Sharing a forgiveness tutor

"Forgiveness is not a matter of feeling superior, or of feeling sorry for someone because they didn’t know any better. It comes when we understand that as humans we all do the very best we can, and we can't ask anyone for more than that. Forgiveness is making the choice to find no more value in anger or resentment, and to see that we are all God’s light, all joined, and that the separations we feel are only part of the illusions of the ego. ...

Forgive, forgive, and forgive some more; Never stop forgiving. For the temptation to project and judge will always be there as long as you are living in the body. Forgiveness is the key to peace and happiness, and gives us everything that we could ever possibly want."

-- Gerald Jampolsky

"Without forgiveness life is governed by... an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation... against yourself."

-- Roberto Assagioli

"Forgiveness is the final form of love there is to learn."

-- Reinhold Niebuhr

This was the consistent theme of my day yesterday, reaching deep inside for forgiveness of others - for one's own sake. You might recall, that I have a particular forgiveness hero in M.H., whose story I shared with all of you a short while back. I am going to hook you up personally with her today, S.F., as my greatest gift to you as you seek the forgiveness in your heart for your ex, for your brothers, for your father, that will set you free to truly love your life, and that will then enable you to teach it to your mother as your greatest gift to her. I can already feel your commitment to this process and its purpose, and I know you will be successful, both in forgiving those others who hurt you and in loving those you choose to love. M.H. will simply "set the bar" for you and give you a dramatic example of what's possible. Have fun getting to know each other.

Losing it and finding it again

"I would like my life to be a statement of love and compassion - and where it isn't, that's where my work lies."

-- Ram Dass

I hit a few of my inner walls yesterday and did my best to chip away at them from the inside, but I have a long way to go. For starters, yesterday was my ex-wife's birthday, and I have not found it easy to be the above statement in that relationship, so I sent her a personal birthday note expressing my sincere wishes that she have a great day. She is a wonderful mother to my sons and a good person, and I wanted to get in action on this particular front. It felt good. Then I confronted a few people and situations yesterday where thepain and suffering was overwhelming, much bigger than me, and I felt powerless to help, and it translated into anger and frustration on my part, and for that I am sorry for "losing it." When I feel this powerless, I get arrogant, pushy, and self-righteous, and that's not who I am. I see clearly where my work lies. At the bottom of my own description of Life Coaching, which I proudly hand out to people interested in my work, it says that a good coach "is patient, persisting AND waiting without complaint." I did quite a bit of complaining yesterday, and I was in no mood to wait. Oh well, as my good friend, P.V., said to me, "tomorrow's another day to do your best." Well, I said my prayers this morning, read over my own vision of Who I Am, and now it's back to work.

Declare yourself into existence

"All paths lead to the same goal: to convey to others what and who we are."

-- Pablo Neruda

I spent a glorious day on the Kemah waterfront yesterday (feeling the sunburn as we speak) with a good friend, C.H., who has a BIG set of commitments (or covenants) in his life and is awakening to their full scope and ramifications. It was like watching a birth, with me as a Lamaze Coach, which is ironic since his wife just had a baby two weeks ago. It is so amazing to watch a man give birth to himself and boldly declare his arrival into the world, even though the full impact of it scares him a little. His courage and resolve move me, and it is an honor to serve him. Thank you, C., for inviting me to be your Life Coach. Working with you makes me a better man.

I thought of you today, M.H., when you called me while I was in Kemah, especially given that that's where we spent your Life Plan day together. I'm sorry to hear that you were home sick today, and I hope you're feeling better soon. Call or email me when you're back and want to get together next.

And, oh yeah, for those who are curious, someone came through on my laptop request, in exchange for a leadership workshop for the executive team of his company. Thanks, K.K., for your creativity and your support.
Ah yes, the power of asking for what you want from your community.

Calling all W.I.L.D. women - you are needed.

The most authentic thing about us (and that thing which gives us our greatest joy) is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love, and to be greater than our suffering."

- Ben Okri

I was reminded of this again yesterday in the most poignant fashion, watching a young woman's hopelessness, shrouded by the darkness of her painful memories and regrets about her past choices, transform into possibility, awakened by the light of the fragile new life inside her and the deep caring of an adopted "sister" sitting beside her. That unborn child and that sister have chosen her as the recipient of God's most amazing gift - the renewal of unconditional love in her life. You inspire me, M.U., and you are about to fully experience what it is to make a profound difference in another human being's life. I will pray for you and your unborn child, L.R., and for the healing of your entire family. Women of W.I.L.D., here's a chance to put your good preparation into action in the world - a chance to put your inspiring vision to work.

Trusting in miracles

"In trusting in miracles, we choose not to take part in life's battles, but rather ask to be lifted above them. God reminds us that the battle is not real anyway."
-- A Course in Miracles

Neo: What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?
Morpheus: No, Neo. I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready, you won't have to.
-- from the movie, "The Matrix"


"As the knight grappled with his flagging courage, he heard Sam (his inner voice) say, 'God gave man courage. Courage gives God to man.'
'I'm tired of figuring out what things mean. I'd rather just sit here in this brook and relax,' said the knight.
'Look,' Sam encouraged, 'if you face your dragons, there's a chance they will destroy you, but when you don't face your dragons, they will surely destroy you.'"
-- from The Knight in Rusty Armor, by Robert Fisher

All three of these messages, from three dramatically different sources, say the same thing - that the terrifying battles we face every day in our lives, and are convinced are going to destroy us, are not real. They are illusions caused by our own worst fears, and they can be eliminated by turning them over to God and trusting in the miracles we know occur when we do. To consciously remain in conflict only makes sense if we are seeking to learn something from it, but we can never really win these battles "our way." To attempt to avoid or circumvent them only insures we will create them another way, with other players. In my work, I get to see every possible choice every day - the choice to stay conflicted and miserable, to try to win, to run away and hide, and to walk right into the fire of conflict determined to give it up and experience a miracle. The latter is the only one that has joy as a result, but it takes great courage. "God gave man courage. Courage gives God to man."

The money conversation

Ah, it's time for "the money conversation" again, one of the most persistently troubling conversations out there for most of us. I have been getting asked quite a bit lately to explain how I handle "the money conversation" in my work, since I don't set and charge fees for my time. In other words, people are really curious to know how I "make a living", "get paid", etc.. This is such an important topic, and I don't have answers for anyone but me, but many seem interested, so here goes:

I pray a lot on this subject, asking God what He wants from me and how I can best serve Him and the world. He has repeated the answer several times now (for I am a slow learner), emphatically and precisely: "Relax my child. Stop chasing the work. I will bring it to you. Speak the truth, and let it go." That couldn't be simpler, could it? My "job" in all of this is to be like the apple tree of yesterday's message and to give of my fruit freely and without concern for myself, trusting completely that the process of doing so naturally brings me great abundance (which includes, but is not synonymous with money), health, and vitality in ways that are not for me to define or control. My work is to love being the tree and to value my apples enough to make them freely available.

To be able to stay in this frame of mind or return to it when I get lost, I must also pray for God's support in handling my fears about money, which are many. I am scared that I won't be able to meet all of my financial responsibilities, especially the ones that are attached to legal documents, lawyers, and years of guilt. I am also scared about the current state of the economy, and I make up that businesses either can't afford me right now or worse, they couldn't care less about what I do. I am scared that I am fooling myself about my life's work, and that I am going to sacrifice my health and well-being in my frantic pursuit of financial freedom - only this time under the clever guise of service. All of these fears are simply habit, but they are bigger than me nonetheless, and I must turn them over to a higher power to get back to "being the tree." My prayers go something like this:

"In learning to love that which I believed threatened to bury me, I found my roots. Please, O God, bless both the fertilizer and the fruit of my life's longing for itself, and awaken me to the great abundance that is had simply by consciously receiving what already has been given."

Now, all of this work inside myself doesn't mean that my "clients" don't have any responsibility on their side of the relationship. We all share a responsibility to participate fully in life's natural flow of energy. I encourage my clients to stay attuned to when they experience value from my coaching and, when that feeling shows up, to give of themselves accordingly, to the full extent that is consistent with their experience and their ability in the moment. Anything they give in that spirit, when it's given purely from the heart, is enough. I do not measure myself or the value of my work at the "transaction" level, but by the "macro-level" means showing up for me to continue to do what I do with joy in my heart. That has worked for almost 5 years now, and I see no end in sight.

I also assist clients in recognizing that if they ignore their own "value-received" signals and do not participate in the natural flow of things, it will show up as a "weirdness" in our relationship. They will find themselves pulling away from me out of guilt or lack or some feeling of "an inability to give me what they think I deserve," which serves no one and actually belittles both of us. The agreement I ask for them to make with me is that if and when this weirdness shows up they will bring it up, and we will discuss it openly and get to the heart of it. Their responsibility is to take care of themselves, communicate openly, and to do what is in their hearts.

So, in summary, my commitment is to: 1) fully appreciate the abundance God has provided in my life today, while fully recognizing that I deserve it (as do all of us), 2) continue to do what He asks me to do and give freely of myself, 3) ask for what I need from God and my community to enable me to continue to do my life's work and take care of my family, and 4) have "the money conversation" as described above with everyone who requests my services. The commitment I ask of my clients is to: 1) be consciously aware when they feel appreciation for value received, 2) act on that awareness and feeling by giving from their hearts in whatever way feels true to them, 3) notice if and when some struggle shows up for them around the subject of "paying me," and 4) bring it up and stay in the conversation with me about it so that we can continue to work together in a way that honors both of us.

Along those lines, I have a request of my business community, and I figured I'd test the system and throw it out there, knowing that nothing will happen if I don't ask. My computer is now 4 years old and is getting very slow and cumbersome to use. If any of you business clients out there have any new laptop computers in inventory that aren't being used by anyone, I would love for you to give one of them to me. I am burning this one up, and I can't afford to get a new one right now. And if you can't justify giving it to me outright, I'd be happy to exchange a day of my coaching or facilitation services for it. This would be such a cool thing to happen, and many thanks for considering it.

Remembering Positano

I wrote this short piece for our newsletter 4 years ago today, and it remains timeless, just like Positano. Ah, I can smell the bougainvillaea just thinking about it, and I never forget you, K.J., for making this trip possible for Anne and me by teaching me what it was to serve you powerfully. I am forever grateful for that lesson in service.

"I’m writing this while sitting on a lounge chair at the edge of a giant slab of concrete that juts out into the Mediterranean from the bottom of an incredible rock formation, on top of which rests the most beautiful hotel I’ve ever seen, Hotel Il San Pietro. I’m looking westward at the resort town of Positano, a colorful mix of houses, shops, and small hotels, haphazardly strewn across and up these unbelievably stark cliffs along the Amalfi coastline of Southern Italy. You can only get here by car, if you have the stomach for it, along the Amalfi Coast Drive which winds in and out of these cliffs at dizzying angles that leave all but the local drivers queezy. Seeing this place, and meeting these people, all within a setting that’s gone largely unchanged for over 1,000 years, tends to leave you viewing your life from a slightly altered perspective.

Why have I not felt ecstatically happy here so far? Why this strange melancholy feeling amidst such exquisite beauty? I have pondered this wistfully over these last few days.

I am finally able to receive the subtle but persistent message from the mist off the jagged rocks.

I have made most of my life to date about achieving things. I’ve even subconsciously made us coming here about achieving the wherewithall to get us here. Now I’m here, and the beauty mocks me. It wordlessly ridicules the lifestyle that races to achieve, and then races to enjoy the achievements’ rewards, all the while missing the point – that life is for living; each day, each hour, each breath. Life is real here. People don’t work at it in a frenzy to achieve things; they live it moment to moment. They don’t frantically run around seeking beauty; they simply find beauty in everything; flowers, sunshine, the sea, lunchtime chats with friends, food, children. I am breathing that in; filling my lungs to the bursting point.

I am making my life’s work about helping people feel gratefully alive every day. I am learning that I can only teach what I am able to embody. I have found a wonderful new emotional base camp from which to start that journey.

While sitting here with Anne, staring up the jagged coastline at sunset as Positano becomes engulfed in clouds spilling over the mountains, she reads to me a passage from Dan Millman’s Way of the Peaceful Warrior. In one of the many defining moments of the book, Socrates (Dan’s mentor) says to Dan:

'You’ve always tried to become superior in an ordinary realm.
Now you’re going to become ordinary in a superior realm.'

When I’m awake and aware, the world is a fantastic place in which to be alive; to be ordinary in full appreciation of this special gift called Life. This week has been about regaining my smile, but having it come from a totally different place inside – the place that gets the joke. Thank you, Positano."