Caring leaders

"Leaders who care see others in their organization as real people - not as machines, job descriptions, expense categories, or slots in an org chart. Committed to everyone in the organization - in good times and in bad - such leaders carry out their obligations as actions they want to take - not as burdens. They respond to the needs of others and enable and trust others to grow in their own time and own way ... Leaders who care expect leadership at all levels. They see employee development as an opportunity for self-determination. They stop fixing others. They allow people to design their work in ways that stimulate them. They hold people accountable for developing their own capabilities for feeling stimulated by their work. They confront mediocrity. And they disconnect pay from stock prices as there is no link between compensation methods and sustainability. In other words, they get real, take on real issues, and treat others as real, mature, and responsible human beings. Do such leaders really exist? Yes, they do."

-- Tom Heuerman

Yes, they most certainly do, and I know some of them, and I know how difficult a challenge it is to stay true to their caring nature. Inspired leadership is the hardest work there is, because to help another person discover the awesome capacities, power, and effectiveness within themselves, the leader has had to have made the treacherous journey through their own darkness, fear, and pain to discover their own inner source of inspiration. Ordinary leaders use other people to hold themselves precariously afloat, managing by attempting to control and manipulate people, instilling fear, leaving people feeling small and helpless so that they can feel in control. They actually use their rank inappropriately to play out the melodrama of their lives' unresolvedness, wreaking havoc on themselves, their employees, customers, and shareholders, while focusing all of their energy on arrogantly projecting the appearance of power. Truly powerful leaders leave people feeling increasingly better about themselves and their work through coaching, encouragement, genuine caring and connection, powerful listening, and the ability to maintain focus on a compelling vision in the face of hardship. They don't waste time dishing out blame, but instead focus on taking responsibility and striving to make a difference. They don't focus on critiquing others and expressing their disappointment, but instead focus on continually asking the important questions that lead people to better solutions. This kind of leadership can and does exist anywhere in the organization. Using an outdated and oversimplified phrase to make a point, inspired leaders "lead up and serve down." They overcome their habitual fears of rank to respectfully call forth great leadership from their superiors as a powerful contribution to them, to help them be their best when it's needed most, and they constantly strive to serve the best interests of their subordinates, inviting them to call them forth the same way.

A hypothetical question from God

"Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light?"

--Maurice Freehill

This brings up an interesting distinction for me - between the fear of not being able to see (afraid of the dark) vs. the fear of being fully seen (afraid of the light). Come on, guys, let's admit it. We cringe at the thought of being "fully" seen - our fears and insecurities, our yearning to love and be loved, our burning desire to experiment and play, to sing and to dance, to really live. It's easy for us to judge those who are afraid to risk their physical security in some bold adventure, because we've learned how to go there with a boisterous sense of pure male bravado - we already know how to "go where no man has gone before." But what about our fear of letting our "all-knowing" and "no-feeling" guard down and being fully seen in our emotional nakedness, our relationship incompetence, our child-like dreaming. Men that can go there - out in the light, visible to all - are my heroes, and yes, that most certainly includes you, B.M.S.

A lesson from my 2-year-old

On the heels of a wonderful lesson from my wife Sunday night, I received another great lesson from my little boy yesterday morning. As we were heading out the door to do our regular morning thing, he grabbed his little push- cart and ran out the door with it. So I surrendered to the moment and let him walk it to the coffee shop. When he takes the cart, I have to be prepared for many detours - Jake is a natural-born explorer. On our way home, it occurred to him that he'd like to get home and watch Toy Story 2, one of his favorites. So he stopped the cart and stood still on the sidewalk while giving full voice to his request. "Two!" meant that he wanted to watch Toy Story 2. "Buzz!" was that he wanted to see Buzz Lightyear, while holding onto his own Buzz action figure. "Vwooky!" was Woody. "Vex!" was Rex. Jake would not proceed forward - he stood still as a statue - until I heard him, repeated what he said back to him, and smiled with affirmative understanding all the way through to the completion of his full request. Then and only then would he walk forward, and with a big, self-satisfied grin. We went through that exercise about 10 times (the number of times it took me to fully surrender) on our short block-and-a-half walk home. What a great lesson in how to take the time to be clear about your requests of others, confirm their understanding, and revel in the relatedness that clarity produces. Doesn't it just make so much sense in our relationships with other people that we commit not to move forward until both of us emphatically (and happily) agree specifically on what's been requested and committed to? I have a feeling that we wouldn't spend so much time afterwards blaming each other for why things didn't happen according to our expectations. Ah, the simple and straightforward wisdom of a 2-year-old, taking whatever time it takes to get clear. We knew this when we were 2, forgot it somewhere along the way, and spent many years suffering through disappointment and frustration that comes with trying it our own way, until we remembered it again. Thanks for the reminder, Jake.

Love in all of its many flavors

Sunday night I was up until 1:30am with Anne, having one of those long and difficult (for me) conversations about our struggles in having the partnership we are committed to and the troubles that each of us faces inside and outside our own skin. Very human and normal, right, but it's tough for me to talk about such things with Anne. Yea, right, I spend my days encouraging others to talk about their struggles with their partners, while I cringe to do so in my own home. Some coach, eh? :-) Thankfully, Anne is teaching me the importance (for both of us) of having these conversations when they're needed. I could see that she was freed up yesterday, and I'm feeling much better this morning. I tend to take myself and these conversations so damn seriously, and then my beautiful and very patient wife will lighten me up with a whimsical little signal like this that says that all is well:

"This quote justifies all the trouble I give you... ;-)

'Trouble is a part of life, and if you don't share it, you don't give
the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.'

-- Dinah Shore"

Thank you, Anne, for bringing all of you into our partnership and demanding all of me in return. I know I fight you on it most times, but this message is to let you know that I really appreciate it, and what we share is so worth it.

Take your time - do less and be more.

"For the resolute, determined, and purposeful, there is always ample time and opportunity."

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

There is so much stressful racing around in today's world, especially when one is blind to purpose in life. With the pressing need to find a place inside our own heads to survive the chaotic noise of the world's demands, problems mount so quickly, get communicated so quickly, create an ever-rampaging need to "fix things." Finding purpose, taking the time to cultivate one's faith and resolve, sharing purpose in community, relaxing into the natural flow of it, is a powerful antidote for this illness. Instead of blindly and reactively fumbling around creating more problems for ourselves, let's take the time to learn how to do life "on purpose." There's plenty of time packed in each present moment to love life. Opportunities to love and make a difference are endless, expanding our influence in the world "to infinity and beyond." :-) Obviously, Jake has such an influence on me.

Farewell, my Little Brother.

I had my last Saturday afternoon for "I don't know how long" with my Little Brother Brandon yesterday. We watched Vin Diesel in a "testosterone rush" of a movie appropriately named "XXX." It was extreme, all right. Brandon is moving away this morning with his grandparents and his sister, Angela, moving 5 hours away to Brownwood, TX. It is a great move and a wonderful adventure for their whole family. I find myself feeling a little sad. We have spent 3 1/2 years together, and it's been a wild ride. I have thoroughly enjoyed watching Brandon grow into a fine young man. When I was driving over to his house to pick him up yesterday, I went by that same church sign where I have found so many good quotes that were oh so timely for me, and this was no exception. I learned something very important from the sign on how to keep Brandon and his family in my heart forever:

"The only things you ever get to keep are the things you give away."

I just gave Brandon away to Brownwood, and I get to keep our friendship always. Farewell, my Little Brother.

Love,

Morpheus