Coaching's role in assisting others' becoming

"An effective coach is someone who makes you do what you don't want to do so you can become what you want to become."

-- Tom Landry

This was sent to me yesterday by a dear friend to remind me to keep being who I am for him, and I love him for that. The only change I would make to Tom's powerful words is to replace "makes" with "invites," because I don't think you can really make anyone do anything. They must want to do it at some very deep level, while at the same time possibly being scared to death of it. I think the key for a coach is to accept, love, and support people enough to help them find access to their own desires through their fears, so that they can then motivate themselves to act on their own behalf.

Being right vs. being effective at loving

A wise man who I respect a great deal (yes, that's you, M.) said this to me yesterday, "loving is a fulfillment of our purpose, and the more you love, the better you feel." I couldn't agree more with this. I find it interesting how often we find ourselves confronted by a distinct choice in our relationships with other people - the choice to put our energy into "being right" vs. "being effective." Effective at what, you might ask? Well, if "loving is the fulfillment of our purpose" and if loving more has one feel better, then it makes sense that it means being "effective at loving." Being right is purely an ego distinction based on a competition of ideas; being effective at loving is a surrender to a deeper calling, the giving up of useless competition to find connection and relatedness in that deep sense of caring for another person. Being right about anything is grossly overrated in light of this distinction. What an ironic and wonderful bonus it is to note how right another person will often consider you to be when they see you giving up the need to be right with them. Go figure. To all the people who I love, especially my dear wife, Anne, I ask for your forgiveness for all the times I've put more energy into being right than being effective in loving you.

The essence of love

"To the extent you know love, you become love. Love is more than an emotion. It is a force of nature and therefore contains truth. When you say the word 'love,' you may catch a glimpse of the feeling, but the essence of it cannot be accurately and completely spoken. The purest love lies where it is least expected - in unattachment."

-- Deepak Chopra

I had a long conversation with a client/friend today about the distinction between "love" and "need." It was a hard conversation, because we could both see that, in the midst of his deep emotional longing for love, he "needed" it to be proven by his wife beyond the slightest doubt (an impossibility if you doubt it in the first place) in order to experience it as true, which only resulted in it running away from him in defiance. In response to it eluding him, and out of guilt for having abandoned "knowing" it, he was busy unconsciously working to destroy it, in a sad form of retaliation, so that he could continue "needing" it, since this is what we learn to do - to create more of what we know from the past so that we continue worrying about the future. Allowing love to wash over you, experiencing it as "what is" in your partnership, is what creates and expands the ongoing experience of it. To do so without attachment expands it to infinity - you simply become love. Here's to you, K., as you go off on vacation to ponder this phenomenon and then to invite love back into your life, because you surely deserve it, and so does your wife. And please remember you are not alone. You are experiencing this for all of us who see ourselves in you. Thank you for your courageous and generous spirit. May we all learn to experience what it is to love and be loved.

Listening for the genuine in yourself and others

"Learn to be quiet enough to hear the sound of the genuine within yourself so that you can hear it in others as well."

-- Marian Wright Edelman

"Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you. Before you tell your life what truths and values you have decided to live up to, let your life tell you what truths to embody, what values you represent."

-- Parker Palmer

Many of you have asked me what I think it takes to really distinguish the voice of your genuine self vs. the chaotic noise and other demanding voices in your head. In my experience, the first step is to quiet your mind long enough to let your spirit breathe through you - to let it permeate every cell of your being and emanate forth to re-connect you to all that is. In this rhythmic "in and out" flow of energy your truth will speak itself through you without words, and others will speak theirs back to you. It is in the realm of deep feelings that this occurs, not language. It is usually accompanied by tears, because it is so uncommon to speak or listen to others that deeply. The bad news about this is that you can't hide or protect yourself from others. The good news is that you won't have to. You will find that listening for what you and others are feeling, regardless of what is being said, allows the genuine essence of each soul to be communicated, heard, and understood. From there all things are possible.

One blink away

"We already have everything we need to be happy and fulfilled. There is no need for self-improvement. All these trips that we lay on ourselves -- the heavy-duty fearing that we're bad and hoping that we can learn to be good, the false identities that we so dearly cling to -- the rage, the jealousy, and the addictions of all kinds -- never touch our basic human wealth. They are like clouds that temporarily block out the sun. But all the time our warmth and brilliance are right here. This is who we really are. We are one blink of an eye away from being fully awake."

-- Pema Chodon

As a life coach, my most important work is to remind people of their own magnificence, to bring them back to an appreciation of themselves and their Creator. Almost every complaint or problem or shortcoming that people bring to our conversation is simply a manifestation of having forgotten this simple fact. Once back in touch with it, a person starts becoming whole again, their inherent beauty shining forth, their world becoming a better place.

Forgive to be free.

"Forgiveness heals our souls by washing us clean of the past and delivering us to an unspoiled present. Eternity shows up in the present that is untainted by past pain and future anxiety. Anything short of deep spiritual healing can temporarily cover up or suppress the past but cannot erase it or bypass its inevitable effect."

I strongly believe that one's life contains anxiety and stress to the degree that it contains resentment of others, and is peaceful to the degree that others have been forgiven. If you feel pain or anxiety, ask yourself who you still have not forgiven, and then make the effort to forgive the person(s), authentically and completely, and you will notice an immediate difference in your state of mind. The primary purpose of this practice is to free yourself from your burden. Remember, "holding onto resentment of others is like taking poison and waiting for them to die."