Coaching is a loving and respectful waiting for "what's happening" to unfold.

"We have what we seek; it is there all the time, and as we give it time, it makes itself known to us."

--Thomas Merton

It is becoming more and more obvious to me with each new coaching relationship that when people seek me out to help them achieve some dramatic new goal, or to radically change something about themselves, or to produce some amazing new result in their lives, they already have ALL of the ingredients to do so within themselves. This is true by definition. They wouldn't be seeking it if it wasn't something where the full set of ingredients were already there. It's not that they seek the "creation" of it, but rather the "experience" of its unfolding. They need nothing from me, other than possibly some love, patience, and a little bit of light to more fully appreciate it as it unfolds. All of the ingredients that make up the full-grown tree are in the acorn, except for the soil, rain, sunlight, and time. Much of the "power" of coaching is in the very attentive and deeply caring "waiting without complaint."

Simple rules for building "disciplined happiness"

"The work will teach you how to do it."

-- Estonian proverb

(So, choose what you'd like to do, or feel called to do, and get to work at it. You will learn and get continually better.)

"The important thing is to never stop questioning."

-- Albert Einstein

(The more you learn, the more there will be to learn, so enjoy the process of lifelong inquiry. You will never, ever, be done.)

"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis."

-- Margaret Bonnano

(There is no guarantee of anything; there is only now. Happiness is a choice in each present moment. Enjoy as many as you can.)

"When we have been wounded by Life, we become vulnerable to new life, new learning. We are transformed into 'beginners' again. Becoming a beginner at living again, we remain open to new discovery and develop new talents and skills at managing our lives."

-- Lloyd Thomas

(Repeat as needed.)

I believe.

A great philosophy for life (that "I believe") sent to me by a great friend:

I believe - that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe - that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe - that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I believe - that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe - that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I believe - that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I believe - that you can keep going, long after you can't.
I believe - that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe - that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe - that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe - that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe - that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I believe - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe - that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe - that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I believe - that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe - that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I believe - that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I believe - that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I believe - that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I believe - that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.
I believe - that credentials on the wall do not "qualify" you and they certainly don't make you a decent human being.
I believe - that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon, so you should cherish them now.


-- Anonymous

P.S. I believe - that the world is a breathtakingly beautiful place, even with all of the craziness that plays out here. It's all a matter of one's perspective at the moment. For a deeper appreciation of this view, or just a different perspective, check out http://landsat.gsfc.nasa.gov/earthasart/

Finding my peace

"The search for God is a lifestyle choice based purely on faith, not a carefully planned career decision. Fill your mind with the meaningless stimuli of a world preoccupied with meaningless things, and it will not be easy to feel peace in your heart. Fill your mind with the things God has given to you and requests of you, and peace will flow into you like water into the ground."

-- A Course in Miracles

I am so amazed at how completely untethered and out in the wilderness I feel these days, as it relates to career or job security as I once knew it. I say that somewhat "tongue-in-cheek," realizing that "Life Coach" is slowly becoming a readily accepted, mainstream "job" these days, and yet it feels nothing like a job or a career to me. What I do have, and treasure, is my freedom and the peace that comes with surrendering to a Higher calling - to a life of service. My life, as my dear friend Bill once predicted it would be, is all about "asking questions and telling stories." God has given me certain gifts - a big heart that feels things deeply, a great capacity for caring and compassion, an ability to empathize with and relate to people, an ability to articulate and communicate love powerfully, courage to share myself openly and honestly with others, the ability to sit in the middle of emotionally charged, complex situations and "see what's really going on," and some amazing energy and stamina. I am immensely grateful, and yet I understand the responsibilities that come with these things. In exchange for these gifts He has requested that I serve the people He brings to me by reminding them of their own unlimited capacity to celebrate their lives, to discover and express their own unique gifts, and to richly serve others and the world. This is my life choice - to serve this calling based purely on faith, and to accept whatever challenges show up in the face of my own fears. Those fears can be daunting and some are common to so many of us - like the fear of not being able to meet significant financial obligations and responsibilities in the midst of a difficult economy. For me, it can feel especially challenging when I don't "charge fees," but instead leave my "compensation" in the hands of those served, to the extent they feel served. This feels like lunacy at those times when I'm most scared, like when a college tuition payment is due, or when I talk with Anne about us having another child. One of my biggest fears is that by openly communicating this calling I will show up to others as arrogant, condescending, delusional, self-righteous, or just seriously weird. That is exactly why I am deliberately communicating it to you - to overcome my fear of my own power and responsibility in the world. In our coaching relationships I invite so many of you out there to own your power and responsibility, whether in your marriage, your family, your community, or your work. I invite you to take risks and to "show up" in your lives, following your heart. What kind of coach would I be if I didn't walk my talk on this subject and put myself out there to you?

Experiencing and sharing the love that exists in this community

"Love exists in as many ways as there are angles of the sun on the ocean."


-- Greg Greenway

I am blown away this morning by the deep feeling of connectedness I share with so many of you. I had several experiences yesterday that reminded me of the immense positive energy that is generated when you simply remind people that they are not alone, that they are worthy human beings, and that they are loved exactly as they are.

The exclamation point of my day came when I received the email below from my friend, J.P. - you remember, the friend whose sister was suffering and for whom I asked all of you to pray. Well, many of you responded, and I shared those responses with J.P. over the last few weeks. He wrote the following yesterday:

"Jim:
Reading the responses from others in your network to your emails and messages is becoming more moving than reading the original messages. I think over the years now, your messages have become a daily event that has become routine. Reading the responses has the impact that your first 50 or so emails did. And it reveals the Human power in your sphere that I don't view through the straw that is our email connection. I get the sense of one of your retreats. It's incredible. There's something really, really important here.

- J."

Your silent prayers and thoughtful reaching out touched another human being very deeply, and he in turned touched his sister very deeply. He described to me how she cried when your messages were read to her. It will make a difference in her life, somehow, I know it. Thank you all for participating in this grand human experiment, whether as a casual observer, an avid reader, or an inspired writer. It all matters and, as J. said, it's really, really important, in that we are discovering new ways to celebrate what is good and wonderful about the human spirit.

Self-leadership

"Discipline is the difference between the dreamer and the doer. Many people can visualize a bold future and tell a good story about what they are going to do. Some even set out to put their good intentions into practice. But few people are able to stick to their plans. ... Authenticity means 'being true to me.' And it's hard work. Getting real is tough. Staying real in relationship with others is even tougher. It's a lifelong struggle to keep peeling back the layers of my external actions to get to my inner self and then to express who I really am in the world in a way that makes a difference, for myself and others."

-- Jim Clemmer

God, how perfect is this for those of you with whom I am in the midst of life planning. Hasn't this been the big conversation? How do we find the discipline to stay true to ourselves in the midst of life's distractions and melodramas? I have found that those who seem to "make it," whatever that means, seem to be the ones who make up that their lives depend on it - on finding and maintaining that discipline. They view it as "life or death," and when you think about it, in some ways it truly is.

How good do we have to be?

"Life is not a trap set for us by God, so that He can condemn us for failing. Life is not a spelling bee, where no matter how many words you have gotten right, if you make one mistake you are disqualified. Life is more like a baseball season, where even the best teams lose one-third of its games, and even the worst team has its day of brilliance. Our goal is not to go all year without losing a game. Our goal is to win more than we lose, and if we can do that consistently enough, then when the end comes, we will have won it all.

In the beginning, in the infancy of the human race as in the infancy of an individual human being, life was simple. Then we ate of the fruit of that tree, and we gained the knowledge that some things are good and others are bad. We learned how painfully complex life could be.

But in the end, if we are brave enough to love, if we are strong enough to forgive, if we are generous enough to rejoice in another's happiness, and if we are wise enough to know that there is enough love and forgiveness to go around for us all, then we can achieve a fulfillment that no other living creature will ever know.

We can re-enter Paradise."

-- Harold S. Kushner, the last few paragraphs from How Good Do We Have to Be?

This quote is offered in compassionate acknowledgement of how hard we can be on ourselves at times, and as an invitation to become more gentle and understanding, relaxing into the paradoxical awareness that walking the path of self-improvement requires self-acceptance.