to see the parallels and uncanny timing of the lessons in this book to situations in real life that we've all been working on lately. It is often difficult to apply such lofty and uncompromising ideals to our everyday lives, but this is a natural part of D.M.'s character, faith, and God-given purpose. Therefore, it is a moral and spiritual imperative. It demands everything of him, and of those he entrusts to lead in his world, and of those who support them, and that includes me as a coach, and what a worthy challenge. We all have the book, we all feel the relentless heat of it, and there is tremendous power in all being in this together. For me, it feels just like another Marathon challenge (oh, great!), only this one has much more at stake, and it's for life! Thanks for the push, D.