Managing your speaking and listening about and to others

"Believe nothing against another but on good authority, and never report what may hurt another, unless it be a greater hurt to conceal it."

-- William Penn

An oversimplification to be sure, but the message behind these few simple words is powerful, and the model of effective behavior in the speaking and listening about and to others is simple. 1) Don't give blind credence to gossip. 2) Don't gossip yourself. 3) Proactively create an environment that dispels hurtful gossip, lies, and secrets. Corporate gossip is a huge energy drain that wastes time and money. When gossip is unconsciously promoted or tolerated by leaders, people rarely say what they have to say to the person who can make the biggest difference with the information. That way they don't have to be responsible for anything that doesn't suit them. If you find yourself talking about someone else who is not present, a simple question to ask yourself would be, "Would the person I'm talking about feel hurt by me if they overheard my conversation?" These simple thoughts can help leaders create a culture of powerful (vs. harmful) conversations, honor, trust, and truthfulness. And it is these cultural attributes that best enable people to get "the right things" "done right" in any organization.

Temporary, but much needed meltdown

"Make sure your moral fiber remains intact as much as possible today. Taking the easy way out (by ignoring deep personal truths and working too hard on external things) won't do you any good in the long run. The truth may hurt, but a house of lies will be even more dangerous when it finally collapses. The first skirmish of your latest crusade is sure to be an uphill battle, facing and communicating the truth, but luckily others will thank you for your efforts. Thinking of all of the people who will benefit from your fight should be adequate motivation."

-- my Horoscope for yesterday (I never read these, but did yesterday), sent to me through Yahoo's e-groups

Boy, if this one doesn't say it all. I had the most amazing 24 hours, from Noon on Wednesday through Noon on Thursday. I was visited over that period by a very dear friend from Austin who requested that I work on a Life Plan with him. I "fit it in" during a very busy week, that just happens to be part of a very busy month, that just happens to be leading up to a very hectic holiday trip, while my financial situation looms very "iffy" at this moment. It was a disaster waiting to happen, and then it blew. It started out the way they all tend to start out. I felt very centered and grounded and sure of myself, more than happy to extend myself for someone and give my best. I truly love doing it. But then messy human emotions showed up, and then time got crunched, and then my integrity came into question with my scheduling of other things the next morning, and then my own life got messy, which I couldn't hide, because we were at my house, with my family, and a wife that lets me know about it when I'm not being who I say I am. I couldn't play "good-looking coach" in front of a "deferential client." This one was even courageous (and loving) enough to let me know that my distractions and lack of focus were disappointing him and pissing him off. Thank you, B., for considering both me and you important enough to say this. My carefully managed facade got blown up in agonizing, colorful fashion. I could no longer suppress my own emotions, so they blew. And then, in the face of my agony, and embarrassment, and guilt, I finally surrendered. Another damn intervention. God stuck His hand in my business again to remind me that this wasn't quite it. The details of the really good stuff that came out of the surrender are not the important message here. They are what they are, and I will appreciate and marvel at them for days to come. The real message is how hard and ugly this work can be sometimes, but how essential it is. This friend invited me to experience, express, and share my emotions and fears, which simply reminded me of my commitment to myself, my wife and family, and this community, because I know deep down, at some place on the other side of my embarrassment and humilation, that it serves me and others deeply. When I share it, I can let it go. So here I am. While focused on having a life I love and loving the people in my life with the best of me, I am currently working too hard, over-extending myself, scared about where I'm going to get the $15,000 to carry us through December & January bills, holiday gift-giving, the big January tax bill, etc., wondering how I can make it all work without compromising my vision for my life in some fundamental way. In the midst of it all, I am becoming painfully aware of how I don't take care of myself. OK, God, I get it. I've been wrestling with this one on my own for too long. I don't know how to do it. It's too big, and I am turning to you for instruction and support. Because I don't have a clue how to do this. Please continue to teach me and use me, but be gentle today. I'm still a little raw from yesterday's lesson. And thank you, A. & B., for being the angels to deliver the message to me in such a powerful way. For those of you who have been calling or looking for me, wondering why I haven't been as responsive as usual, I am sorry for being so difficult to reach. I have been doing the hard work I must do to have any credibility or usefulness in helping you with yours. I also know you care about me and want to know that I'm OK. I really thank you for that, and I am.

The great opportunity

"Life can only be understood backwards. But it must be lived forward."

-- Soren Kierkegaard

There are so many bold and wonderful dreams out there in the hearts and minds of so many great visionaries. These dreams are often born of our spiritual memories of perfect understanding, projected forward into visions of our (and the world's) physical future. They can remain forever bound there in dreamland if they are not lived out into life in our daily interactions. This requires superhuman courage, the creation of brand new relationships with ourselves and those we love, unbounded by memories of past life experiences. We do this through a sacred partnership with God in our own re-parenting. He provides us our perfect "backwards understanding." Only from this dream place can we see those "Merlins" he sends into our lives and uses on our behalf - those angels who are there to support us. These braves souls will stand out there in our dreams and beckon us forward (and at times they can be damn irritating). It is only when we choose to utilize their "backwards guidance" AND take our own bold steps forward into life that we fully experience our dreams becoming reality.

Love living; it's all you really have.

"Cultivate the ability to love living. Love people, love the sky under which you live, love beauty, love God. The person who loves becomes enthusiastic, filled with the sparkle and joy of life. Then he allows it to overflow with meaning."

-- Norman Vincent Peale

There is a little 8-year-old girl I know in Denver, named Yamini, who along with my own little buddy, Jake, is a personification of this wonderful trait. Here's an example of what I mean, sent in recently by her Dad, Bipin:

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Sent: Monday, December 09, 2002 10:51 AM
Subject: What have you done to my family?

Jim

You will enjoy this.

Yesterday I was with Yamini in her room. Of course her room was a mess. I told her that this is unacceptable. She needs to keep the room clean. She told me to stop yelling. I said fine. I will not say a word until you ask me.

She said, Daddy I know there is another Bipin inside you who never wants to yell. Let him come out. You know that NFL game you watch? You have been holding on to this artificial Bipin like an NFL player holding the ball too long, not wanting to let it go.

I shared this with Shashi and Winnie this morning. We all had a laugh and were so amazed at the maturity of Yamini.

Shashi says hello.

Regards

Bipin
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Out of the mouths of babes... They see things, and us, so much more clearly and simply than we do. Say hi to Yamini for me. I miss her and all of you.

Love,

Jim

Free yourself!

"Be not a slave of your own past - plunge deep into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall both explain and move beyond the old."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have such tremendous respect for people who take this on, and in my more conscious and courageous moments I like to consider myself one of these people. They are liberated souls who have freed themselves from the blind, repeating patterns of their past. It is really hard work to go this deeply introspective and to be 100% responsible for your own life experience, not blaming anyone or anything for your past choices, but this is the only way to be free. There are some of you out there who just simply get this, and you have taken your work on without complaint, excuse, or hesitation. You are my heroes, and you know who you are.

It's more than planning.

"No matter how carefully and well you plan your goals, they will never be more than pipe dreams unless you pursue them with great gusto."

-- W. Clement Stone

I meet with two different teams of people today creating two different new enterprises. They are both heavily into planning their respective futures. They are creative, experienced, smart, and talented people, all of them. Their future does not depend on the care, comprehensiveness, or quality of their planning. They know how to plan, and it will be done effectively. But in each case they are entering new markets that are overflowing with people who have left one world (the world of companies and jobs) to enter another, that of the entrepreneur. Their success will be based on the degree to which they capture the magical essence that is who they are and why they came together - that spark that lights each of them up with outrageous enthusiasm. The degree to which they can be authentic, and wildly enthusiastic about it, that is the great (and possibly only) differentiator.

Putting it in the language of "the revolutionary:"


"Deep within us dwell those slumbering powers; powers that would astonish us, that we never dreamed of possessing; forces that would revolutionize our lives if aroused and put into action."

-- Orison Sweet Marden

Seeds of change

Just as I was sending out the message yesterday about coaching providing some of the food and water, air and sunlight, in support of a person's natural growth process, I received this little poem from a dear friend in Colorado. He's an IT architect/businessman by trade, a poet by nature, and he's breaking out. I asked him if I could share this with all of you, promising I'd share responses back with him, so please let Steve know what you think. When we take the risk and put ourselves out there in the world, it's always nice to know how our very personal gift landed with others. And Steve, I was going to use your initials, S.C., instead of your name, but it hit me that as a published poet, you would want your name out there.

Plant Food

These seeds of change, I was told, would fulfill every dream I could know.

I planted them though they required the tears born of my greatest fears to grow.

Returning from the well I found it was I who had become nourished and the seeds were gone.

Steve Cichosz
December 6, 2002