The search for intimacy

"The lives of most people are histories of their search for intimacy, of their attempts to be socially, physically, and emotionally close to others. It includes the total offering and the total acceptance of whole people, not just the superficial interaction of fragments, whether in a sexual encounter or in intellectual 'small talk.' ... Intimacy is an enduring relationship between two whole people. It includes communion with one's innermost self and union with another in emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual ways. ... Lasting, rewarding intimacy with self and others is the result of wise and disciplined living, not the blind pursuit of quick and easy indulgence of appetite."

-- Victor L. Brown, Jr., Human Intimacy, Illusion & Reality

This rings so true for me in my own history. I remember thinking (but never saying) that the world's purpose and my education was to learn how to satisfy my needs for freedom and fun, which I thought would be delivered by money, power, and sex. The idea of being really close to another human being, of being intimate, was totally foreign to me. I didn't see at the time that that was because I was seeking those things to give me a feeling of wholeness I didn't have, because I felt fundamentally broken. I work with many couples today who are at an impasse, considering divorce because one is not getting enough power, the other is not getting enough sex, or there's never enough money. I can see where I failed before, and where I still have room to grow. This pursuit of our own wholeness "at the expense of" another is "not it" in marriage. We stay distracted from our own task by constantly finding fault with our partner's approach. If marriage is designed for two whole human beings, how many of those are out there? Check in with me please. Knowing that we all feel broken to some extent, marriage can become a place where we share our journey toward wholeness, and then share that wholeness once we gain more frequent glimpses of it. Once again, we can love life as a pursuit of a grand vision rather than measuring ourselves harshly against an illusion.

Supporting great dreams

"Take into full account that great love and great achievements involve great risk ..."

-- the first of the Dalai Lama's "Instructions for Life"

I am supporting many people out there who are pursuing great dreams with their lives, whether saving or starting very important relationships or creative business enterprises. These huge undertakings are natural expressions of the great love in our hearts - love that is often bigger than we are and beyond our full understanding ... love that requires our complete surrender. The risks are many - of embarrassment, failure, heartbreak, humiliation, creating controversy, looking stupid, losing everything, etc., and yet these people (and I) carry on. Here's to all of us who are pursuing great dreams, for making it through what I know has been one of the most challenging, difficult, and uplifting years of our lives. It is the work, and life, for which we've been born.

Servant leadership attributes

"A true servant leader has the confidence to stand alone, the courage to make tough decisions, and the compassion to listen to the needs of others. He does not set out to be a leader, but becomes one by the quality of his actions and the integrity of his intent."
-- Unknown

"The better we feel about ourselves as people, the fewer times as leaders we have to knock somebody else down to feel tall."

-- Brian Lanker

I spent time yesterday with several business leaders I really respect. The conversations would naturally gravitate back and forth between criticism and judgment of people in their organizations and deep listening for ways to help others and improve things for all, which clearly revealed the extent to which these leaders felt good about themselves as leaders. Once that was out on the table, and the natural "fear of inadequacy" we all suffer from was exposed to the light of day, those leaders would immediately own it and shift to a healthier perspective and a more service-oriented attitude. When we are clear that our opinions of others is a reflection of our relationship with ourselves, we are freed up to choose actions that make a difference. As we learn to see and have greater compassion for ourselves, the circle of our compassion for others becomes wider, and our personal power to make things better expands.

Finding those "somebody"s

"Our chief want in life is finding those 'somebody's who will make us do what we can."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

My wife makes me communicate my feelings and my problems BEFORE I have them resolved, which creates the intimacy I most want in life, which I CAN do, but resist.

My sons and family make me face my own past actions, choices, and consequences WITHOUT excuse, guilt, or shame, which creates the self-acceptance that I most want in life, which I CAN have, but resist.

My friends and spiritual guides (you know who you are) make me honor myself completely and be 100% responsible for my own health and well-being, which creates the feeling of being fully alive, which I CAN celebrate, but resist.

Thank you to all of you wonderful "somebody"s out there who push me beyond my own resistance, for my own benefit. And to those of you for whom I play this role, you are very welcome.

The Mystery of Marriage

To those of you I am talking/working with now, or have in the past, in the realm of marriage, I have found the most amazing web site that captures the profound conundrum that is marriage in a way that left my brain hurting and my heart sighing. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did and are provoked into deep feelings and thoughts that strengthen your marriage:

http://www.wunderfool.com/reading/QMysteryOfMarriage.htm

Love,

Jim

The Alchemist

"The alchemist is one who learns the secret of turning everyday situations into gold, who learns how to make every situation serve him."

-- John Kehoe

This is clearly not a distinction I have mastered yet, not by any stretch, but I am a devout student of alchemy as a metaphor for a new way of life - the understanding of how to create/see the pure gold in all of life's situations, even the baser ones. As a result of last week's emotional roller-coaster ride, and all of the accompanying fears and panic, I am experiencing such a goldmine of after-effects, so much so that I can see the absolute perfection, and downright necessity, of last week's experiences - all of them, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Relationship reminder

"It's so easy to blame our partner, or an issue, or an argument, fight, or disagreement for our unhappiness. The truth is, however, that most of the time the real culprit is our own stubbornness - our unwillingness to let go of something, to admit we were wrong or partially to blame, or to give up the need to be 'right.' If we can drop our defenses, tame our ego, and let go of our stubbornness, it's remarkable how quickly most issues will resolve themselves, painlessly and without too much effort. The key seems to be a steadfast belief that it is our stubbornness, not our partner, that is the enemy. Happiness and success lies not in 'right'-eousness, but in humility."

-- Richard & Kristine Carlson, from Don't Sweat The Small Stuff in Love

This book was a gift from a friend last night at the monthly Marriage Commitment Group I facilitate here in town. This was our holiday party. I was very into marriage conversations yesterday, in the midst of helping a couple in crisis over the weekend, struggling within my own relationship to learn from my all-too-frequent mistakes, and then celebrating marriage with a wonderful group of committed friends. When I got home and opened this little book, I once again flipped it open randomly, and my eyes fell on the passage above. Divine guidance, ... again. My prayer today is for all of us who are working so hard to have our marriages not only survive, ... but thrive.

Honoring life's higher purpose

"The purpose of life is to grow into our perfection. Once we call on God, everything that could anger or scare us is moved out of the way. Why? Because the place where we go into anger or fear instead of love is our inner wall, that place inside us where God stands ready to tear it down upon our request. Any situation that pushes our buttons is now clearly identified as a situation where we don't yet have the capacity to be loving, and it's there where we have our deepest work to do."

-- A Course in Miracles

As my dear friend, B.M.S., taught me last week, EGO is that place where we Ease God Out. And the opposite of this is "Adonay," a Hebrew proper name for God, which translates to English as "I don't know," that place from which all things are possible.