Cultivating intimacy through integrity

"A way to discover intimacy with ourselves, our loved ones, and all of life is to live with integrity, basing our lives on a vision of compassionate non-harming. When we dedicate ourselves to actions that do not hurt ourselves or others, our lives become all of a piece, a seamless garment with nothing separate or disconnected in the spiritual reality we discover. In order to live with integrity, we must stop fragmenting and compartmentalizing our lives. Telling lies at work and then expecting truths in our homes is nonsensical. Using our sexual energy in a way that harms ourselves or others, and then expecting to know transcendent love in another arena, is mindless. Every aspect of our lives is connected to every other aspect of our lives. This truth is the basis for an awakened life. When we live with integrity, we further enhance intimacy with ourselves and others by being able to rejoice, taking active delight in our actions."


-- Sharon Salzberg

This topic was the consistent theme of yesterday's coaching discussions. The integrity of one's life is just like a jigsaw puzzle. It only takes one piece to be damaged or missing for the whole vision to be distorted and every other piece to be diminished as a result. For example, when one's health is weakened, every other element of life is weakened. When one's family relationships are strained, all relationships suffer. When one's principles are compromised at work, all of life is compromised. The obvious outer sign of this inner turmoil is when a person, out of guilt and self-contempt, spends an inordinate amount of their energy blaming and judging others.

Don't waste time charting your growth.

"Personal growth is not like the development of a new skill. It does not take place in observable increments that can be measured and charted. Indeed, when we're growing in sensitivity, generosity, and compassion, we're not aware of it, because we're not focusing on ourselves. The recovery of emotional freedom simply does not have the quality, for most of us, of a controllable or measurable sequence of transformations. It's more a lifelong career of discovering further blindness and weaknesses in ourselves, shedding them in turn, such that we might do the right thing more consistently for the benefit of others."

"Unless we change inside our own hearts toward the people we struggle with here and now, we are condemned to struggle with whomever we may find ourselves associating with. It doesn't matter what external circumstance we may change. We will be the same; we will interpret our world the same way, and others will respond to us the same way. The details of our days may distinguish themselves from one another, but their substance will not change until we do - 'wherever you go, there you are'."

-- C. Terry Warner

Thank you, C.H., for gifting me with Bonds That Make Us Free. I am thoroughly enjoying it. What I've gotten out of these passages is very powerful - that personal growth is not a measuring stick that we use to monitor our progress or to compare ourselves with others. What misuse of a sacred path that would be. Instead, it is a journey through self to better prepare ourselves for self-less love and service to others. The minute we find ourselves judging others' problems or progress, we have abandoned the path and are simply creating more of what we've always known.

Start leadership inside ourselves.

"Spirit at Work is not a bold enough vision. To talk of Spirit at Work is to fragment (a method of the mechanistic model) the human spirit that is born to be free, alive, whole, and healthy in all aspects of life-not just at work. We need greater foresight and need to conceptualize grander aspirations for ourselves, for the human spirit is sadly in need of revitalization everywhere: in our schools, churches, families, and on the streets of our communities.

I believe those leaders who want to transform organizations should talk of The Renewal of Spirit everywhere and learn, by doing our own inner work and taking our own courageous life actions, first to live, love, work, and lead in spirit-purposeful, authentic, courageous, and interconnected ways with all of life-in all that we do. We need to be the models for others, not the ‘doers’ or experts for others."

-- Tom Heuerman

I agree wholeheartedly with Tom on this. How many leaders have you observed demanding levels of personal accountability, caring for customers, commitment to shared goals, integrity, passion for people, resolve in the face of hardship, sacrifice for the greater good, etc. who are not living those things in their own lives? What they are "not" doing - who they are "not" being - speaks much louder than noisy bluster about leadership, performance, and teamwork. Their denial about their own behavior sets up the deafening silence they confront in the office - silence that they think represents agreement and conformity, when it often represents disdain and/or fear. I get truly excited when I see leaders who walk the path they speak about with humility - and not just in their businesses, but in their families, friendships, communities, global markets, etc. Those leaders who put themselves out there, naked and raw, who "show the way" by expressing both their bold commitments and their humanity - those leaders truly inspire enthusiastic and committed "followership."

Relationship triple-decker

"For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation."

-- Rainer Maria Rilke

"Relationships are the central theme of a peaceful, powerful life."

"Our greatest weariness comes not from our hard work but from important work not done."

-- Eric Hoffer

When I am feeling out of sorts and questioning what's happening, I need only look inside my most important relationships to find the answers - to God and my own inner voice, to my partnership with Anne, to my relationships with my three sons, to my family connections with my parents and siblings, to my closest friendships, to my community, which includes all of you. When these relationships are loving, whole, and complete, in other words where this is nothing missing and no conversations that are wanting to happen that aren't happening, life is peaceful and powerful. When they're not, life feels pointless, tedious, and very tiring. Things just don't seem to work, and I take it out on whomever I'm with at the time. When those negative feelings show up, it is an immediate call to action to re-focus my energy on the most important work there is to do, to express my love - without delay or excuse - such that the people who nourish my soul really feel it. Focusing on other things because of their urgency is futile in the end because, even as a purely practical matter, there is nothing more urgent and important than the health and well-being of these relationships to having my life work.

Happy Birthday, Anne!

Last year I had one amazing friend ask several other amazing friends, all in secret, to write a thank you note to my wife to acknowledge who she is, both as my partner and in the world. What a thoughtful, wonderful idea - and almost as wonderful a gift to Anne as she is to me. I wanted to share one of these very special notes as a birthday tribute to my beautiful wife:
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Dear Anne,

Thank you for being exactly who you are. You are the perfect partner for Jim. You help him be true to himself by being a loving and ferocious mirror for him. You have one of the best bullshit meters I've ever seen, and you help him see when he is on and off track. This is one of the many things that he constantly gives thanks for about you. He also loves your beauty and your humor and what a smart cookie you are.

Your love for Jim and your partnering with him as a parent, lover, friend, and mentor is phenomenal. Your level of commitment to your son and to Jim truly makes a difference to Jim and to the world.

Love, K.L.
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All I can say to that is, "Amen." Happy Birthday, Anne! I'm happy and proud to have you as my life partner.

All my love,

Jim

P.S. Thanks again, P.V. (this was one of the sweetest human gestures I've ever experienced), K.L., and all of you out there who wrote such moving messages of acknowledgement and thanks to my wife. They've been a gift to her (& me) that just keeps giving.

Celebrating and honoring my son, Jim

"The only purpose of education is to teach a student how to live his life by developing his mind and equipping him to deal with reality. The training he needs is theoretical, i.e., conceptual. He has to be taught to think, to understand, to integrate, to prove. He has to be taught the essentials of the knowledge discovered in the past and he has to be equipped to acquire further knowledge by his own effort. "

-- Ayn Rand

This quote is a tribute to my oldest son, Jim. He is graduating from Rutgers University this year, with a major in Bio-Engineering. He plans to secure a fellowship and continue his education. He told me yesterday that he just received his GRE scores, and that in the Quantitative and Analytical sections he got twin perfect 800 scores. This is not uncommon for him - we've come to expect it, as obnoxious as that might sound. In fact, Jim will be embarrassed when he reads this, because he is a low-key and unassuming young man who does not brag about himself. But I do like to brag about him, so I will, asking for his continued tolerance of me. Jim is currently reading Ayn Rand - both Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead. This quote will ring consistent with his current reading, as it rings consistent with his young life and his education. He is doing a great job cultivating and enriching his very keen mind - how "to think, to understand, to integrate, to prove" - to go along with his warm heart and gentle soul. I am overflowing with admiration, love, and respect for the amazing man you are, Jim.