The subtle art of listening

"It is the province of knowledge to speak, and it is the privilege of wisdom to listen."

-- Oliver Wendell Holmes

"Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a powerful creative force. ... When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. Ideas actually begin to grow within us and come to life. ... When we listen to people there is an alternating current, and this recharges us so that we never get tired of each other."

-- Brenda Ueland

"An essential part of true listening is the discipline of 'bracketing,' the temporary giving up or setting aside of one's own prejudices, frames of reference, and desires so as to experience as far as possible the speaker's world from the inside, to step inside his or her shoes. This unification of speaker and listener is actually an extension and enlargement of ourselves, and new knowledge is always gained from this. Moreover, since true listening involves bracketing, a setting aside of the self, it also temporarily involves a total acceptance of the other. Sensing this acceptance, the speaker will feel less and less vulnerable and more and more inclined to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. As this happens, speaker and listener begin to appreciate each other more and more, and the duet dance of love is begun again."

-- M. Scott Peck, MD

I had several profound experiences yesterday of the intense and intoxicating beauty of deep listening, both as the listener and as the lucky person being listened to, and it inspired me to pay special tribute to this subtle and very loving art.

Importance of emotions

"In the last decade or so, science has discovered a tremendous amount about the role emotions play in our lives. Researchers have found that even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and ability to experience and communicate feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life, including the most important realm, your closest family relationships."

-- John Gottman, from Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child


Wow, how I've underestimated the importance of this area of my life, until recently. With the patient guidance of my wife and sons and a few dear friends, I am learning to empty out the well of things left unexpressed and to communicate my feelings as they happen, in a healthy and real way. I have a long way to go and much hard work, but the rewards - intimate connection with human beings who really matter to me - are well worth the effort.

Divorce is not the way out of suffering in one's marriage.

"One thing that is very important to know in a marriage is that there is always a way out of pain and suffering. And the way out is not divorce. No, the way out in marriage (no matter how bad things may get) is simply to put everything we have back on the line, our whole hearts and lives, just as we did the moment we took our vows (even though back then we couldn't have possibly known what we were doing). We must return to an attitude of total abandonment, of throwing all of our natural caution and defensiveness to the winds and putting ourselves entirely in the hands of love by an act of the will. Instead of falling in love, we may now have to march into it."

-- Mike Mason, from The Mystery of Marriage

Over the last 48 hours I've had a husband of one marriage, a wife of another, and the adult children of a third speak to me of impending divorce. They clearly were in pain and for that I have unlimited compassion, but as far as divorce is concerned, if you haven't experienced it firsthand, you don't know what you're talking about. As they spoke of it there was the suggestion that it was some final escape from pain - an action designed to put an end to it. That's nonsense; it is never that. Because there is no escaping yourself, and it is only you who causes your pain in relationship, not the other person. And when the relationship is put to death; you are still left with yourself and your pain. If divorce teaches you one constructive lesson in its lingering after-effects, especially if there are children involved, it is captured in the above message from Mike. Marriage is about abandoning (or better yet, conquering) one's own ego for love's sake, not protecting it from hurt. It is an act of faith and then continuous follow-up actions based on the sheer will to love. The ego cannot pull this off and cannot survive it.

Understanding life, health, and longevity

"Life is half spent before we even begin to know what it is."

-- Herbert (1651)

"We are coming to understand health not as the absence of disease, but rather as the process by which individuals realize and maintain a sense of coherence (i.e. sense that life is comprehensible, manageable, and meaningful) and their ability to function in the face of changes in themselves, their relationships, and their environment."

-- Aaron Antonovsky, Unraveling The Mystery of Health: How People Manage Stress and Stay Well

"You only hurt (and thereby age) yourself when you're not expanding and growing. Many people can't stand the thought of aging, but it's the crystallized thought patterns and inflexible mind-sets that age people before their time. You can break through and challenge your crystallized patterns and mind-sets. That's what evolution and the expansion of love (and life) are really about."

-- Sara Paddison, The Hidden Power of the Heart

I'm happy to say that more and more people are learning more and more about life and health and longevity at younger and younger ages than ever before. That makes me so happy for our children and for those of us who are willing to explore. We get to learn and teach right along with them. May we all enjoy a full life, a Happy & Healthy New Year, and many more to come.

May you uncover and honor your life's "real questions" in 2003.

"The real questions are the ones that obtrude upon your consciousness whether you like it or not, the ones that make your mind start vibrating like a jackhammer, the ones that you've 'come to terms with,' only to discover that they are still there pounding away at you. The real questions refuse to be placated. They barge into your life at the worst times - when it seems most important for them to stay away. They are the questions asked most frequently and answered most inadequately, the ones that reveal their true natures slowly, reluctantly, most often against your will."

-- Ingrid Bengis


As we move into 2003, "what are these?", or "where do we look for them?", you might ask. They often tend to be buried deep underneath emotions that constantly seem to be getting stirred up by the people we love, and who love us, the most. Our spouses, our children, our parents, our very best friends and most trusted advisors - these are the pot-stirrers that help us surface these "real questions." Finding them, bringing them to the light of day, giving up "knowing" the answers, and being open to new levels of self-discovery is hugely important work in the pursuit of loving our lives.

As we celebrate New Years Eve tonight, let's all remember to love our lives, each other, and the world - more than the need to escape them in the enjoyment of this one night. Be safe, drive careful, and have a great time.

Learning to enjoy it

"Life does not accomodate you, it shatters you. It is meant to, and it couldn't do it any better. Every seed destroys its container, or else there would be no fruition."

-- Florida Scott-Maxwell

Learning to enjoy it is the hard part, and that's a pure act of faith. Whenever we get on a roller-coaster, we put our faith in total strangers, trusting that in building and operating it they know what they're doing, and that we're safe. This allows us to enjoy being scared, and the more scared we are, the better. Life is the most outrageous roller-coaster ride there is, and surely we can trust that the Builder/Operator of this ride knows what He's doing. So let's enjoy it!

In the now

"Happy are those whose life is today."

-- Ayi Kwei Armati

I awoke this morning with my recent emotional storm having cleared. A lot of "cleansing of the countryside" has taken place in the wind and the rain. I gave a simple prayer of thanks, for both the storm (which was necessary) and the clearing, and I feel a sense of being alive, right here and now, and very blessed. It is a simple feeling and few words are required to share it, other than "welcome to this day." And Jake will be up soon to teach me how to stay "in the now" for a few more hours, and he's a good teacher. :-)