Honoring the holiday blues

"All our lives we will be subject to sudden small reminders
which will bring all the old loss back, sometimes overwhelmingly.

But time does restore to us our quiet joy in the spiritual presence of those we love,
so that we learn to remember without pain, and to speak without choking up with tears."

-- Elisabeth Watson

Dedicated to those of you who have lost someone dear this year or who suffer from some vague sense of melancholy (the so-called "holiday blues") that haunt most of us from time to time. Here's reminding you that your feelings are important and are understood by others, and that you are deeply cared for in the midst of them.

Staying powerfully present

"To stay powerfully present to others, whether you are physically with them or not, requires a focus on leaving every interaction 'complete,' with nothing of significance remaining unexpressed, and no upset remaining unresolved. When we leave 'disconnectedness' with others hanging, it grows and finds expression elsewhere, and soon requires more patience, time, and work than we usually have (or are willing to give) to clean it up. In today's busy world, when there appears to be so much time pressure on all of us, getting complete can sometimes be as simple as a few sentences: 'Please, I see where I've messed up here. I want to complete this conversation with you in a way in which you can really see that I am listening to you and understanding you. Is it OK with you if I do the thing I need to do right now, and then check back with you when there's time for both of us to finish this conversation?'. You'll likely find, if it's not a 'crisis' situation, and if you've been 100% sincere, that the 'mess' of it is gone by the time you get back to it, because the hurting or misunderstanding part has been resolved. And if it is a crisis or serious misunderstanding that elicits a negative response to the question, you'd be wise to stick with it until it's resolved, letting the other parties know of your delay. This is not being offered as a clever strategy for 'managing' your rushed exit from arguments or difficult people, but rather as an important distinction about thoughtful consideration and effectiveness in expressing your sincere love, responsibility, and understanding to others (regardless of external circumstances) and keeping them ever-present in relationship."

-- Yours truly

Zest for life through appreciation of feelings

"What a man comes to know only through feeling can be explained only through enthusiasm."

-- Joseph Joubert

I had a wonderful experience yesterday with a relatively new client who has taken a keen interest in getting to know me better. I so appreciate his desire to do so, and I thank you for your interest, B.M. In sharing a little bit of myself, we had a wonderful conversation about the range of feelings we allow ourselves as men. Since September 11th, with the tenacious support of my wife and several coaches out there, I have been deeply exploring the world of "feelings." It has taken me to some very dark places and some places of blinding light, and it has truly been a joy ride. Over this Thanksgiving holiday, I want to thank God for my ability to feel deeply, and for the courage to claim my right to feel and express my feelings with others, and for the patience of those I love who have stuck with me while I have learned to do so, and for the unbridled enthusiasm for life, and for people, that has been born of these things. On this special day, I feel very blessed to have all of you in my life.

Happy Thanskgiving, All!

Are you interested or committed?

"There's a big difference between being interested and being commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses -- only results."

-- Ken Blanchard

This message is an affirmation for all of us who say we're committed to a certain kind of relationship. We might want to examine the degree to which we hold ourselves responsible for producing our most deeply desired result, and whether or not we are secretly devising a "Plan B.," just in case what we say we're committed to doesn't "materialize" on its own. It's clearly our responsibility to create it, and it starts with our thoughts about it.

Surrender to the present; have faith in the future.

"Put aside the need to know or create the future design of things and simply leave your life open to what is requested of it today by the Divine forces."

-- Emmanuel

"Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith."

-- Henry Ward Beecher

I help people create their own personal "Life Plans," assisting them in mapping out a "plan" to "create" the life they want, but in so many ways that is a misnomer. I agree with the amusing little line that goes, "If you really want to make God laugh, show Him your plan." The process of "life planning" is really about helping people remember "who they are" and what they deserve in life, because many of us forget along the way, once we're confronted by life's unpredictable happenings and painful challenges. Our fearful response is often to spend so much time worrying about the future - making sure we take the necessary steps to secure it in some fashion - that we rob ourselves of the precious present moment, which is really all there is. Spend all of your time today focused on what "the Divine forces" (and your spouse, your family, your friends, your neighbors, and your co-workers) are requesting of you. Rather than stressing out on how to achieve more, earn more, get more, learn more, why not shift your energy to more effectively "choosing" your actions in each conscious moment, with God's guidance and support. And tomorrow will become today again, so repeat this as necessary. You deserve to experience your life exactly as God planned it for you.

Enjoy it, because this is it.

"Always we hope that someone else has the answer.
Some other place will be better; some other time it will all turn out.

This is it.

No one else has the answer.
No other place will be better, and it has already turned out."

-- Lao-tzu

Seeing the perfection of life's unfolding is always easier when we have reached a place of peace and stability, but it is always happening perfectly. Even in the midst of life's most frightening turmoil we can remember that this is so. The key to life is in the getting how good it is right now, not in the looking forward to some day when, or in the hoping for more, or the waiting until it gets better.

A mind-blowing story of ego-self-crucifixion

I have a relatively new client, R.H., a lawyer here in Houston, who has been through quite an ordeal recently, and he agreed to write about it and share it with all of you. Consider this a poignant tribute to him, the resilience of the human spirit, and the very active hand of God in our daily lives:

"I have, in the past, always focused my mind on that which was pure and clean according to God's word. Then, as my career progressed, I came to think too much of myself and began to ignore the feelings of my loved ones and my Lord. I relaxed my guard and allowed myself one instance of intentional, selfish sin. I wanted more, so I sinned more. In direct correlation to my self-centered behavior, my career began to fail. Eventually, I lost my career that I had thought was so important. I also lost my self-esteem.

I consumed 40,000 miligrams of aspirin, thinking that death would come slowly. My 13-year-old son immediately began complaining of being ill, so ill that he needed to go to the doctor right away. While in the examining room with my son I lost my hearing. I could feel my body 'shutting down.' The next thing I knew my son's doctor was taking my tie and shirt off. I never recall being in an ambulance before, let alone the ICU for 5 days. During this time all of my son's symptoms disappeared and his doctor found nothing wrong with him.

Some time later, for unrelated reasons, my wife filed for divorce. A mutual friend referred me to Jim. I made and broke several appointments. One night, alone, sick, mourning, and disgusted with myself, I decided to 'try it again.' I had a .45 caliber handgun, ready to pull the trigger, when the phone rang. It was Jim. That was enough to at least give me a reason to keep trying. He had no way of knowing.

Now, after submitting to God's will and allowing Jim to illuminate a path, I have a goal. God wants me to live, to continue teaching children's Sunday School, and become the man He wants me to be. As a result, my now ex-wife told me she still loves me. My son and two daughters told me they love me. My new friend told me he loves me. My career is now going better than ever. I still don't love myself, but at least I don't hate myself anymore.

My son's sudden mysterious illness and Jim's 'out of the blue' phone call were not coincidences. Two 'uncalled-for' interventions had taken place by two people who did not even know they were intervening...

God wants to use all of us for His will. He probably has and will continue to use all of us, even though we may never know it.

I now believe that if I had died I might have missed my chance to intervene somewhere, somehow, sometime..."

Ron called me yesterday saying that he'd like to assist me in the carrying out of my life's purpose - helping people like himself - as a way to discover his own. After all this, what is there to say to that? Other than, I really do love you, R. Do you remember the game we made up on that first call - to shift your focus from killing your body to killing off your previous self-image. Now that you've read the book, you'll remember James Allen saying:

"Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve themselves; they therefore remain bound. The man who does not shrink from self-crucifixion can never fail to accomplish the object upon which his heart is set. This is true of earthly as of heavenly things."

-- James Allen