How we monitor and regulate ourselves

"Understand this law and you will then know, beyond room for the slightest doubt, that you are constantly punishing yourself for every wrong you commit (when you are out of integrity with yourself) and rewarding yourself for every act of constructive conduct in which you indulge (when you are in integrity)."
-- Napoleon Hill

I have experienced this directly as a profound truth in my life, and I have watched myself carry it out over and over again through the years. Sometimes, especially when I'm actually in the midst of punishing myself, I can't see the initiating wrong act for what it is at first glance, but it is usually clearer after a little soul-searching. It tends to be a little subtler these days, after having cleaned up a significant part of my external act. Now it tends to stem from some form of either blind arrogance or righteous indignation. I find it amazing how powerfully I attract to myself that which I'm focused on. If I'm acting out of my peaceful, loving heart, I attract free-flowing rewards of appreciation and love from others. If I'm trapped inside my head and defending my ego, I attract what seems to be endless headaches and stress in my interactions with others. We cannot know what's going on inside other people, and we needn't waste our energy guessing or probing, but we can Know that it's similar to our own machinery, no matter what the external appearances, and we can have great compassion and joy, respectively.

Getting what we need

"I asked for Strength, and God gave me difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for Wisdom, and God gave me tough problems to solve to help me learn.
I asked for Prosperity, and God gave me the intelligence, strength, and will to do His work.
I asked for Courage, and God gave me dangers to overcome.
I asked for Compassion, and God gave me troubled souls to love and support.
I asked for Favor, and God gave me endless opportunities.
In the process I got nothing I asked for, but everything I needed to have it all."

Celebrate, and then expand.

"We have to move from our devotion to independence, through an understanding of interdependence, to a commitment to human solidarity. That challenge must find its realization in the kind of community we build among us. Love implies concern for all - especially those without hope - and a continued search for the social and economic structures that permit everyone to share in a global community that is a part of a redeemed creation."

I invite those of us in the U.S. to celebrate the Fourth of July full-out this year, and all that it stands for, and all that we have to be thankful for in this great nation, and then to move beyond that celebration to a more expansive view of humankind - to a more glorious celebration that we know lies ahead for everyone in the entire world.

A tribute to family (in honor of you, J.P.)

"Family is a place where you are free to be yourself, while you are in the continuous process of creating and discovering who that is, knowing all along that you are adored."

-- Yours Truly

A very dear friend asked me last night, over a baseball game in Philly, if I might consider writing an article for one of his company's magazines sometime soon. I asked him what he thought I should write about, and he thought for a minute and then said, "How about, 'What is family?'" What a great question to think and write about. I have been thinking about it ever since. It led me to the conclusion above - stated as my vision of what family is to me. Anne, Jake, and I just spent the last 5 days in the Philly area with my family - staying with my parents, visiting my siblings and their families, as well as a favorite aunt & uncle, joined by my older sons for a couple of nights. The grand finale was last night when Anne, Jake, Jim, Mark, and I met up with my good friend and his oldest 4 kids (of 6) for cheesteaks at Jim's Steaks on South Street, before then being joined by my brother-in-law and nephew (both die-hard Phillie fans) for a game at the Vet. It was a great night, even though it was about 100 degrees, and the Phillies were awful. Midway through the game J. and I had a very touching exchange that I want him to know meant the world to me. He leaned over and showed me the wedding ring he had just received from his wife as a birthday present (he didn't used to wear one), and he thanked me for giving him back to his family. He said that that was why the kids were there at the game, because they knew and appreciated my role in their Dad coming home. I will never forget my feelings at that moment, and it was made sweeter by him being there, like a part of my family, in the midst of me giving myself back to them one more time. Family life is so important, and it's not easy after a divorce (even after 8 years), especially when kids are involved. It's hard to keep that feeling of family working for everyone. If and when you re-marry and start a new family it gets even more complicated. Put 1,500 miles in the middle of it all, and it can be downright brutal. But we are somehow making it work, thanks to the love and patience of my wife, my sons, my parents, and all of my Philly clan. Having a friend like J., who shares this commitment to family and friendship, is a big part of what helps it work for me. Thanks again, buddy. You are like a brother to me, and I believe that I am a better man for having met and stayed in touch with you.

Know what's under your hood.

"You can usually out-distance that which is running after you, but not that which is running inside you."

~Rwandan Proverb

This serves as further reminder that the toughest, most unavoidable challenges are not "out there," but "under our own hoods." When we understand what's running inside us, we find ourselves running away from fewer things.

Avoid double signals - say what you mean; mean what you say.

Effective communication takes diligence and perseverance. I believe that all of us want to communicate more clearly and effectively, and we dislike the experience of being misunderstood. But sometimes there is just more going on inside us than we realize, and also more being communicated to others than we realize. When our communication with others breaks down, and we're getting results that are not what we want, it is important to dig deeper within ourselves for greater understanding. What is the full content and nature of what we are communicating? Messages that we are consciously intending to send are called "primary signals." When that is the full measure of our communication, we are usually understood. An unintended mixture of primary signals and something other than that, which is deeper and unconscious, is called "double signals." Double signals reveal things you might not want to identify with if you realized you were thinking and communicating them. Double signals convey a person’s deepest feelings, spiritual experiences, and unconscious sense of power and rank, but the key here is "unconsciousness," where the sender’s lack of awareness and clarity can cause confusion and then trigger responses based on that confusion and ensuing fear on the part of the receiver. Unraveling the mystery of "double signals," understanding all of what you are communicating by your entire being, is one of the keys to unlocking the depths and intricacies of relationships. By being willing to look into our own blind spots and unsconsciousness, by owning all of what we are feeling and thinking and "signaling," we can actually choose a place from which we can more effectively communicate, while completely respecting the other person.